Amsterdam where the ¨sinners¨ and expats go....

Hey peeps,

It is almost Christmas, the time of year most of us love yet for those who know me I prefer Easter. Less pressure to be someone else then yourself in Easter and I like that. 

For most of you who know me you know Amsterdam might not be my favourite place to live yet there are things about this city that brings me back every time. For a starter I have friends there and it is close as well and there is a vibe in Amsterdam that I have yet to find anywhere else. Openness and opportunity and let us not forget beauty between the red light district and the scruffy coffee shops. The beauty is subjective of course, but to me it is that I can be myself there without any expectation to be different and the history that is connected to every street there. You can literately walk through the streets that Rembrant walked and see buildings that were still there back in the day. In those moments all the loud tourists disappear and I see moments in history instead as I listen to my music and just watch.

Another thing about this vibrant city are the quiet streets where the tourists do not come. It is where you walk past big royal looking windows in the dark and see a family that are eating dinner just like that on display. You see lovers strolling down the street hand in hand in the mere purity of silence both smiling. You see shades and lights dance across the canals whilst the scent of numerous restaurants blend with all the impressions. I watch, I see and let it play with my mind and then I let go. To me these strolls create an artwork only I can see and feel . And on a night I do not feel like getting inspired or reminded what and who I met with a year ago in these streets I put on a descent outfit and go out dancing the night away at Rembrandtplein or Leideseplein. The best way to get out of a rut is to dance until your feet hurt and then head home.

Yet every time I go to Amsterdam is different, nothing ever plays out the same and that is one of the many things I like about it. One time you might go for the art, the music, the historical parts, the rave or meet with friends, these are just some of the many different reasons to go there. Though I probably would not like to live there again due to the busy nature of the city I do like to keep it close as a reminder that no matter what people say or do it is ok to just be me with all the good and bad baggage I come with. They call it the city of sinners and maybe they are right, but I am just an expat chasing moments that make me happy and if that is a sin then so be it;)

  Amsterdam December 2015

x Viking

Christmas lights in Utrecht

Hello there peeps,

So I thought it was time to write about one of my spontaneous Sundays. It made a nice change up against recent emotional events to do something like this again.

I woke up Sunday feeling rather out of it, a restless feel was combined with a tiredness I had not felt in a while. So I started writing and then a friend texted me as it happens sometimes. He asked me if I wanted to go to Utrecht a bit later that very same day and suddenly I felt my tired face fold out in a smile. Come to think of it the weather was kind of awesome and Utrecht is very beautiful dressed in Christmas lights. This was exactly what I needed! So I quickly splashed some water in my face, exchanged my much beloved comfy PJ´s with some decent clothes and turned my nose in the direction of Utrecht central. As per usual I was a bit late as I have been since I arrived in the Netherlands 5 years ago (God it has been long!)

I jumped on the train to Amsterdam Central and continued my journey from there to Utrecht. When I arrived in the new station I felt a slight disorientation and not to mention I was overwhelmed by the masses of people. Strangely, I had forgotten how busy it gets around Christmas. Memories of when I first moved here came flowing and it felt like yesterday that I first arrived there with my ex 5 years ago. Since then so much has happened and now and then I wonder what would have happened if we never would have met. I certainly would not have been in the Netherlands, who knows if I would have stayed in the UK or not? Nostalgia sometimes gets the better of me when I go back to Utrecht. I think of the friends I made there and the friends I lost when shit hit the fan.

After a bit of orientation in the masses I found my friend and we headed for ¨de Binnenstad¨ (the centre) where we found the canals and the trees covered with lights. It felt very special to be there again and people were in a good mood. The atmosphere around Oudegracht was relaxed compared to the station and I could feel my chest slowly letting go of the built up tension I had felt the last few months. Though the nostalgia did distract me at times I still utterly enjoyed strolling through the streets looking at my friend getting excited about the lights and snapping pictures of it. As I was watching him do so it just felt like deja vu from 5 years before. Just swap out the photographer with a taller and more slender model and it would have had looked a bit like the young and naive couple who arrived in Utrecht 5 years ago without any clue how they would end up. 

After a bit of picture snapping we headed for some wine and coffee. Cafe de Zaak is a nice place where they serve quite ok wine and coffee is good too. As my friend was babbling about his new job I was quiet, letting the atmosphere of the city just take me back in time and for the first time since I left I let it be ok to do so. Knowing this might be my last year in NL is making me soft I think and certain things are easier to accept than others. As I was looking at the local rebel kids dancing to hip hop music and getting high outside the county council house and registering the older drug addict asking for 50cent my mind was travelling back to moments cherished in this city years ago with friends and close ones I had back then.

After some wines we were getting funny and hungry so decided to go to El Mundo for some tapas after another city stroll and Instagram moments. It was a giggle to see the face of my friend who is a Spanish Enthusiast when we stopped outside the tapas bar. Some people have this natural way of getting so happy for these little things, it makes me smile every time. As we walked into El Mundo another memory flashed through my mind making me smile. I remember my ex getting hit on by one of the male bartenders on our first date in Utrecht over here. I chuckled into thin air as the scent of Spanish food started invading my nostrils and I heard the door close behind me. Just like 5 years ago the bar is full and very warm, it almost feels like a bee hive but with people. There is a buzzing as people are talking enthusiastically over their wine and food and they are relaxing because it is almost Christmas and if everything is not sorted yet then ¨fuck it!¨...was the general feel of the crowd. My face is one big smile and I realize somehow I feel like the old lady who is watching other people do the same that she did years ago.

Of course we have to wait at the bar until there are seats free, then we order some very tasty tapas and more wine. From there the nostalgia fades and I paid more attention to the present as is the polite thing to do. I would not like to be rude after all, because it is not everyday a Dutch person invites me to be spontaneous! ;)

After the food it was already late and time to head home and considering I had not had a good night sleep in weeks and I was finally relaxed enough to get some it was back to Haarlem for me.

Utrecht will always hold a special place for me, maybe one day I move back though I am not sure....heck I am not even sure if I can stay in NL, but one thing I do know is that life will happen no matter where I am. And sometimes the unexpected turn will change your life so much and make you end up in places with people you might not have met otherwise. So let´s see what the new year will bring, I hope I can stay and if not then I will just have to take it as it comes.

                                             Utrecht a few years back.

Until next time peeps,

XViking

Honesty

Hello peeps,

It is strange isn´t it ? How one single sentence can change how you see something or how you feel. For months now I have been wrecking my brain to understand something that happened after summer break. I lost weight, felt horrible about life for the longest time trying to understand the whole ordeal and the people involved. So odd that I could not let go and move on, strange how depressed I felt for all this time just because this one decision someone made had felt like a waste.

Well today I got freed from my emotional hell and I knew it would change me but had no clue it would make me feel so relieved. Have you ever had that? Something nagging your brain to the point where it feels like bloody torture, people not being honest to you for ages and then finally you get that little piece of information you need to let it all go. From now on, I am a free Viking and I will leave the past in the past and forget this silly time I spent thinking way too much about some moment in my life where things were nothing but a lie.

No matter what happened to me I think that people who really care about me should respect me enough to be honest. Today  I finally got that honesty served so I could make my own choice and decide what to do with the truth that was given to me.

I have been served and though it hurt it was like ripping off a bandage, if only it had been done quickly in the first place I would have felt better much sooner. Let the new year come, I am so ready to start over :)

x tired Viking

Focus

Hi all,

It has been another long wait for another post here on blogger. I kind of lost my motivation to do a lot of things this year. Trying to balance all the stuff that I had to deal with both emotionally and in terms of work and writing. I shall not lie and say I am having an easy time, though sometimes I wish I could. Because most people just want to hear that you are doing well and that you are great. 

The cure? Well I have none other than trying to keep my mind busy with seeing new places in NL and meeting people that make me forget. But truth is, I lost so much this year that I am not sure how to feel completely okay again. I guess there is no other way than to take one day at the time (cliché yes, I know!). This year I have felt the pressure to be flawless and perfect more than once and to shut down my emotions, but for what ever reason the more I try to hide who I really am with flaws and all it just makes me painstakingly aware how imperfect I really am. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel like I am good enough. I have been on this planet for almost 29 years now and I can not remember a single day of feeling good enough for myself. Sure there have been people in my life that have made me feel good and happy, but deep down I am my own worst critic and oh how I wish this part of me could be deleted forever.

Anyway, I am getting too personal again when I should just tell you what I have been up to the last few weeks except feeling sorry for myself. So the last 2 weeks I had flu off and on, but between the fever rushes and feeling slightly better I went to this awesome street-art exhibition at Prinsengracht. I went with some Scandinavian friends and I am so glad I did, it was very inspiring to go there and the colours were amazing! 

This was just one of the many wonderful pieces we got to see.

Furthermore I have been to Amsterdam a fair bit catching up with old friends as I will do today as well. There is a light festival going on there right now which I will also go see next week I think with friends. Living in Haarlem makes for a really easy travel to Amsterdam so very happy with my location at the moment as it keeps me from just staying inside all day.

Other than Amsterdam I have been going a fair bit to Utrecht as well as Amersfoort to an artsy friend of mine since we did not see each other for quite some time this year. So in a sense I should not complain at all about life, I am blessed with good friends and lots of them seem to care about me. I am glad I have them in my life right now, because I have the feeling I will need them the coming time more than ever. 

Right now the goal is to regain focus of my life and not get distracted by inconvenient emotional attachments. I also want to focus more on my family, the part of it which is mending after all these years and it is finally becoming an important part of my life. Ideally I would like to stay in NL, it became my home for what ever reason and 2016 will let me see whether or not this will be possible. 

Too much has happened and maybe it is fair enough to throw in the towel and go back to Norway if it is going to be this difficult to find a job....but for whatever reason I want to stay. It simply feels right here. It must be the brilliant friends I have. I feel truly lucky to have met so many friendly and inspirational people on my journey. 

The thing about the Netherlands is; no matter if people are too direct sometimes because at least you can be yourself. If you ¨hit a curve¨ people will ask you about it and they will expect an honest answer. If you are down your real friends might tell you how they would rather see you deal with it BUT they will also let you know how important you are to them. I have lost many friends through the years, most of it was probably my own fault or a mere lack of keeping in touch when we needed each other the most.

People of the Netherlands are known to be quite open minded and after so many years abroad it feels like the only place I can be myself. In Norway, I will always be the Viking that had strong opinions, the complicated lass and the one that had a troubled childhood. Dreams and ambitions are not bad words in this country, as I have mentioned before you are praised to be ambitious and to strive to be better. No jantelaw here you guys ;)

Focus is difficult right now, but I will have to try so wish me luck.

xo

Viking

New times and new skin

Hola peeps!

Not sure where to start, it has been too long and I am currently busy writing other stuff than my blog. It is funny how a whole lot of shit can inspire a soul to write. Somehow being a restless someone also pushes me to keep busy and to move forward though difficult at times.

Then again I am not the only soul with issues and just THAT I am very well aware of, With that being said I am determined to nip my own shit in the bud and turn it into something positive. Yes sometimes I have bad times like anyone, but why should I try to hide it all the time and pretend my life is perfect? Because life is not about being perfect for everyone. It is about making the most out of the moments you are given and finding the positive in your situation. For me writing helps and I have chosen not to make myself a victim of silence nor circumstance. For people who really have not got a life and wish to see me fail?  I prefer walking away and waving to those people and wish them well on their own journey. I have had to wave my fair share these last few months. I guess what is difficult for me is to understand are those people perhaps, why would you spend your energy on another person like that? Is my life really that interesting and if you do not like me then why spend the energy on me? Analyzing it is of no purpose I suppose, but it does make me wonder I will not lie.

The point is not who I waved to, since the purpose of my blog is something completely different. People might think it is about me and my life, but for me that is just the surface. My blog is about learning from my mistakes or to find some light and company in my experiences, maybe find travel inspiration if that helps you or the courage to be more open about your own problems to the people you need to be. We fool no one with our masks of perfection which has become a thing the last decades and especially after the selfies came into play. This angle and that angle, these exercises and those rustic views to happiness.... 

Happiness comes from within and perfection is nothing but a very sad illusion to me. For I have lost friends and family to this illusion, either by death or just by egocentric and self-destructive behavior and I am sorry if that sounds too obstructed but it is the best way I can describe it unless I say that they have joined the dark side.  It can sometimes be scary to see that happen in front of you, in fact it is bloody scary! My biggest fear these days is to become a victim to this illusion as opposed to before or to see my closest succumb to it. In my opinion, PERFECTION is the term that kills young people in this generation, especially in the western-world where our biggest problem seems to be acquiring more money to spend on our looks or addictions.

Positive thinking is not to be positive always, but it is the ability to turn the negative in our lives to our advantage. Sometimes we fall and we get tougher skin from it, sometimes I am scared I will get too tough but oh well... ;) We are as tough as we need to be, and your friends and I by that I mean the real ones...these friends will help you when being though seems almost impossible. I sure owe mine everything :)

It might seem like it is easy, but those of you that know me well, you know that my journey has been long and hard and I am only 28, not even half of my life...so still lots of years left to try and fail.

xViking

Changes for the Viking...

Dear readers,

I have not been writing too much lately. A lot of things are happening at this moment in time (yeah I know...what else is new ...right). Yes I like adventure and that new things happen around me, but at the moment I wish my life would calm down and be stable if nothing else then at least on the work front. Unfortunately this is not the case anymore, so again I am searching for a job and arranging things and doing my best to sort out my currently messy life (did I say how much I dislike mess?!). Starting to wonder if there is even anything close to stable when it comes to my life. Things are changing all the time, the only good thing is that guess I am used to it, though I wish I was not. Used to turbulence and unpredictable outcomes and that my gut feeling is never wrong no matter what people around me say ( it just is always right). Primal instinct I assume is the one thing that has never let me down.

People ask me why I am so calm about the whole ordeal and why I am not acting or looking stressed and I guess I hide it well but of course I am stressed. I guess I just do not see the point in panicking about these things anymore since I know too well it will do nothing for me. This is typical of my life really. Not being able to count on anyone or trust any situation is the tiring part, yet the stressful situation is to know I am loosing faith in the core wish I have in life. To just one day manage on my own without anyone to lean on or count on. Still there is a stubborn Viking voice within telling me I damb well will make it on my own! I will get were I want by persisting, being honest, true to myself and maybe now is the time to write that book I have been working on. The other part of me feel small and insignificant in this world that at times just seem too big and way way waaaay to populated for me to make any difference. I question my purpose in life as it seems to have drifted into nothingness, but that might be just current disappointment in the way things have played out the last few months/years. SO despite that depressing line right there I am thinking there is hope, and there are possibilities and that change might be good for me and that maybe just maybe I have learned something about myself from this process.

What I have learned? To not let other peoples insecurity, anger or perception affect who I am striving to become and who I am. Now I got a more explicit impression of what my own opinions are and who I want to be and I definitely know how I DON´T want to be.

I am glad I got the chance to meet awesome people in my current job. Some of them have made me smile on days I had no energy left to smile. Some of them have inspired me to show courage, to be more determined and assertive in situations were I normally would throw in the towel. Some of them have made me feel like I deserve to be happy in life when it comes to all aspects of it. I have found friends in people I thought I would never become friends with and I have learned so much stuff about darn software and connectivity that I would never had looked into if it was not for this job (weehuuu for that last fact;)

What I need now is to focus my energy back to the ¨drawing board¨. Figure out where and what next.....find strength in the chaos and prove to myself I was not born a Viking for nothing ;)

x Viking ;)

    (IGN : 2015)

Hidden Heroes

Dear Readers,

Today I would like to write about something slightly different than I normally do. It is not so much about cultural differences but more about cultural similarities or more accurate...about humans. Somehow I ended up in conversations today that all kind of revolved around how you ¨see¨ people and then how you truly see them once you get to know them better.

People you work with though smiling from ear to ear or being strong headed and at times stubborn, they are all people with stories. People you meet for the first time with awesome personalities or not so awesome personalities. They all have a story, a life line already lived. Some people choose to laugh about their issues whilst others hide them. Some are silent in their suffering and some are more open and others...well others they shout. There is no right or wrong way, just the rippling effect of words and actions on the world around us, the repercussions of our actions. What one chooses to share and the things we chose to hide deep within. Feelings, memories and bad decisions ....all too easy not to talk about unless in a situations were we can laugh about them together because we had similar experiences which makes us ¨more normal¨ in the eyes of the masses.

Every person I ever met has had hard times in their life. Young and old it does not matter, they all have been through something who made their character what it is today. What fascinates me so much about people is how some might have pretty much the same upbringing and then still end up so very different as they leave their home. I admire people who are strong and kind despite their struggles in life and people who stand their ground despite having had the ground crumbling beneath their feet more than once. People who can understand other peoples views, opinions and actions despite not being met with the same understanding themselves. I almost envy their perseverance and consistency as I do not have it in times when I wish to possess such ¨superpowers.

I know people who have been raped, beaten, abused in horrible ways, seen family get killed or worse in front of them, I know people who live or have lived with addictions, constant pain or illness yet still they smile every-time I meet them. And then they ask me how I am doing (of all people!). My life is really not that interesting! I know people from all kinds of cultures and they all have been through a lot. More than I could ever fathom. These kind of people who are my heroes everyday as they smile to the world and by just being an inspiration for me become a better person.

People leave tracks on my soul, whether is in good or bad ways. They are all carved into me one way or the other. Not sure how to explain that in any other way, but I wish that my emotions did not always get the best of me honestly. If I was more like my inspirations in my everyday then I know things might have been different. Everyday I work on myself, yet I have a long way to go before I can really look at myself and think...yes I am proud of myself. It will come I hope, but looking around me at people I think I have such a long way to go.

Sleep tight peeps! 

xX Viking! 

Delft

Hi Peeps,

This weekend has been busy and keeps me busy though I can feel the flu creeping into my throat, head and nose. Flatmate has it so I guess I am next right. Anyway enough about that, I went traveling this weekend. Went to Delft and today I am heading to Amsterdam to meet up with a friend. 

This time in Delft I really got to see the city center and wow it is old, classic and beautiful! The old church 'Oude Jan' is pretty impressive with the tower leaning to one side just like the leaning tower of Pisa except it is not that famous though definitely worth seeing.  Though I went to Delft before it was mostly the new station and a neighborhood I saw. This time a friend of mine showed me the city center and told me what places was worth visiting. Willem van Oranje used to live there and he also got assassinated there in his home. An important Dutch guy from the history books you better look up ;) 

You see Willem helped fight off the Spanish king an his army back in the 1500-1600ś and he was later named Willem the Prince of Orange. He was the leader of the revolt and for the Dutch the reason why they are neither Spanish nor too Catholic anymore. It was gastly business to be a believer of any other faith than Catholicism before Willem helped to fight off the Spanish king and give people the freedom they clearly needed and wanted. There were public beheadings of Calvinistic people and their leaders, no freedom of faith as they would say in English before the Prince of Orange started fighting off the Catholic regime. There are books just dedicated to Willem Prince of Orange and it is a very interesting and cool story to read about so no joke that you should read about it! 

Anyway Willem moved to Delft in 1572 and made the Prince's Court over there as it was the safest city of the the Netherlands at the time with a good defense. His royal successors are buried in Delft as well in Nieuwe kerk. I found it very interesting to learn and as I was strolling up the street towards the place where he was put to rest the world stood still and I was alone with the history of the place for a moment. I pictured how it must have been like standing in that exact place more than 500 years ago and how dangerous the world was back then. Leaning on the bricks that protected the royal family back when royals still fought for their people and their country the way the young the young heroes must have done back then just took me back in time for a little moment. 

After the history lesson I went out in Delft and I was surprised how much fun that was. They really have a night life over there. Most of the bars seem to be named after a church or a Willem of Orange but despite that it is remarkable lots of places you can go to get nice drinks and grounded locals to chat with. Service was really good as well, I never had to wait long like I would in Utrecht or Amsterdam, the waitress or bartender was quick and very polite and lets not forget friendly.  For anyone with a nose for history and that likes to travel around the Netherlands then go to Delft and really take a historical tour through the streets. Totally distracted me from the worries of the world and sucked me into the world of history and gore for a while. Definitely need to go again, yet I had someone recommend some cities in Belgium yesterday. Was told if I liked Delft there are some places in Belgium that can even top that. I know someone i Belgium that I was thinking of visiting anyway so maybe this not such a bad idea after all. It is a plan in the making in any case.

More traveling awaits the Viking and I can not wait to write about it!

x Viking

Willem van Oranje (Google)

Dreaming of Destinations

Dear Readers,

Autumn has recently grabbed a hold of the Netherlands and it seems so long ago since summer passed already. Almost like it never happened.... 

This week has been fully booked again. Traveling around NL this weekend to meet with friends I have not seen in a while. Slowly things are getting back to normal over here and I can breathe and look ahead. Next week is already filling up and so I guess I will see very little of home that week as well. Today I came across an article about a library in Prague which I really would love to visit! It is called the Klementium Libary and it is the perfect excuse to book a weekend in Prague for January.

    Sean Yab (via Pulptastic, 2015): Klementium Libary

Wednesday I had a meeting with my landlord after work which needed to be done since the house is like a sinking boat in terms of leaks. It went better than expected, the owner even brought us flowers and was really friendly. The real-estate guy seemed happy about the meeting as well. I think I am slowly getting the hang of the Dutch directness finally ! I just hope I will not become rude in the process hahaha but I think my Norwegian friends already find me a rather blunt little lass after more than 4 years with Dutch influence. Yet being direct is maybe a better approach for me in the long run. That way nothing is left unsaid and though the truth is not always comfortable to be confronted with it might just be a better approach for me.

The cold air and darker days somewhat hardens me. It brings a kind toughness with it to prepare you for winter and an urge to take flight across the boarders. In my hometown Odda I grew up between towering mountains, biting winds in an industrial city. People there were hard workers and they still are. I remember how it felt living there, how you seek shelter within yourself and prepare for the weather by covering up and getting on with things. You are more humble because you realize how insignificant you are in this world. I kind of sit with the same feeling now. Prepping myself for what's to come, within I find that quiet place again that no one can touch or reach and somehow I know I will be ok. I was speaking to my friend Jo about it the other day. Despite everything the last few years and especially recently when the worst has passed I get the feeling that things will be ok for me. 

I might go to London in December or just somewhere in Europe in January, though I am not sure. I all depends what happens with work. A lot is up in the air so I dare not to hope or plan too much, but I can feel the craving for adventure from deep within turning my nose to other destinations. I know for sure that I want to go travel for my birthday i January, far far away .

Dreaming of new places is always exciting. Crossing my fingers there will be good tickets for sale soon !

xxViking

The Rain

It is raining outside again. Somehow it slows the world down a bit, just enough for me to kind of keep up with it all. At least enough to follow it and to think for a moment on myself. It is ironic how the rain used to make me feel restless and how I did not appreciate the silence it left behind. I was high wired to the busy life and to please everyone. Looking back now I feel foolish because this moment in time as the sky is granting me silence and time to feel the exhaustion of all events and wear-outs and it is ok to just think of me for once. To think of my next step forward again and to build my own ¨castle¨, my own future.

To be honest I always saw myself with someone to share life with before. To share the good and bad, the heavy and the light. Pure moments in the sunshine along one of Europe's streets laughing together with a special someone, a partner in crime that would cherish that moment with me. On rainy days like this when I look out the window and have time to reflect I know a part of my mind will always want that still, yet I think it was not meant for me. There are other ways of sharing moments, there are other ways to feel complete and my new quest will be looking for those and live those. I am done with the hopeless fantasy. I will try to find happiness elsewhere, to find self-worth again but not in that kind you find when someone else makes you feel special because if that is all I have then it will only lead to painful endings. We all do it more or less as it is natural to want to share life with another person as it should be. It is just very bad for you if that person becomes your universe and pretty much makes or breaks your day. Once it crashes, everything will come crashing down. Of course I have been through this before, but I guess the 3rd time was a charm because I am not going to have another one! One is never too old to learn from ones own mistakes. Though I do not regret much, I do regret getting lost into someone else, I regret not holding myself back more because it would have soften the fall.

In any case, blame is what it is...an ugly word and in Norway we say. What is done is done. My new quest for the good things in life starts now. And I will do it on my own from here on. Sitting in the window with my laptop looking at the wind blowing through the green crowns of the trees outside and noticing the droplets of water drawing patterns on the window is a start. Feeling how it calms me down and lets the pressure in the stomach and head out a little bit. This European adventure is just starting.....though with some hesitant steps I will manage.

xViking

Utrecht

Hello Readers,

So yesterday I went to Utrecht. It was nice, Jessie and I had a slumber party.It is always weird to be back in a place were I spent 3 years of my life. The city is also changing so rapidly due to the rebuilding of the station and area around. It looks nicer every time and far grander compared to when I lived there.

The day was sunny yet grey. The clouds were threatening to bring cold rain with them but in the end it was mostly sunny. As I let my feet dance down the stairs in a rapid rhythm memories popped back into my head from a distant past. It dawned on me that this is how Leiden will feel like whenever I go there. Like a distant memory pressed into the back of my brain where it is stored and feels like it was not my life. Maybe that is for the better anyway? Not sure, but it is how my mind works itś magic I think.

Yesterday I arrived at the station in Utrecht and got picked up by my friend and we went to do some shopping, before heading to Oog en Al where she lives. We watched a movie that froze half-way through and so each of us had a bottle of wine. I have no clue how that happened but it did and we could laugh at our sorrows and the world. This morning we had to laugh again as we were quite a funny bunch yesterday with our deep conversations and our stories to tell about things that had gone good in life and things that had gone down the shithole. As we sat there chatting away the sky opened up and the chilly rain dressed the concrete below. Somehow it felt like a lullaby and I soon after fell into a deep sleep. No dreams, no nightmares, no emotion. There was just the sounds of rain covering the ground gently with it's water-coat.

It is nice to spend time with people again. People who speak their mind and never cover up their true emotion. As I get older, I realize I wish I was more like that and that more people would be like this. I am convinced that would be a better way to live. However, I guess we live in a world dominated with egocentric views and actions and if you want to get anywhere or prevent getting hurt then put a lid on things and get on with it. Harsh as it might seem it is very often what I see and I admit I am also no angel when it comes to this. I just wish it was different, especially now that is all and it is refreshing to be around people who are so kind and and put others before themselves. I guess Utrecht is a place I will always come back to in order to meet friends and the city has certainly not gotten ugly since I was gone. Yet it will always have more nostalgic atmosphere about it after what happened and though strange it was good to be back for a bit.

x Viking

Moving on

Dear Readers,

It has been a while and it has been a very difficult time. Though I am still trying to figure out how to get out of this shitty place I am in at the moment things are if nothing else getting more busy. Some days I still feel lost, but at least there are friends close by to offer an ear or a hug when days slow down and my brain goes into overdrive.

Coming to terms with the fact that someone simply does not love you when you loved them a whole lot is hard. Especially when most of your life this has been what people have been telling you. Trusting someone is difficult anyway. I usually am keeping people at a safe distance emotionally because I learned that disappointment often goes hand in hand with trusting someone anyhow. I guess for once I wanted to do things differently and went inn with an open heart. It was my own fault, my own stupid mistake. Yet you live and you learn and this will not make me hate anyone in my life, just more cautious with people I meet in the future. More aware that everything you put effort and emotion into could disappear in a split second.

Sometimes I want to give up and really bad. I hate myself more than anything for that, for silly emotions that take over and puts my brain into this overdrive whilst my body moves and reacts so slow. The mind and emotions are weird connections that sometimes just refuse to cooperate when things go wrong.

I know everything will be alright and that emotional dismay will pass. I know the trees and sky will look green and blue again but I need time. This lady needs time to find back to the strong woman she used to be and I need to stand my ground despite what others think of me. For me that is a huge challenge and unfortunately I am more prone to run away from my problems when it gets really difficult rather then face them. In moments when I really need support I will turn away and hide as I do not want people to see the weaknesses, the sad and the broken Annie. Yet I share, I share too much for my own liking, it is usually fear driven though. When I say I am afraid of what will happen to me it is a genuine fear that I have seen come true many times before my eyes.

For now I find keeping busy and meeting with good friends and new people is probably the best way to find my way back to where I need to be. They are welcome distractions for my brain.  Back to basics it is, back to basics. Hopefully it will not take too long to see life in colors again and to feel good.

xViking

Missing home

It is an odd thing, how busy people seem to be all of the sudden. At the moment the world is spinning fast whilst I am in slow motion. Focus is utterly gone and so are the colors. Now you might wonder what the heck I am on about if you do not know me so well.

Let me explain. You see, certain people have the ability to make you feel good about things, places, music and even the very food you put into your mouth. You might hear Tyler Swift once alone and think...wow what a bad song and then the next time you hear it you are with a funny energetic person in the right moment and the song becomes your fun memory together. The same goes for a place. It might seem fun and colorful and interesting  in the moment when you are with the right person because he or she makes you see the place in a light you did not see it before. Your eyes feel wider and all the colous and nuances are with you in that memory forever.

At this moment, I miss my family back home very much. Things are not going so well for me and I feel a bit ¨lost¨ in this world. On Friday I went to a party held by my employer. It was a huge thing and everyone were smiling and there was free alcohol, people were in a good mood, food and entrance at the venue which happened to be one of my favorite beach clubs 'Bloomingdale' in Bloemendaal aan Zee. It was supposed to be a happy evening, it was supposed to be filled with amazing colors. But my mind is grey, flat and boring without stimuli, without that one person. Are break-ups supposed to hurt this much?  I wonder if I will ever feel excited about traveling or seeing new places again or about life for that matter. Everything is just sad and grey and painful now.

People say it will pass, like it did with others that left, people say it was short but for me the time did not feel short but true and deep. If this is love, then I do not want to feel again because nothing has colors anymore, nothing excites me and it hurts so much I beg for the pain to end at night. I have lost people before, too many times just nothing compares though and it scares me I did not see this coming  I had no idea....

For now I will stop blogging and facebook for a while, not sure if I will start it up again.

x Viking

Norway 2015

Hi there,

As many of you figured I have been quite busy the last few weeks. With many things going on here and there it has been hard to sit down and tap down some words.

First it was our trip to Norway which I thought was utterly amazing. Norway never seemed more beautiful than this summer. First went to Odda by rental-car (challenge no.1 figure out the GPS!), in the end everything went well and after a while my eyes saw familiar apple farms and houses in the distance. The small place called Hovland along the fjord where I used to swim every summer with my brothers and sisters. Then further in the small town centre of Odda were a lot of things had changed since I was there last. It was like the city was renewed and it made it feel special. My dad and granddad greeted us as we arrived. Nothing feels better than grandad's hugs and seeing my dad was great. I had not seen them in 4 years so it was time. My family had planned a lot of things especially for our arrival, it was nice that we were all on holiday so we could do stuff together. My dad and my youngest brother and nephew took us for a walk along the touristy yet impressive Låtefoss along the narrow mountain road from Odda towards Røldal. My grandad also came along for this trip and the 6 of us had a nice time. One of the other days we went to Buer and hiked up the to the mountaintop above Buer Valley where folk tend to keep their livestock and mountain cottages. We had the breathtaking view to the Buer glacier and Folgefonna the 4 of us. It was really nice doing this hike and I was pleased to see my dad and youngest brother Espen hiking and climbing with us. All of us seemed to enjoy it. The air in the mountain is thin, sharp and cold and so so fresh compared to the city air in the Netherlands that my lungs certainly had to adjust. When in Odda we also met my nieces and nephew! My sister Rachel had the coffee ready as we came by see how they were doing and how much the little ones grew! I sat there for ages just hugging them and playing board games while hearing the latest news on their front. It was nice and I already miss them.

After meeting with my sister and her family we went to eat with my grandparents place. They made typical Norwegian food and later there were coffee of course. I would do almost anything right now to be with them. Somehow my grandparents have this gift of making me feel good when I am having a difficult time. More than once they helped me out of trouble, I would be clueless without them.

Anyhow, after about 6 days in Odda we went to Florø to see Ruby. Going by sea was a great idea as it gave time to see some of Bergen before heading off to our next destination. By sea you also see Norway from a different angle and best of all , there are no narrow roads or tunnels!  Florø is a small city but really more like a village kept alive by the oil industry and ship-repair factory over there and to some degree the fishing industry. This makes it a very calm and picturesque place to live. The best thing about it is that this is where my best friend lives really and it was really good to see her and her bf again. After a few days there it was time to travel to Bergen. My time there was just as amazing as I had pictured it to be and I will probably never have such a good time in that city again. First day was spent exploring the city centre and eating typical Norwegian food! Bryggen and Fløybanen were some of the highlights. I also really loved the hotel Scandic Ørnen, yet it would have all been boring without someone to share it with.

I also got to meet a friend from my time at Voss. It was 12 years since I last met Torill, probably just as long since I was in Bergen long enough to meet anyone. It was nice, we had some coffee  and a walk down memory lane. It is nice to see what people are doing after all these years as well.

It was a great trip that will stay imprinted in my memory forever. I have been to these places so many times without feeling so great about a trip. It just comes to show that the special part is who you are with, not where you are going or where you have been.

xViking

Summer storms

Hello there,

The last 2 weeks I have been lucky. Though tough times too around mid July I was lucky and got to spend it with my lovely bf and his family in Rijssen. One easily gets distracted when things are going on in the background, but this lovely place always has such a lovely effect on me that it should come on prescription.

Rijssen is a small town/city in the east of the Netherlands in the Dutch province of Overijssel.  The people there are very polite (at least the ones I met!) and warm. Though people might first identify this town as conservative in both religion and ways of life this is not why I love it. When you arrive your lungs get surprised by the mere freshness of breath you can draw there. The green fields burn on the cornea when weather is nice. The scent of grass after rain has passed and the sun is drying it again. The Charolais grassing on pastures and strolling towards you as you stroll along the fence. The smell of lazy horses and all the dogs in the windows makes me feel home. Even better are the hugs that await me as I arrive :) So far I have only met kind people there and it is a wonderful place to find some inner peace when needed. Some parts remind me of a place I used to live long long ago. It does not feel like it was me anymore, but the back of my mind knows it happened.

I used to know very few people from the East of the Netherlands and now I know what I have been missing for all these years. Friendly, laid back, hard-working people with a heart for family.

This week and weekend that just passed was also filled with events. Monday we celebrated the birthday of a lovely lady in Amsterdam south. Also met some people I did not know before. It was pretty great, though getting tipsy on a Monday was certainly not planned on my behalf hhehehe but survived the Tuesday when another day at the office awaited me. Thursday I met with an old friend that I know from my first year in the Netherlands. He lives in Canada now with a sweet wife. We went to Haarlem center, but I was too tired to drink any alcohol and  work was crazy busy the other week. So we stuck to coffee etc.

Then Friday was spent in Alsmeer on a team outing. We were so lucky with the weather and we could enjoy numerous glasses of wine whilst on the boat as well as tasty food! It was a good day and nice to see my colleagues smiling from ear to ear and relaxing. After a crazy busy week I think it was just what we needed.

Then Saturday I met with another old friend from a previous job. Little did we know it would be the most heavy storm in july since 1901! For once I did not listen to the radio nor read the weather forecast and missed the warnings that said DO NOT GO OUT UNLESS COMPLETELY necessary! Yvette and I got soaked and lets not forget  I bought an umbrella for 12 euro and it broke within minutes of purchase! Though being absolutely drenched it was great fun hanging (or should I say flying?) out again. It was an adventures with all the trees falling over but we survived!! Later that day Erik also popped by after hours of being stuck in different stations with train issues due to the storm. I made some soup (yes I attempted to cook!) since it seemed appropriate considering the weather was so bad.

Sunday Erik and I met with Jessie and Paul. 2 lovely people I also happen to know via work relations from the past.We went to ¨deJoopenkerk" and later ¨ThrillGrill¨ and both were lovely. deJoopenkerk was busy as always in Haarlem and ThrillGrill was not too quiet either. I had a tasty veggie Thriller and shared fries with th others (like a lady should heheh). DeJoopenkerk is brewery that used to be a church but got converted to something more useful later on. Haarlem has a lot of nice places to eat and drink! Next time I think we ought to try the Indian Palace. A friend of mine recommended it and I dare say he has good taste. Anyway, this has been a week of meeting friends before I go to Norway Friday. Erik and I are both prepping for take-off.

I will try to make as many pictures as possible but I am not the best at doing that so hopefully I will not forget.

For now I will just let my mind and body immerse in good moments as I get a feeling I will need that to hold onto the coming months.

Until after my holiday peeps!

x Viking

Heat waves and summer memories

Hi there,

It has been a little while since my last blog-post. I have been lacking inspiration despite the heat and nice things around me I just couldn't get myself to write. Something has been lurking in the back of my mind since a few days ago. I feel too far away from my brother and sister and lovely aunt. To be abroad has so many nice sides to it but when someone gets married, gets a baby or dies it is horrible not to be able to just take off and hug them. I feel powerless and try to not let it get to me, because in the end of the day I am not a victim I choose to live abroad. As is normal though I wish I could be there with them right now.

The last few days although emotional and slightly confusing has been nice as well. Luckily I have a very nice flatmate who is easy to talk to and a boyfriend that is there for me as well. Although that does not take away the feeling of being powerless it does distract the mind which is a blessing at times. On Monday I went to Den Haag to pick up my new and even more ugly passport! The heat wave had already hit the Netherlands and the tram from the station to the embassy was boiling hot. Having had bad weather for sometime I was soaking up the sun like a lizard basking away in all the vitamin D I could take inn. 

         On the road again...

In the train I could enjoy the AirCo a bit and watch the landscape from the train rushing past me like time so often do. The great news was, the good weather stayed most of the week, and at work we even got Italian ice-cream! Then Thursday I got the bad news which shocked and stirred something uneasy deep down. The heat felt constricting all of the sudden and time stood still. I told myself it was the cycle of life happening but I would soon learn it might be less natural than I would have hoped for....

Friday my flatmate and I decided to bike away our sorrows. Off we went to Bloomendaal which is a village next to Haarlem not to far from the beach or as my sweet roommate says "the Bitch". We found a nice terrace and a glass of dry white wine and watched the sun diving down behind the ocean as it has done millions of years over and over again. We listened to the live music, a woman was playing her vocal cords along with the piano and out came the most beautiful soul and funk. It was perfect and just the kind of distraction I needed. Girls' evening on the beach. 

Bloomendaal!

Yesterday I met with Erik to go to a birthday party. French food and wine and sweet people. It was very nice and we biked through Leiden to get there. Before that though we strolled through the city and had some frappuccinoes  at #Starbucks. Later we decided to make home made cocktails which was lovely! There is nothing like fruit mixed with juice, rum and ice cubes in summer or an ice cold drink while you stroll through the cloud of heat and take in the summer.

 Today we went to a place in Leiden called de Vlietlanden. A lot of green and several lakes and life just thrives here. Birds love it, kids love it and lets not forget the bikers. And as a real "Dutch-like" woman I hopped on the bike as well. If you ever go to the Netherlands FIETS means bike and you will need to use it! When we arrived at the lake both of us did not hesitate to get into the water. Which was good too because about 30min later the wind picked up and thunder clouds were coming our way. You see after a heat-wave over here it builds up to thunderstorms. After basking ourselves dry in the sun and having the wind stroking our backs we jumped back on the bikes again and headed home. Just in time as well because as we walked into the living-room the first droplets of rain hit the windows! So what else left to do then to make a home made soya frappuchino?! 

de Vlietlanden

     Vegan Frappuchino :)

Leiden in the storm

  Leiden before the storm

See, so I can not complain. I had a good week despite everything and we did some serious biking during that time hehe! I am actually considering getting myself a racing bike at some point because it seems like fun to go for a holiday by bike at some point and it keeps me fit.

x Viking