Dear readers,
I have not been writing too much lately. A lot of things are happening at this moment in time (yeah I know...what else is new ...right). Yes I like adventure and that new things happen around me, but at the moment I wish my life would calm down and be stable if nothing else then at least on the work front. Unfortunately this is not the case anymore, so again I am searching for a job and arranging things and doing my best to sort out my currently messy life (did I say how much I dislike mess?!). Starting to wonder if there is even anything close to stable when it comes to my life. Things are changing all the time, the only good thing is that guess I am used to it, though I wish I was not. Used to turbulence and unpredictable outcomes and that my gut feeling is never wrong no matter what people around me say ( it just is always right). Primal instinct I assume is the one thing that has never let me down.
People ask me why I am so calm about the whole ordeal and why I am not acting or looking stressed and I guess I hide it well but of course I am stressed. I guess I just do not see the point in panicking about these things anymore since I know too well it will do nothing for me. This is typical of my life really. Not being able to count on anyone or trust any situation is the tiring part, yet the stressful situation is to know I am loosing faith in the core wish I have in life. To just one day manage on my own without anyone to lean on or count on. Still there is a stubborn Viking voice within telling me I damb well will make it on my own! I will get were I want by persisting, being honest, true to myself and maybe now is the time to write that book I have been working on. The other part of me feel small and insignificant in this world that at times just seem too big and way way waaaay to populated for me to make any difference. I question my purpose in life as it seems to have drifted into nothingness, but that might be just current disappointment in the way things have played out the last few months/years. SO despite that depressing line right there I am thinking there is hope, and there are possibilities and that change might be good for me and that maybe just maybe I have learned something about myself from this process.
What I have learned? To not let other peoples insecurity, anger or perception affect who I am striving to become and who I am. Now I got a more explicit impression of what my own opinions are and who I want to be and I definitely know how I DON´T want to be.
I am glad I got the chance to meet awesome people in my current job. Some of them have made me smile on days I had no energy left to smile. Some of them have inspired me to show courage, to be more determined and assertive in situations were I normally would throw in the towel. Some of them have made me feel like I deserve to be happy in life when it comes to all aspects of it. I have found friends in people I thought I would never become friends with and I have learned so much stuff about darn software and connectivity that I would never had looked into if it was not for this job (weehuuu for that last fact;)
What I need now is to focus my energy back to the ¨drawing board¨. Figure out where and what next.....find strength in the chaos and prove to myself I was not born a Viking for nothing ;)
x Viking ;)
