My Inspiration and the Hunger for Knowledge

Hola,

Despite the last months of pain, there are moments of great joy as well. This weekend for example, it was amazing and I had such a colourful and lovely warm weekend with the best man I ever met. He has seen how difficult the past months have been for me and I think he just wanted to make me forget about it for a while and so Saturday I woke up to a tidy and clean house and a bf that held a tray of fresh made omelette and coffee and greens for me. Smiling and just a tad disappointed that he did not reach the bedroom with the tray before I had woken up. Because he is away for studies next week he had planned to spend as much time with me as possible. A year after we started dating I am still head over heals with this kind and gentle and smart human being. We visited my dad and youngest brother and played games and we visited my boyfriends parents as well. Eating vegetarian pizza and just chilling with family was very nice. Then today before he left we went for a walk and met up with my brother and played masterminds before my bf had to head to Bergen. 

I cannot say it enough how much I love him and keep falling more and more in love with this guy. We understand each other most of the time and when we do not we talk about it and sort things out. He is very supportive and I am learning to be more supportive as a partner as well with him. Everyday we are learning new things about the other person. I like that a lot.

After he left for Bergen I lit up the fireplace and found my study spot in the couch and started reading about foster-care pedagogic modules for next year. It was very interesting and again I got weak and ordered a book about how different cultures understand and act upon learning and problematic behaviours in children. It is on days like these that I get inspired to read and to learn more, I get focused and driven when I am in the zone. I decided yesterday already that I would spend the evening reading about next years modules and learn some basic concepts in the first and most central module. I think by next week I will look upon module nr 2.

Being with someone who reads and has a hunger for knowledge inspires me. He is the kind of person I would like to be more like. With him I feel more driven to get there and to get started on my new degree and the great thing about us is that were I am weak he is strong. And where he is weak I am strong so we help each other to become better in things we are not so good at. This is how I know this relationship is healthy and although you cannot be certain in anything in this life I dare say I hope and think this is the man I am meant to be with the rest of my life. I need a man like him in my life! So I think this was the way things were meant to happen now. I had to be crushed and see how relationships with no talking about issues or the opposite where there was only conflicts and arguments were like before I met someone who was used to talk about issues and solve them as a team. More people should be like this. Maybe we are just stupidly in love with heart-shaped pink glasses on and that is why it now seems so simple. If that is the case, I hope those glasses are glued on us for the rest of our lives! When my struggles are real, he is the one person to bring my soul joy and the one person who makes me feel like a ok humanbeing. When I am stuck, he inspires me to let my hair down and get unstuck. This is something I think I did not have in the past. But without my past I would not have learned enough to be with him and so with all the scars I have there are lessons. I am a slow learner when it comes to these things but I learn. This year has been amazing in the lines of love, learning and I am pleased to see that a lot of new knowledge is to come and stimulate my grey cells yet again next year! :D 

                                                                                                        The 2 Vikings ;)

Priority until then is to keep the pink glasses on, mend my health, work my butt off and to read a lot. Somehow I think it will come together. It will be a hard but wonderful new year and it has for sure been a very interesting year that passed. 

I am a lucky Viking :D

xo

To Stay Alive

Hola,

Strange title for a post I know and it is a rather strange thing  to have to write about. Because there are times when I feel like I have to fight systems to stay alive and to get the help and support from doctors and employers that is needed, which should just work well in the first place. To have to defend seeing a doctor or go to the hospital should never be the case, ever. Yet in very many cases this is just what happens. The employer has no right to stop you from going to get the care your body needs to survive. Equally surprising to me is the lack of effort and knowledge in the healthcare system when it comes to really get in depth information from the patient and to use all elements in the system to give the most accurate diagnosis. Personally I am feeling the effect of this system on my body and I am forced into situations where I have to take stands and press ultimatums forward when really I am so tired and in so much agony I just want to give up and crawl into a soft black hole of duvet and hugs and never speak again. It is hard to be something I am not, a pressing, overbearing and complaining someone just to get basic rights met. Everywhere there are people who think they know what is wrong with you (especially at work) but for real they do not have a clue.

Right now a lot of things are finally happening after years of trying to get the correct diagnosis and  appropriate treatment I was entitled to all along. But my health has had to dive into one heck of a hole to get there. Right now there are not only kidney pain but also possible infections and internal  issues in the uterus as a result of a stupid mirena spiral that should have been removed long ago that a doctor insisted I keep to avoid too low iron levels. The pain in my abdomen went from bad to worse after the removal of the spiral and in 24 hours I have lost so much blood that I need anti bleeding medications and several antibiotics and pain relief. In one day I spent over 100 Eur on healthcare and about 6 boxes of medication. Strangely I feel that I came a long way today because now the doctor's alarm bells finally kicked inn and many things will happen ahead. Explaining where the pain was and about the extent of the bleeding was the only thing I managed to do today, had very little energy to do much more. If am honest I also felt pretty sorry for myself sitting there pale as a ghost and in constant agony. I got sent straight to the surgeon and he will see me again at the hospital in a few days. We have to see if the medications help at all the next few days. Talking about these things may be a good thing, because talking about bleeding and genitals, period and uterus is still a stupid taboo and how it affects the rest of you maybe even more so. Getting checked for cancers and other illnesses in your reproductive systems are crucial check ups one should do no matter how embarrassed or odd you feel about it. If something is up you may get to the right specialist and the right treatment much faster.

I am not sure what to tell myself today, like I said I feel like I am battling a system that clearly does not work as effectively as I would wish and I am just trying to stay alive at the moment. Norway, the Netherlands or England... they per my current assessment seem equally rubbish to me when it comes to healthcare and being treated right at work should you be so unlucky to fall ill without any clear diagnosis over time.

And if another person tells me to be positive now I would honestly like to say shut the fuck up! This does not help me at all, right now I am going through hell and no it is not any positive aspects to such pain! People who say this just want to feel good about themselves and experience a less negative instant vibe. This is rather selfish considering their kidneys are fine and their uterus does not feel like it is being ripped out of their abdomen. I do not want to say I am sorry for my ranting right now because it is important to know that when people are in constant pain even with painkillers or very ill it does not help them to call them negative believe it or not.... strange I know ;)

Just a tip from the iron fist Viking ;)

I do hope it all goes well and right now I am just waiting for things to happen. It seems this month and the next are going to be the ones to get answers. Crossing all my fingers and toes now and hoping for the very best.

Xo

Viking

Uncertainty

Hola ,

I hope all is well with you. Right now the snow is covering the mountain tops in Odda and I am contemplating to work out a bit. Not sure if I will go jogging outside seeing the sun is shining for once. I reckon that this girl will end up on one of the training machines in the training room hehe. Maybe a stroll later on today.

Since I wrote last I went to the hospital to get a doc check why I have immense pains in my back and sides of my lower abdomen. They now suspect the same as I did the last few months, kidney stones. I will go to get a scan of my body in 20 days to see if they can find anything and destroy it. The good news is that if it is this then there are several ways to remove kidney stones and thus remove the symptoms, the bad news is that you are in agony worse than giving birth until they do so. Currently it is so bad I feel dizzy and vomit when the pain is at its worst. I find that taking pain killers, drinking a lot of water, reducing salt and sugar intake and working out helps. Yet some days nothing does. In part the body and its coping mechanism fascinates me. When it is your own body however it is somewhat limited how focused you can stay when it hits you like a brick. It has been like this for a long time now, it started in 2014 and has increasingly gotten worse and the symptoms are typical for kidney stones.

One feels very lucky to have a partner to lean on when  the symptoms are at their worst and it is hard to be working as a normal human being. It creates uncertainty in my life and more so than what one would think, but he is there and tells me no matter what he will not bounce out of my life. This is new to me and I have a hard time trusting it all. The only thing that has dominated my life until I met this guy was uncertainty. Is this a new era ? A new direction and if so will it last? I hope so.

Meeting someone who is rock solid in their morals and belief of a partnership is just what I need I think. When I am like sand running through someones fingers, well he is that bucket that catch me and makes me solid as well. It is a fine thing having someone believe in you when you feel like there must have been something wrong with you seeing almost everyone else  has left you when times were tough. It brings back a positive view on life and a hope that I am good enough for someone. Many people do not realise how hard it is to have faith in your own ability when your body is not working the way you want. It affects everything, including the way you respond to trivial conflicts. I hope the next year will start with clean kidneys and no pain and thus a brand new focus and love for life!

Certainly, having the warm loving family of my bf around has been such a blessing. Out of all the people in my own family I can say that it has ultimately been my dad that has been the most supportive the last years. When my life got ripped apart in 2015 he took those broken calls and even-though I figure it was a new thing to hear his kid pour her heart out to him he listened and helped where he could. It is almost embarrassing how low I was when speaking to him. I expected him to bail at any point as he had done in the past. But my dad has learned a lot from the ups and downs in our family and so he stuck in it for me. I am grateful for that, because honestly I was ready to throw in the towel at that point. I had been broken so many times I could not put myself back together. In those times it is important to have family I think and good friends that say, GIIIIRL we are here no matter how bitchy you are or broken, we are here for you right now and expect nothing more from you than that you get up in the morning and exist until you again feel the beauty of life hit you with the warmth of a summer breeze. When you finally get through these though times we will feel so happy for you. That is the kind of people I choose to surround myself with and I expect myself to be just an equal support for those when they have a hard time. Of course timing affects such relationships, sometimes we go through things, hard things at the very same time. Those moments are good points in time to be a bit more distant. I am glad not everyone have to go through hardship at the same time as me though, I have no clue how I would get through this without my dad, my bf and his family.

I hope that you are having a good day and if not remember it is okay to be feeling like shit sometimes. You are not a freak at all and it is natural  to feel down when you are going through harsh times. Just remember to breathe and get outside and meet those warm people once in a while. Let them inspire you to find that happy place once more. :) 

xo Viking