Let me be....boring

Hola peeps,

Not been too active lately, lots of work and goodbyes to arrange but now I have some time to plot down some thoughts from smalltown Norway.

It is boring here you would think, but somehow drama seem to follow me around like a kid with a magnifying glass and where I am the ant burning in the sun. ;)  I will not go too much in detail but it has been one heck of a month and though I am glad I will not have to count sheep to keep amused I would like to stress I took this year to just get a bit more boring for a while. I took this year to rest and write and work mainly and to reflect on my own life-choices and look towards the future and the plans I would like to realise not to far away from now.

Adventure and the joy of travelling will always be a big part of me, yet I find myself becoming less and less tolerant to people trying to make a silly mess of things just for thrills. Not telling them off is..well a challenge! Laughing with friends and meeting new individuals must be far greater and joyous than causing havoc and emotional turmoil just because don´t you think so?

Summer or what we saw of it anyway...is coming to an end. This means less tourism and that summer colleagues leave. I will miss the craziness it brought in many ways, maybe now life will go more back to ¨normal¨ here in Odda. Today I had visits all the way from the Netherlands and it was nice to just eat a good meal after our hike/walk and drink a bottle of wine whilst chatting about old and new. There is nothing like a good friend and a bottle of nice dry white to catch up!

Tomorrow it is back to work and I will be quite busy until I go to Amsterdam, Rotterdam and Utrecht in the end of September. Before that I will meet lovely Jeanette in Stavanger and Irene in Haugesund (YAY! Travel joys!) and and and I cannot wait to go out in Rotterdam with Yvette. We planned it today and if she gets time off work it will be a nice few days around the Randstad with close friends. I am not looking forward to letting Freya stay behind though for 10 days or so. She is so attached to me now that if I am gone for a few days she gets so stressed and that is not a nice feeling. I will ask my landlord and neighbour to feed and cuddle her and so forth. I reckon it will be good for her to get some other impulses for a while. I hope she will be okay though, I cannot help but to wonder how it will go.

It is going to be okay, I just always had a special place for the animals that I adopted and cared for. It is like a bond unlike any other that I have had with for example people I were close to. In many ways I guess I have great emotional barriers to overcome with regards to people and being boring might just help me in this area. Friends and people who get to know me keep telling me I have somehow shut down a department in my heart. Not sure what I think about that, maybe I have just gotten older and a bit wiser. Either way I feel calm right now so maybe I am okay about not being open to just anyone. I learn to compartmentalise information and emotions I suppose as I grow and evolve as a person, but don´t we all? At least I think it can be healthy to keep some distance sometimes, not forever but at least until you find your way in life. Find your path to where you want to be and the rest will come with time. Keeping focus is what can be hard so I am not too worried about the Chinese wall I tend to put up emotionally at this point. It needs to be there for now ;) But writing was always easier to do for me so ah well.

Today I went to Mannsåker with Yvette and showed her some nice places at Eide before the pouring rain set inn. Luckily my younger brother could pick us up so we did not get soaked before we went to get some wine and Hardanger cider. I always meet someone I know when I am out and it is nice how it is someone different everytime. Working at the bar makes you get to know all kinds of lovely people and today was no different. People smile and nod and start conversations out of the blue. It used to freak me out a tad, yet now I kind of like it. Nothing is ever the same and the story constantly gets a new twist to it.

I am happy. Yes I am happy just being who I am right now without anything else to rely on than my own job. It feels good to start over with only me (and of course the cat!) to think of for a while. I needed it, I still need it. Not to defend myself nor feel like I should have to. My energy is spent working, sleeping and enjoying time with family and new friends and of course planning my travels and career moves.

Life is not half bad actually ;) Until the next post.

xo Viking

A walk in the park

Hi there,

I finally have some more time on my hands from work. I spend it looking for and planning what next in terms of work and where I will live. Hoping to have found something in Stavanger or Rogaland come late fall but I am not sure if I will have any luck there by then. 

Today I went for a small hike near a place called Strand in Odda. I put my music on and let the hiking paths take me up into the hills and then down to the lake nearby. It was lovely to be alone for a while and to just find peace in the sun. Everything always seems better after a hike and the brain get to process a lot of impressions that might have gotten stuck in the back of the mind. 

I am learning that people will go a great length to get attention. Once they got it they have no clue what to do with it, at least that is how it seems to me. As I jumped and swung down the path filled with heather and old evergreen needles and took inn the scent of forest and mountain I realised how happy I was just being alone. I was smiling and I felt strong and determined. Believe me when I say THAT do not happen everyday. It is nice because it confirms I can trust myself again that I made some decisions that were right after all. Truly, I think that we are becoming more obsessed by the attention and support of others. When all we REALLY need is right there within out hearts and minds. Some get addicted to confirmation and or responses from the world around them. I find myself becoming less attentive to that sort of life. Sure I am  social and I like to spend time with friends, but as I get older and learn more about myself I find it becomes more and more important to me how I live with my own decisions and what I think of myself. There was a long period of my life when I hated who I was and where I was heading. I hated it so much I wanted to just end it and popped the wrong kind of pills. Right then I had no clue how much I needed a friend to pick me up and I was only so lucky a friend found me on that day because if not I would have not survived it the nurses told me so.

For 2 days I was paralysed from the back and down and puking like a hero...(well not really a hero but you get my drift!) The point of this story is not to start a pity party, or to wallow in the past. Because I know the worst was put behind me more than 10 years ago. It would be nice though if we in this world who go through stuff focus more on getting back on our own feet before it goes that far. Sure one does need help sometimes to regain strength and focus and there is no shame in that, yet it is not a given that people are there for you. The way we act towards the next person is the way we deserve to be treated I always thought. If we shut down and stop talking all together no one will talk to us or ask how we are. If we get angry at the world the rest of it will respond with anger most of the time (unless one is real lucky!)

Life is full of mistakes and learning moments. They make up the pebbles on your journey, on your road to the life you are aiming for. Know your aim and know that if there are D-days then with the right approach your friends will come to the rescue when you are calling.

Life is about learning, giving and receiving without getting all superduper egocentric about the whole ordeal. At least that is my take on it and of course it is not always a walk in the park but more like a hike in the mountains ;) Sometimes the road is real bumpy, slippery and full of obstacles and hard reality. Your legs hurt and get stiff, your lungs burn on the way to where you want to be but in the end....with some resilience and plenty of short breaks you get to the top. 

xo Viking

Misty days in Hardanger

Hia peeps!

An eventful week to say the least. Busy at work and earning some money so I can catch some wings to get out of this place in a near future. It has also been weeks where I have been allowed to discover sides to myself that I used to ignore or feel uncomfortable to confront. One of those sides being the inner critic. A lot of people do not know how much stress I feel at times because I do not let it show. I smile it off or talk about it in a calm manner. Fact is this that despite my open mind I am very harsh on my own life, not only looks but all the other aspects too. Perfectionistic is maybe not the right word for it, because most times I really do not give a shit about what others think of me. Yet there is a certain insecurity that lurks deep down and it only pokes its ugly head out now and then, a D-day. Only I feel it and I call it my "Turkey-days". Other females might identify more, because it starts in the morning when I look into the mirror. I do not like what I see already then and making an effort sometimes make me feel even worse. So the day starts like that, then one of my favourite jeans suddenly looks tiny on me and things are buldging out here and there. It is not even a vain thing but more a metaphor for something else my mind would like to disguise I suppose. So I make a joke to myself in the mirror to put the smile back on my face. It almost works and then as the front door closes behind me and I head out a burning starts in my belly and I do not know why but I know this might be one of those days...

As I approach people on this kind of day or groups at least I find it hard to draw my breath and get words out. Luckily I have learned from a young age that a smile even if fake can take the edge off anyhow so I do that. I remember somewhere in my stressed out head we are all people and then I suddenly recall how to greet people again. Why this is an effort on these kind of days I do not know for certain but I know it is. Well anyhow, I used to go back to bed when I had these days or isolate myself slightly when I was in my teens almost up until I was 20. Slowly I got more kickass about the whole ordeal (it might be called growing up?). I told myself to fake it till I made it. Now I am to that point where only I notice if I have these moments or days. I go out anyhow and I make the ekstra effort to counteract my inner demons. If I feel like shutting the world out I might do just the opposite to avoid the destructive circle.

It has come to the point where I think it should not matter good or bad feelings, I have to meet and greet the day anyhow. Doing that on a shitty day gives mental rewards I found. Somehow you do become more resilient to your own silliness really. It is interesting to move without my "support-wheels" now and without much distractions. I found ways to turn hard situations to a bit better and endurable moment. 

The turkey days are far apart luckily and I know where they stem from. Some broken reflections though can be a challenge to fix and it takes time.  I deserve some time now. Alone I have the joyful task, to push myself into a whole new atmosphere of opportunities. I just need to face my music, to think about how to move forward. To maybe find myself in a sea of people is a scary thought on such a day, yet lately I have done just that. Feeling like a train wreck inside-out yet I did it and jumped head first into the sea of people!  Life allows me to challenge myself now because I have time to focus on my own shit (finally!).

It is a nice way to live, it even makes life in Odda interesting. Especially because it feels more intense in this place certain situations. So many memories that influence the pulse. I notice I am not the only one that have a journey to make with regards to emotions and behavioural adaptions. I am learning everyday that I am stronger than I used to think I was. Without those hard days I would not test my own limits to this extent. The best part is that in this current time I bug no one else with this constant rebellion against my own patterns. Within I am changing and I think it makes me a better version of myself. Explorations of new countries may halt for a while now. I have enough in this moment to keep myself busy.

Meanwhile on my journey I keep smiling ;* Viking

Project Viking

Hi there,

In these days I have a lot going on again. Both work is busy as well as the search for new adventures.

Last week I went to Haugesund to see a friend of mine and her kids. It was lovely and I am planning to visit them again very soon. In september I go to Stavanger and after that I head to NL for a week or so. After that I am not sure of my plans. It depends on if I found a job and where. Things at the diner are going well at the moment and I am starting to get more into the groove of things. Today I met a lady that used to teach me and my siblings horseback-riding and jumping. I asked her how business was and guess what they are starting up the stables again! I got a bit excited and promised to visit soon. I fully intend to get back into the saddle ASAP. She told me which days they were open and I could feel myself getting excited about the news. I smiled, the older lady smiled and seemed genuinely happy to see me. It was one of those moments which just fills one with a great sense of nostalgia mixed with happiness. Even writing about it makes me happy. Because it is like the first step to getting back into a hobby I always loved to practice. Who knows, I might start jumping again as well if I really get into shape! :)

If feels good to kind of get to know people in a new way after all those years. Even if I felt a bit cadged in this town I am lucky to meet different people every day. I am learning to be comfortable with having a clear answer to why I do things and though I still have D-days I certanly feel positive despite the sad weather.  I miss friends I know I will not see in a while but I know I will meet the people I  have carved into my heart again. To travel is who I am and I always try to let my path be guided by the people I love and miss and want to visit. Hopefully California and Canada will be on the agenda next year. After that who knows, but those are both amazing places to go and I have good friends there which I am dying to split a bottle of wine with whilst the words and latest news fall out of us like it has not been too long since we last met.

Those friendships are the best. No matter the time between you and the off and on communicado you still manage to pick up the conversation as if no time or distance had ever passed or been between you. To me those things are important. 

The last few days I have been thinking a lot. Not just drifting inn and out of notions but actually making decisions about who I am and who I choose to be. Saying NO to things and actually feeling good about that. It is a big step in the right direction. Am I slowly coming to terms with myself? God I love being single right now, it allows me to assess my own emotional state separate from those of others and to work on myself. I think I needed that for years but never really allowed myself to take a real good look at myself. I feel stronger and more independent and it is a scary thought but maybe I am better off with my personality to be single? A year of soul searching might actually be a pretty darn good idea :) I call it the Project Viking.

Am I weird? 

xoViking