Coping

Hi there,

It has been a while again. Life is quiet in many ways and in other ways not so much. I am trying to keep my focus though I find it hard. A lot of nice and sweet souls in this town and somehow I did not expect that here anymore. I remember how nervous I was to move back. Yet here I am actually connecting with people and making friends. 

I try to keep as busy as I possibly can and divert from thinking about my past. Keeping busy though makes it harder to focus on the future as well. 

Now I am getting bartender training and I actually do enjoy it. It is a fun job next to the kindergarten work I am currently doing. Two different worlds I would say, yet both give me a lot of fun memories. Plan is now to stay in Odda for a while and keep saving for Stavanger as planned. Who knows how long it will take, but I want to go live there. Meanwhile I enjoy spending time with my new friends and planning trips to the Netherlands and other places when I can.

Sometimes it is good not to plan everything. So I try to keep enjoying my time here, of course knowing I will not stay forever.

I am almost 30 and certainly did not picture myself where I am today. At times I feel like I failed in many things, however I cannot change who I am nor what I went through in life to become who I am. Somethings I can adjust and adapt, whilst others root so deep I can only accept that I am the kind of person I am. Good or bad I never try to hurt people and I guess that is what is important for me. I try to fix things yes, but never hurt anyone intentionally. 

It has happened more than once that I forgot that not everyone  will be like that. I mean, if I hurt someone I will say I am sorry and really mean it. Too many people have not done that in my lifetime. That hurts of course, especially when people close to me act like that. I can get really disappointed by that in fact. I try to ignore things that hurt, but it  may take every effort I have not to say fuck you back when I do. Because what silly idiot like to insult someone they care for or they know care about them? It beats me, to think I deserve such a treatment. But then I guess I am not lonely in feeling this way. Such a weakness must be just as tiresome as some of my weaknesses are to me. 

People who saw me grow up know some of the things I went through. It can feel bad when they belittle me for who I was back then and when they know nothing about who I have become. Those are just thoughts though....because people forget, I changed a lot and especially family.

Besides these little snags in the road, I am doing well. Coping well with the changes and of course, dreading winter...brrr. I never cared much for the cold and WINTER IS COMING! Slightly tempted to move to Spain or somewhere more warm at least! Maybe South America will do;) But first I need to learn some Spanish hehe.

All in all I am ok, content but eager to move on. I have good friends and lovely family members backing me up and my father and his partner have been the most awesome support. I never expected that when I moved back, but I feel closer to them but I did. I am lucky to have them and I am especially glad that my dad and I have such a good bond now. It feels good to feel like I am not a failure in every family setting there is ;)

xo Viking

Odda Blues and Roadtrips

Hola peeps,

After about 2 weeks of working straight I sat down and could finally relax a bit and enjoy the Blues Weekend in Odda. Whilst relaxing is a concept I am no longer too familiar with, there seem to have been a time in my life when I once explored it. It was rather nice to have the weekend free as the music was flowing though the streets of Odda. Music could be heard through the city from dusk to dawn. I shall admit it that I am addicted to music and that is no joke;) There could not have been a more perfect time to be off work. I went to party with a lovely person who has become  a very good friend. Who would have thought that the two of us would end up getting along and most of all be good friends? I sure did not, but those are often the best friendships, those who grow with time and shape with low expectations. I think, well I think that we all are guilty of expecting too much of each other sometimes. I remember one of the things that felt heavy in NL was to feel expectations pushed on me and onto others because of the need to control a situation and avoid failure. The failure must be to expect too much and miss out on life if you ask me. I learned this the hard way and being on my own for a while has thought me what immense pressure can make another person feel like. I regret having been a person who expected too much of people and of myself. I missed out on so much and in a way starting over back in a place I used to hate has thought me that the more pressure you put on yourself and others, the harder the fall...no matter what the subject matter is. Of course if you succeed you feel great , yet you always want more more more.

It is good to work towards something and it is great to do good things. But like I said to my nephew tonight when he told me he is not always a good boy... this is human and we are all a bit bad sometimes.

I arrived in Stavanger today after a few days in Haugesund with Irene and her family. They are such a sweet little family with lovely kids. Since I know the city well it was nice to do a little shopping and chilling with some coffee with Irene and the kids once there. Her boyfriend actually picked me up in Odda and drove me all the way to Haugesund. Nice huh?? Well after some fun times over there and a pinch of babysitting they drove me to the busstation where I jumped on the bus to Stavanger. The friends I was supposed to stay with had a leak in her house so I am currently babysitting the kids of my sister and crashing on her couch while I am here. Just hoping I will not be too much in the way, but I see they have a big couch so I think we will manage until Tuesday ;)

Stavanger is a city I have visited a few times before. I had a boyfriend here when I was 17 or so. I lived across the fjord and took the boat over in the weekend. And even after it ended we remained friends and met up. I always liked the city because it has a charming way about it. Not too big nor small and just like Haarlem it has some beautiful historical streets and monumental buildings and even more history. People here seem relaxed in a way but maybe that is just at first glance. A lot has changed after the effects of sinking oil prices hit the city. It is like a small crisis within Norway with regards to people loosing their jobs. Stavanger is a oil city you see. Mostly known for the industry connected to this trade. When the prices dropped a lot of people lost their jobs here and the domino effects are felt far down the hiring ladder. I hope the work situation here will pick up and that I can find a job that can finance my life and some extra studies I wish to do on the side.

Anyhow, tomorrow I hope to have some time in the city to see my friend and watch the Suicide Squad with her. That would be awesome. Then Tuesday I am heading for AMSTERDAM babyyyyy!

Until next update,

XX Viking

Relax do not think too much....

Hi peeps,

It is busy busy busy and at times difficult to focus on the things that are important to me. Doing the right thing is not always a straight forward nor black and white kind of matter. So many factors play part in your decisions and sometimes one can struggle have the right approach to things. Life is good, busy but good and though I am embracing the boringness of this town I miss life as an expat everyday. I miss my good friends everyday and I cannot wait until 27th of September when I land in NL to see all the lovely peeps I have been missing back ¨home¨.

I miss going to Amsterdam almost every weekend to enjoy a fine wine every weekend with an interesting person. I miss hearing stories or points of views that affect my own and I miss the educated talks about our environment. People here seem to care little about the subject-matter and I find it a bit frighting that people care less about their environment in such a rich country. By all means I know how to smalltalk now and keep people entertained but I miss being part of something bigger than me. I MISS making a difference in the world. For now though I have to just accept that I cannot be that kind of person for a while. I keep busy with other things until a good opportunity bids as was the plan all along.

Coming back to the fairy tale like valley Odda has not been as bad as I thought it would be. I am connecting with my family and I am making new friends everyday. I enjoy the fact that there are a lot of international people here which makes for an interesting wine and dine evening. Right now I also find time to go for walks and jogs if nothing else but that is about it. The next 10 days will be hectic before I head off to the Netherlands. I am planned inn to work at several places and might do more bartender work in the weekend.  It is nice do something different for a while, it keeps me busy and away from bad decisions I suppose. It is a bit fucked up what boredom does to the hormonal brain is it not?

Anyway, to sum it all up most things are okay. I am finding it hard to focus on the right things right now but if I keep myself busy I will manage just fine I think. 

My cat loves the boring life at the moment, I have never seen her this relaxed and happy. She is constantly sleeping on my lap when I am in bed and  greeting my with her loud meows when I get home. She even crawls up on my lap while I type away words on the laptop. 

I have no clue what will happen next, I hope for something good and meaningful in my life. Because my dreams remain the same as they always were, to make a difference.

xo

Viking

Let me be....boring

Hola peeps,

Not been too active lately, lots of work and goodbyes to arrange but now I have some time to plot down some thoughts from smalltown Norway.

It is boring here you would think, but somehow drama seem to follow me around like a kid with a magnifying glass and where I am the ant burning in the sun. ;)  I will not go too much in detail but it has been one heck of a month and though I am glad I will not have to count sheep to keep amused I would like to stress I took this year to just get a bit more boring for a while. I took this year to rest and write and work mainly and to reflect on my own life-choices and look towards the future and the plans I would like to realise not to far away from now.

Adventure and the joy of travelling will always be a big part of me, yet I find myself becoming less and less tolerant to people trying to make a silly mess of things just for thrills. Not telling them off is..well a challenge! Laughing with friends and meeting new individuals must be far greater and joyous than causing havoc and emotional turmoil just because don´t you think so?

Summer or what we saw of it anyway...is coming to an end. This means less tourism and that summer colleagues leave. I will miss the craziness it brought in many ways, maybe now life will go more back to ¨normal¨ here in Odda. Today I had visits all the way from the Netherlands and it was nice to just eat a good meal after our hike/walk and drink a bottle of wine whilst chatting about old and new. There is nothing like a good friend and a bottle of nice dry white to catch up!

Tomorrow it is back to work and I will be quite busy until I go to Amsterdam, Rotterdam and Utrecht in the end of September. Before that I will meet lovely Jeanette in Stavanger and Irene in Haugesund (YAY! Travel joys!) and and and I cannot wait to go out in Rotterdam with Yvette. We planned it today and if she gets time off work it will be a nice few days around the Randstad with close friends. I am not looking forward to letting Freya stay behind though for 10 days or so. She is so attached to me now that if I am gone for a few days she gets so stressed and that is not a nice feeling. I will ask my landlord and neighbour to feed and cuddle her and so forth. I reckon it will be good for her to get some other impulses for a while. I hope she will be okay though, I cannot help but to wonder how it will go.

It is going to be okay, I just always had a special place for the animals that I adopted and cared for. It is like a bond unlike any other that I have had with for example people I were close to. In many ways I guess I have great emotional barriers to overcome with regards to people and being boring might just help me in this area. Friends and people who get to know me keep telling me I have somehow shut down a department in my heart. Not sure what I think about that, maybe I have just gotten older and a bit wiser. Either way I feel calm right now so maybe I am okay about not being open to just anyone. I learn to compartmentalise information and emotions I suppose as I grow and evolve as a person, but don´t we all? At least I think it can be healthy to keep some distance sometimes, not forever but at least until you find your way in life. Find your path to where you want to be and the rest will come with time. Keeping focus is what can be hard so I am not too worried about the Chinese wall I tend to put up emotionally at this point. It needs to be there for now ;) But writing was always easier to do for me so ah well.

Today I went to Mannsåker with Yvette and showed her some nice places at Eide before the pouring rain set inn. Luckily my younger brother could pick us up so we did not get soaked before we went to get some wine and Hardanger cider. I always meet someone I know when I am out and it is nice how it is someone different everytime. Working at the bar makes you get to know all kinds of lovely people and today was no different. People smile and nod and start conversations out of the blue. It used to freak me out a tad, yet now I kind of like it. Nothing is ever the same and the story constantly gets a new twist to it.

I am happy. Yes I am happy just being who I am right now without anything else to rely on than my own job. It feels good to start over with only me (and of course the cat!) to think of for a while. I needed it, I still need it. Not to defend myself nor feel like I should have to. My energy is spent working, sleeping and enjoying time with family and new friends and of course planning my travels and career moves.

Life is not half bad actually ;) Until the next post.

xo Viking

A walk in the park

Hi there,

I finally have some more time on my hands from work. I spend it looking for and planning what next in terms of work and where I will live. Hoping to have found something in Stavanger or Rogaland come late fall but I am not sure if I will have any luck there by then. 

Today I went for a small hike near a place called Strand in Odda. I put my music on and let the hiking paths take me up into the hills and then down to the lake nearby. It was lovely to be alone for a while and to just find peace in the sun. Everything always seems better after a hike and the brain get to process a lot of impressions that might have gotten stuck in the back of the mind. 

I am learning that people will go a great length to get attention. Once they got it they have no clue what to do with it, at least that is how it seems to me. As I jumped and swung down the path filled with heather and old evergreen needles and took inn the scent of forest and mountain I realised how happy I was just being alone. I was smiling and I felt strong and determined. Believe me when I say THAT do not happen everyday. It is nice because it confirms I can trust myself again that I made some decisions that were right after all. Truly, I think that we are becoming more obsessed by the attention and support of others. When all we REALLY need is right there within out hearts and minds. Some get addicted to confirmation and or responses from the world around them. I find myself becoming less attentive to that sort of life. Sure I am  social and I like to spend time with friends, but as I get older and learn more about myself I find it becomes more and more important to me how I live with my own decisions and what I think of myself. There was a long period of my life when I hated who I was and where I was heading. I hated it so much I wanted to just end it and popped the wrong kind of pills. Right then I had no clue how much I needed a friend to pick me up and I was only so lucky a friend found me on that day because if not I would have not survived it the nurses told me so.

For 2 days I was paralysed from the back and down and puking like a hero...(well not really a hero but you get my drift!) The point of this story is not to start a pity party, or to wallow in the past. Because I know the worst was put behind me more than 10 years ago. It would be nice though if we in this world who go through stuff focus more on getting back on our own feet before it goes that far. Sure one does need help sometimes to regain strength and focus and there is no shame in that, yet it is not a given that people are there for you. The way we act towards the next person is the way we deserve to be treated I always thought. If we shut down and stop talking all together no one will talk to us or ask how we are. If we get angry at the world the rest of it will respond with anger most of the time (unless one is real lucky!)

Life is full of mistakes and learning moments. They make up the pebbles on your journey, on your road to the life you are aiming for. Know your aim and know that if there are D-days then with the right approach your friends will come to the rescue when you are calling.

Life is about learning, giving and receiving without getting all superduper egocentric about the whole ordeal. At least that is my take on it and of course it is not always a walk in the park but more like a hike in the mountains ;) Sometimes the road is real bumpy, slippery and full of obstacles and hard reality. Your legs hurt and get stiff, your lungs burn on the way to where you want to be but in the end....with some resilience and plenty of short breaks you get to the top. 

xo Viking

Misty days in Hardanger

Hia peeps!

An eventful week to say the least. Busy at work and earning some money so I can catch some wings to get out of this place in a near future. It has also been weeks where I have been allowed to discover sides to myself that I used to ignore or feel uncomfortable to confront. One of those sides being the inner critic. A lot of people do not know how much stress I feel at times because I do not let it show. I smile it off or talk about it in a calm manner. Fact is this that despite my open mind I am very harsh on my own life, not only looks but all the other aspects too. Perfectionistic is maybe not the right word for it, because most times I really do not give a shit about what others think of me. Yet there is a certain insecurity that lurks deep down and it only pokes its ugly head out now and then, a D-day. Only I feel it and I call it my "Turkey-days". Other females might identify more, because it starts in the morning when I look into the mirror. I do not like what I see already then and making an effort sometimes make me feel even worse. So the day starts like that, then one of my favourite jeans suddenly looks tiny on me and things are buldging out here and there. It is not even a vain thing but more a metaphor for something else my mind would like to disguise I suppose. So I make a joke to myself in the mirror to put the smile back on my face. It almost works and then as the front door closes behind me and I head out a burning starts in my belly and I do not know why but I know this might be one of those days...

As I approach people on this kind of day or groups at least I find it hard to draw my breath and get words out. Luckily I have learned from a young age that a smile even if fake can take the edge off anyhow so I do that. I remember somewhere in my stressed out head we are all people and then I suddenly recall how to greet people again. Why this is an effort on these kind of days I do not know for certain but I know it is. Well anyhow, I used to go back to bed when I had these days or isolate myself slightly when I was in my teens almost up until I was 20. Slowly I got more kickass about the whole ordeal (it might be called growing up?). I told myself to fake it till I made it. Now I am to that point where only I notice if I have these moments or days. I go out anyhow and I make the ekstra effort to counteract my inner demons. If I feel like shutting the world out I might do just the opposite to avoid the destructive circle.

It has come to the point where I think it should not matter good or bad feelings, I have to meet and greet the day anyhow. Doing that on a shitty day gives mental rewards I found. Somehow you do become more resilient to your own silliness really. It is interesting to move without my "support-wheels" now and without much distractions. I found ways to turn hard situations to a bit better and endurable moment. 

The turkey days are far apart luckily and I know where they stem from. Some broken reflections though can be a challenge to fix and it takes time.  I deserve some time now. Alone I have the joyful task, to push myself into a whole new atmosphere of opportunities. I just need to face my music, to think about how to move forward. To maybe find myself in a sea of people is a scary thought on such a day, yet lately I have done just that. Feeling like a train wreck inside-out yet I did it and jumped head first into the sea of people!  Life allows me to challenge myself now because I have time to focus on my own shit (finally!).

It is a nice way to live, it even makes life in Odda interesting. Especially because it feels more intense in this place certain situations. So many memories that influence the pulse. I notice I am not the only one that have a journey to make with regards to emotions and behavioural adaptions. I am learning everyday that I am stronger than I used to think I was. Without those hard days I would not test my own limits to this extent. The best part is that in this current time I bug no one else with this constant rebellion against my own patterns. Within I am changing and I think it makes me a better version of myself. Explorations of new countries may halt for a while now. I have enough in this moment to keep myself busy.

Meanwhile on my journey I keep smiling ;* Viking

Project Viking

Hi there,

In these days I have a lot going on again. Both work is busy as well as the search for new adventures.

Last week I went to Haugesund to see a friend of mine and her kids. It was lovely and I am planning to visit them again very soon. In september I go to Stavanger and after that I head to NL for a week or so. After that I am not sure of my plans. It depends on if I found a job and where. Things at the diner are going well at the moment and I am starting to get more into the groove of things. Today I met a lady that used to teach me and my siblings horseback-riding and jumping. I asked her how business was and guess what they are starting up the stables again! I got a bit excited and promised to visit soon. I fully intend to get back into the saddle ASAP. She told me which days they were open and I could feel myself getting excited about the news. I smiled, the older lady smiled and seemed genuinely happy to see me. It was one of those moments which just fills one with a great sense of nostalgia mixed with happiness. Even writing about it makes me happy. Because it is like the first step to getting back into a hobby I always loved to practice. Who knows, I might start jumping again as well if I really get into shape! :)

If feels good to kind of get to know people in a new way after all those years. Even if I felt a bit cadged in this town I am lucky to meet different people every day. I am learning to be comfortable with having a clear answer to why I do things and though I still have D-days I certanly feel positive despite the sad weather.  I miss friends I know I will not see in a while but I know I will meet the people I  have carved into my heart again. To travel is who I am and I always try to let my path be guided by the people I love and miss and want to visit. Hopefully California and Canada will be on the agenda next year. After that who knows, but those are both amazing places to go and I have good friends there which I am dying to split a bottle of wine with whilst the words and latest news fall out of us like it has not been too long since we last met.

Those friendships are the best. No matter the time between you and the off and on communicado you still manage to pick up the conversation as if no time or distance had ever passed or been between you. To me those things are important. 

The last few days I have been thinking a lot. Not just drifting inn and out of notions but actually making decisions about who I am and who I choose to be. Saying NO to things and actually feeling good about that. It is a big step in the right direction. Am I slowly coming to terms with myself? God I love being single right now, it allows me to assess my own emotional state separate from those of others and to work on myself. I think I needed that for years but never really allowed myself to take a real good look at myself. I feel stronger and more independent and it is a scary thought but maybe I am better off with my personality to be single? A year of soul searching might actually be a pretty darn good idea :) I call it the Project Viking.

Am I weird? 

xoViking 

Knock! Knock ! Knocking on Viking´s Walls

Hey there,

It is another smalltown grey day in Odda and I am prepping for another day at work. The air feels moist and a bit heavy as I walk towards the town centre. The wind though jumps through my hair as if to say ¨I WILL HAVE NONE OF THAT SLOW PASTE LIFE MISSY!¨ It kind of makes me cheerful and it kind of makes my thick gipsy hair messy. Then again, who do I really care to look good for in this town right? I do not want to stay for long, I cannot stay for much longer. My life consists of not much other than working my behinds off and sleeping or thinking about work or how much I miss my pillowcase!

Sharing my train of thought can be great, yet sometimes a somewhat repetitive exercise. At least it feels like that is what I am doing. However, I do feel calm in some manner because even if it disturbs me somewhat I am settling inn a bit for the moment. I am jamming to tunes with people who found themselves stranded in Odda from all over the world. We are not perfect, none of us are and so it does feel like we have at least that in common. Yesterday I sat on a bench outside the diner where I work waiting for a bus when 3 of my colleagues came outside and made a friend sandwich of us all on the bench. That moment was nice, I could barely see due to tiredness and my back was hurting like hell yet there we sat the lot of us shoulder to shoulder laughing of the crazy days we have had. It felt like an episode of Seinfeld when they meet at that bar and just sit and feel tired together while sharing that dayś events with each other. All ages, all so different and yet still imperfect and in the same mode at the end of the day. Sure we annoy each other senseless at work sometimes albeit we do work rather well together even so. 

On this day I was contemplating my next step as well as thinking about how much has changed in my life the last 6 years. The hunger for stabilising a little in a city instead of a town was very much present and that too might be why I am no counting on myself more and more and on others less and less. I do not want to feel like crap for being a bit selfish now and then and to feel like I have to be sacrificing parts of my life or health for someone else just because I grew up thinking others matter more than me and my own life. I am single for selfish reasons now and still I find myself often pushing my own needs aside for the people I care about around me. In order to figure things out in my own life I need to put the needs of others a bit in the background for a while. I hope that it will not be a mistake since my gut strongly disagrees with these sort of decisions. I just have to teach myself that this is normal and that most people are a bit selfish now and then and in fact it happens a lot more than one would think. 

I am awfully good at giving advice. Brilliant in fact, however I should maybe follow my own advice now and then and not worry too much about the consequences every singe time. Is my personality really this uptight with my own ego? I need to relax and just accept how life pans out and stand by my decisions no matter what happens. The road is long though and I know it will be a challenge for me. After all I am a hardcore controlfreak in some ways. But heck, let´s see if I can manage to pull my life together in a more stable way in the months to come.

xo Viking

Cancel My Plans! I am Growing Up!

Hey there,

It has been a while. Truth be told I have been so busy the last 3 weeks that I rarely got anything done with regards to writing. 

Emotionally things are clearing up as well. I guess I needed a reminder on that it is ok to just be honest to oneself and others. It is okay to disagree, yet it does not make it less difficult for me when discussions get too intense. Somehow I struggle when I see my opinions or actions hurt someone else. Too long I pushed myself to the edge of the conversation to avoid conflict and just sat listening to what others thought  to be best. I figured I was clear enough with my action but I guess that people will have to want to listen as well for the message to be conveyed.

Things will fall into place now, maybe they already are. The painful part is feeling like a shitty person for a while, but I am an adult so I should deal with that in such a way as one then should.... yes there will be chocolate involved and shitloads of coffee! Yes there will be PJ nights with a certain lapcat involved and oh icecream...possibly an appletini....but just Saturdays. ;) The other days I guess focusing on a new wardrobe will suffice !

Life has a funny way of teaching me big and small lessons here and there. Finally I understand some things that I failed to see clearly in the past. My patience has been tested to the point of breakage and you know what ...I think it was a good way to learn though a painful lesson at that.

I do try to learn from my mistakes, but I know I am not the most easy person to deal with at times. Some will say I own no emotions whilst others say I have too much of it. It is a balance game peeps, when to listen, when to let go, when to accept the lack of control and when to stand up for oneself.

So not saying I am perfect though! Far from it, but I do want to be better at certain things and try to understand others better. I sometimes wish my patience was better suited for this world and that my people skills in tense situations were somewhat rounder in taste. Yet I am as square with those as I am when I am in the kitchen....and I tend to flee to get that fresh breath of air again. 

Funny in a way to know the logical side to an emotional response yet being unable to deal with it any different than the biology determined so many thousands of years ago. I have not been angry in many many years, not really but this week my patience really got tested to the limit and I must say it shocked me a bit. Yet my response was to leave the tense situation I was in finally. I do not like getting angry nor to feel pushed in a corner and yet there is something about the whole ordeal that really flicked a switch in my head. I realised how I must have put some people on the spot like this a few times myself without empathy or much emotional understanding as to where they were coming from in times when they felt cornered by my discussions. I cannot explain it any better than this because I do not want to go to much into details here, but something definitely changed within me.

This week turned out very different from what I planned, but I learned so much about my own responses to stress and emotional situations. I guess you could say I grew up a little (however only a LITTLE!)

Big Smooches from the Viking !

Road-trip to Voss

Hi peeps!

Today me and a nice company of friends ended up taking a road-trip to Voss. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed every nostalgic second of it. I have managed to get a fever since this morning and that is unfortunate though most probably a passing problem.

The different shades of green merging with tones of grey and blue in the landscape brought back memories of a time in my life that I remember with a smile. Times on the horseback, moving out of my hometown and the first time I ever felt excited about living and learning. It has been a a long time since I went to Voss and really spent time there and relived some beautiful moments in my life. I left Voss about 12 years ago and the first time I saw it again was this time last year. Back then there was not time to really spend a significant moment  there so today I tasted every second of the green warm environment where I started my journey to who I have become today.

The fresh air was just as lovely as I remembered it to be. Whilst the hot air was lurking out the heavy clouds from the background I closed my eyes for a moment and listened to the sheep bells in the background and took a mental  picture.

The journey I started back then in 2003/2004 might be over but I am pretty sure that a new one has begun and just like back then I am like Bambi on the ice. You see I always had a backup plan with my study and career to justify any sacrifice or move and now those have been ripped away and apart so what is left to blame or grow from??? I am back where I started and in many ways confused about a lot of things, pondering about my next steps ahead and if the ice will be slippery, will my motivation stand on the road ahead like it did back then? 

   Voss from up High! Own photo (July, 2016)

So many questions lurking in my head these days and I am trying to feel life's little cherries and close my eyes and ears as well as heart to those people and moments that really disappoint me and fail not only to support but are just clearing space in the calendar for people who never see the 'rain'. 

No journey is without sacrifice or planning of course, the impulsive journeys however...will always feel like the most refreshing, cunning, lovely and let's not forget, surprising ones.

Until next time peeps!

xo VIKING!

My Sparkling Diamonds

Hi Peeps,

How are you over there on the other side of my pen? Are you happy it is summer? In this moment are you feeling like tomorrow holds hope of another great day? Looking inside and feeling the rhythm of you beat does it feel strong or weak? Steady or chopped up? 

Reading my blog, does it give you insight in me or yourself? Are you on a soul search or just curious ? I wonder if you find it supportive to see my journey through my ups and downs or if it is merely bedside reading? 

I am guessing there are a mix of people reading though I find it difficult to picture sitting here on the other side. When I was younger I would have wished someone to post their experience for me to read though. Because going through emotional stuff and travelling along life alone can make one feel isolated and strange or uncommon or just like an abnormal tumour. Hahaha I am sorry for my colourful description there but I just had to ;)

Well there was none of that but then maybe I was not looking in the right places back then. I guess I was too busy battling dark stuff to reach out. I hope there is some help in my writing though. Because even if I sometimes use it as an outlet of grief, happiness, frustration or tales of my adventures on this earth I also do wish to share with people who struggle with different things in life that you are not alone and it is normal to have your ups and downs. You are not the hard nor difficult person you tell yourself you are, but a unique treasure waiting to be discovered and your sparkles might blind some people as you pass them in high speed. Yet your sparkles will be very much appreciated one day by the right people.Yet keep evolving and search for mental feed and seek the balance that will keep you on the right track. Practice that and you will not be tipped over so easily everytime shit hits the fan and threatens to dull your sparkles. It might seem easy but it is not always that way.

None of us are perfect but we can sparkle even so. I met a woman in my hometown I did not know, she is a bit younger than me and her hard exterior and harsh comments fooled me into thinking she was a right bitch. Yet I have come to realise she is more like me than what I could have imagined. In the beginning we were not really getting along but now I see her sparkles, she has let down her guard and let me see that just like me she had her struggles in life and just like me she has tried very hard to hide her vulnerable side. But it is there and it makes me smile to see that despite a horrible first impression we have more similarities than what I first thought. But more than anything I saw the sparkles of this person, just that she tried hiding it made them difficult to see.

I can also be bitchy at times and hard to read and I guess to some that makes me look like a royal B! Yet I wonder not about who I am today, I wonder who you are? Hiding behind my printed letters? A friend of mine already?Interested in the internal life of the Viking? Interested in adventure across the lands? Or just in search of something to ease the pressure of life a little? Does reading calm or soothe your soul?

Who are you little diamond?

                                                                        Picture found on Google ( 2016)

                                        

xx Viking

Euphoric Tales

Hi there,

Busy days for a busy head over here, the difference now is that I know I am not going anywhere anytime soon. Though I did just order a trip to Bergen for the end of July! :D

The city grows on me everytime I visit it. It is different now that I am older and the visit does not contain greeting any lab coated person that wants to probe me. When young the only things I tended to see there was the inside of a university hospital and all the tests they used to do. 

Luckily it is very different now. Finally I will travel a bit again if not for too long then at least a wee bit until I go to Stavanger and the NL yet again. Travelling makes me happy and at ease somehow. In times of terror it might be odd that I feel so comfortable at an airport as I do. Not sure how I have become this strange lady so easy on her wings but somewhere along the way it happened. I am sure I would be rather different growing up under different circumstances but the travel urge and spirit I possess would probably have been very strong no matter what. What happens as I take off in a plane? Well I can only explain it like this, it feels like the whole of my insides are smiling in a promise of new beginnings. As I take off I let go of burdens I once carried and I let them be in the part of the world I am leaving. 

Of course life is not has simple. I cannot run away from my problems, THAT would be a grand illusion for sure. All I am saying is, that the take off feels like that and for a while I feel free of all worries. Strange ay, however very honest. It might be I am not alone in feeling this way, it would make sense if I was not.

There are moments in life where everything else just fade and a sort of euphoria grabs you so hard you can do nothing but enjoy every second of it. Flying is one of these moments for me. 

Right now I am not flying and work is calling me so I gotta run and say...until next time peeps!

xx Viking

I Love the Blur

Hi there peeps,

It is pouring down with rain the last few days and the scent afterwards when the sun hits the moist mountain air, concrete and green leaves is somewhat addictive. It brings me back to the innocence of childhood. Not sure why that is, could it be from when I used to run away from home to live an adventure? Or is it from the times we used to build tree-huts with branches or leaves the lot of us? Was it from a hide and seek game in the fields outside my childhood home that imprinted on my brain after a rainy shower? I am not sure, but it smells familiar and it is a calming scent for whatever reason. 

The rainbow soon follows the rays of sun, as if the tiny drops of rain still hanging in the air and the rays are dancing together in this magical dance that ends up in a beautiful display of colours. 

Nature is inspiring, breathtaking and all together brilliant. It challenges us and it makes us feel humble. It also makes us soul search and face things a busy city usually tends to blur out. I find myself learning that I have become that kind of person  that loves nature but like to blur things out. I like distractions, moments that draw me towards a bliss, a smile and good times. No need to look back I think, at least if not necessary. The city makes less time for thinking, in fact it makes less time for anything to be fair. Less time for health, less time to think of things that makes one less effective. It is easy to run away from feelings in a city and get drunk on tempting new experiences. I find myself a bit torn between the 2. I like nature but I like the blur and the high paste of things in a city. I blur inn with the rest as well and I can be anonymous, to be nobody can feel rather liberating at times. To just blend inn and feel like making mistakes is no biggie. Do silly and crazy stuff without being afraid or held back by countryside gossip. Sitting on the train with music in my ears the day after a big party with the feeling I am flying through the landscape and racing through what needs some quick review in my mind, yet not for too long since the trains in the big cities tend to be quick to reach their destinations. At least in NL that is.  

In september I will finally feel like that again. Visiting the Netherlands and the cities that contains great historical monuments and energy and the famous blur I have come to appreciate. Smalltown issues become insignificant there and it takes extra effort to keep on top of everything, no need to dive into the past.

There are many good sides to blurring, there are many bad as well. After a while blurring away in life tends to extend to health and happiness. Choices become harder to make and the fear of getting pinned down to one place or person become greater with the years.  After that every encounter with people who wish to love you might just feel like an approaching cage because it threatens to unblur things ;)

Scared is a strong word but it kind of fits the setting. As we get older and more used to making our own course any threat to this no matter how great the emotions or intentions feels unfitting and scary. Because for people like me who love the blur, dealing with being a unit means dealing with giving up a part of ourselves we learned to appreciate. Maybe someone in the unit will tell us to deal with emotions or the things we like to push away for a more convenient time in the back of our heads?

Escapism is a broad term a philosopher once told me of. It fits the shoe I thought and so what? It does not matter because it just defined how I felt. I do not wanna be defined as a unit, nor just a woman or a Norwegian lass. The definition I am the most happy with is the one my friends give me....which is a broad shitload of things but none of them narrow it down to a unit or just a woman. Time and experiences along the road changes all of us , it can never be static and as much of a curse that might feel like for some. I like it this way, forever changing and evolving and who knows one day I might feel different about certain stuff but I doubt it.

Until next time peeps,

xx Viking

To Health and Happiness!

Hi there,

SO.....I started again.... to focus on my health and fitness when I am not working. When I was living in the Netherlands and especially in Utrecht and Amsterdam I saw hundreds if not more joggers out on the streets and when I was not out there with them I felt somewhat lazy if I am honest. But with my health having been a huge challenge the last 2 years I have had to cut down on the 10km runs and hours of gym fitness I used to manage just fine. 

Being back in Odda helps, I am taking the fitness quest on at my own rate. Nature lures me out and the motivation to get my health back on track slowly but surely. Come rain or shine I need to focus and keep sight of what is important to me right now. 

I started running a few weeks ago and walking the old dog of my brothers was a good start. Having hip dysplasia and being a oldie she was a good excuse to begin with slow and small walks. But 3 weeks ago I had my first run in a long time and it did not feel half bad even if it was just a few km. A week after that I upped the game and started on a 10km trail that leads to my dad's place. I could not run the whole 10km but did interval laps until I was at their place. It was bloody hot as well and I could have chosen a better time to go but hey I finished at it felt very good indeed. 

This week I am jogging a uphill and downhill trail from Hjøllo- Mannsåker- Hovden/Sandvind Lake- Tungebrekke and back to Hjøllo from there. It is a 7-8km route but more challenging and muscle building. This route also has a very beautiful scenery to take inn while on the go. I tend to meet familiar faces on the way as well and I have the potential to make the run longer as I progress to Jordal and Buer. 

For reasons unknown to doctors my health is very up and down for a while now and I am trying to slowly let my body heal with a combination of work- workouts-relaxation which believe it or not is a very hard combination to manage.  Especially with the hours I work I cannot always get the ratio of these elements I would have wished to have. Nevertheless I keep trying and I notice that my mind is calmer after the runs and if I get the late shifts at work I can do a run before work as well. 

In a very busy world it can be hard to fit it all into a plan. But when your health depends on it you just have to. Who would have guessed that what used to be an addiction now is crucial to keep me healthy? It is life's irony and it is kind of funny to be completely honest. For me I truly think that for my health, coming back to Norway was the best choice right now, not too much pressure here. Yet for my social life...well that is a TOTAL different story heheeheheh. But cheers to health and happiness which is all that matters right now ! 

Laters peeps ;)

x Viking

How strange and wonderful

Hi there,

Is it just me or is the world getting wackier by the day?

It sure feels like that, because there are so many things going on yet again. At times there are too many thoughts in my head, too many considerations and I shut down. Yet despite these moments everyday I am learning new things about myself. I see that as a positive side to all the craziness and the fact that I am learning to grow new bonds with people in my family. Sometimes when bad stuff happens around you it can have the great side-effect of drawing people together. It certainly feels like that is how it is like with my dad and his family. Sure we have our differences, but we are learning to understand and to communicate those differences as a whole family unit. I am glad I have them now and it feels like they are glad to have me here.

Whilst my head is busy it feels like they are my pillars of stability. Also happy that I have friends that despite the distance from the Netherlands to Norway keep in touch and stay supportive and helpful in their feedback. 

As I told my dear friend Jessie today, I am finding back to the core of myself now. Being single and back at square one does that to you. And let us face it, square one twice does not really happen BUT it is a feeling none-the-less ;) Whilst the work-situation has to change I would like to highlight that work is not all you are. Too many people forget how much of a trace they leave on the people surrounding them. The ring effects of oneself are often overlooked by the most humble. I would not call myself overly humble after living 5 years in NL yet I am not so good complimenting myself or my own achievements from within. I spoke a whole lot to my dad and his family about it. Shared some thoughts now and in the past, compared how I used handle things and how I handle them now. I realise that I changed a lot in social settings but that deep down certain things are still wild and unruly, terrifying and traumatised yet sharp and clear cut. I could have given up last year when my whole life felt like it was falling apart. I was writing a letter even to say sorry I give up this shit see u in space peeps! Yet somewhere inside me I found that wild child that would have none of that. I was so ready to give up and there she was, that spirit of mine that kicked inn every-time things got bad. I had to get angry to find the strength to carry on. I had to accept how depressing and shitty I felt and to get over it and find a solution. I still remember how embarrassed I was to ask for help. Really kudos on Jessie, Noelia, Robert, Jo, Yvette, my Dad and his lovely lady Jorun as well as Paul for being so strong and helpful when I was nothing but an angry, lost and wild shut down prune of a person. I needed to be a prune for a while, just get all the shit out of my system ;) 

I firmly believe we are too obsessed about showing a fake positivity as a society so we are preceived in a nice light on social media. After facebook and instragram people became more aware how one picture or sentence online can change how people look at you forever. This means of course that a moment in time with harsh times hanging over your head could mean a potential personal disaster ! I get that people are scared of this and I get that negativity can be overwhelming and unnecessary as a constant as well. Duh! I am not stupid! Of course we need happiness as well to shine. But why is it we are so scared to feel vulnerable and to show the purity of our emotions? Why is it so important to be so damb positive all the time even when it is untrue and actually a fake projection of how we wish to be? I mean would we really want to be anything else than human? A human is not perfect or happy all the time right? 

It dawned on me when I went through what felt like hell and back that people did not accept the depressed version of me at all. At least not most people. To find a comfort when all else seems dark and unlivable is hard and I was darn lucky to have Noelia and Jo at that point in my life. What happened to people just giving each other a hug or glass of wine and room to heal ? Has facebook and other social media made us less capable of physical and actual communication? What happened to dragging your depressed friend out on a movie night with friends or just offering a shoulder so one could mourn a  loss of a loved one or to contemplate what to do next? We should be better and I am also referring to myself in this. I wish I was as good with my words in person as I can be in writing. It is not so I am afraid and right now, I am learning this the hard way. 

We are all humans, however due to these advances in technology and our absorption of it we really need to be reminded of it sometimes. We are such a social species dependent on actual contact with actual humans so fear of making mistakes or seeming imperfect should not stop us. Those are the very things that make us better, make us learn about ourselves.

You could argue it is just me and not the world that is getting wackier of course;)

xo

Viking

The Hometown Metaphor

Hello dear readers,

The days are passing here in Odda as if nothing ever happened. It has given me a lot and maybe even too much time to reflect on certain moments in my life. It has also given me shitloads of time to spend with my family. The sane part of it that is ;)

I am learning that they have changed as well as one would do through the years. Young sisters have a family, older brothers as well. Younger siblings are turning into young adults with their own character and personality helping define their paths.

I always joke that nothing changes in Odda, that people stay more or less the same and that the world around it just moves whilst Odda remains the same. As a sort of Hobbiton  if you will.

It is of course  just a metaphor like the one Tolkien made in his book, a metaphor of his home. The feeling hometowns gives of not changing might just be us hoping it will not subconsciously. Yet even in the books of Tolkien as well as other authors that have these vivid metaphors for their hometowns show us just how much i changed in the end of their book if not sooner. It very often has a dramatic flare to it and a melancholic aftertaste of sorts. Whilst I think changes in Odda is a good thing I certainly do not find them dramatic. I guess the funny twist to my story is that coming back to this town makes me feel like I stood still all this time. That might be a dramatic flare from my side I suppose or just me feeling I have not done enough in my time. It is relatively easy to feel like you are standing still in a world that moves so fast around you and let´s not forget. It is more than possible to feel like a random mistake when everyone else seem to have it all sorted out.

Yesterday I made a first step in a huge decision, it is still not set in stone yet but if I go through with it next year I know it will change my life forever. Though I am not going to tell what it is right now it does make me feel rather happy to think about making this step. It has nothing to do with a man at all, it is something completely different and more importantly I am making the step for myself and nobody else. All I can say is that even though it is something that is more probable to happen in the course of next year it is something that feel strangely natural and very rewarding and the journey starts here.

Photo uploaded from Google Images

Also thinking of taking some extra courses when there is time and stability for it. I am looking at the option of moving to Stavanger now after September because if I could find myself a management job or tech.support job there it would be perfect for what I plan to do. If that latter does not happen I will have another look at the UK and the Netherlands options again. It is about time to figure stuff out because Odda is beautiful and it is where I grew up but it will not do much for me since I do not intend to work at the factory for a living. I wanna do grand things, i wanna use my brain as much as possible and I wanna see new things and go places. I wanna feel like every freaking day will be a different adventure and though Odda is nice in lots of ways, it certainly does not leave me with that feeling. It might be a place to come back to for when I need to gather myself when I have fallen, but it is not a place I find myself growing and developing my life further.

Xx Viking

Tourism and Trolltunga

Dear readers,

I have been back in Norway and my hometown Odda for about a month now and being a real ¨Oddabu¨ I realize that what to me makes common sense might not to tourists.

Daily people visit the diner I currently work part-time at, not only to eat but to ask for bus times, directions, taxi, shop opening hours, how to get to their hotel and asking how long it takes to get to Trolltunga. Some tourists are aware it is a long hike to Trolltunga (between 7-10 hours hike back and forth depending on condition). It is not possible to get there by car just to take a photo and wearing good hiking gear is a must. 

Months of June-July-August are so busy you might have to wait in line to get a picture of yourself on the rock and it makes no sense to me that so many people want to hike that far and stand in a que that long either but then I guess we did not have a tower to visit so a 10 hour hike was the next best ;). 

A few days ago I had an guy from India asking how to get to Sjeggedal (the starting point of the Trolltunga hike). He got annoyed when I told him he could take a taxi if no one could drive him, his hotel was also in that area and so his only option to get back to Sjeggedal was by taxi or to ask someone for a ride. Now I am no expert on travelling or anything , but if I go travelling I make sure I can get back and forth to my hotel without problems. And if someone helps me along the way I am grateful not annoyed. I had no idea so many people choose not to plan stuff like this. To me it makes common sense really. I enjoy living in cities that are international or influenced by ¨globalism¨. Yet sometimes I have to sigh at certain people´s ability to push responsibility over on other people when they clearly did not plan the most important features of their trip. Sure some things are not really necessary to plan and in many ways that is what makes a journey an adventure. Yet transport , flights and a place to stay etc. are kind of a must to plan if you ask me. 

Not too long ago a Swiss lady pushed her head into our kitchen at the diner ,  she asked how much a ferry would cost from Utne. I told her she should call the number stated on the board outside since I had no clue and urged her to ask tourist information if this did not work. After all I was just helping in the kitchen of a bar which has nothing to do with ferry times. The lady did not take no for an answer and pushed her annoying self into my space and insisted she needed the price. I repeated myself when one of my male colleagues got annoyed and asked her kindly to step out of the kitchen area and that she needed to call the number on the ferry board and he emphasised we were not the tourist information. I had to giggle to myself while prepping the garlic dressings, because the kitchen staff can be very blunt compared to me and sometimes it turns out a good thing.

    Photo by: Me- ODDA and it's surrounding mountains in all it's glory :)

Tourism is good for Odda and most times I choose to think people would wanna know which kind of country they are going to and what to watch out for. Might be I am a bit bitchy when it comes to helplessness. Maybe that is due to my strong belief in evolution or just the fact that such helplessness picks away at my patience. It might just be my personal preference to feel independent and not feel helpless in these situations. Even so, this world does not favour helplessness so some people should just toughen up and plan more from where I am standing ;) Welcome to Norway peeps, the land of the Vikings the land of kind but though people:P

xx Viking