Daring to

Hola Readers,

It has been a while, I am considering to stop blogging actually. Only because I am not sure I wish to nor have the energy to share very much of what is going on on at my core at the moment. Some may say I have changed and closed up a bit more the past years and I am sure that is the truth. As I have said many times before I am a human and not perfect at all. When I get hurt I get upset and when people are mean I feel bad. It is a normal response to hold back in those times. I think everyone can identify with this. It is also just as normal to react, but I guess that is less accepted. The past 4 years has been strange health-wise and emotionally I had to go through a lot. I know I am not alone in this, in fact I am sure of it. I see that people in my life and those no longer inn it also have/are experienced the roller coaster, ups and downs and twirl-arounds. If I look at myself right now I think there are many things affecting me in the moment and many things I need to work on to handle them better. There will always be things one could improve. I try to listen more and not to get so upset when someone I love say something hurtful but I also need to dare to be myself and part of that is being emotional and set my boundaries. Toning it down once in a while does not hurt of course ;) 

I see and understand that some people may never like nor respect me. They are going through their own chapters and roller coasters and because of that find it hard to listen or show understanding. So I also realise that no matter what I do or how I act around such people it will never prove good enough. That is fine, I accepted that long ago and yet sometimes it comes at an even greater cost then one would think. Despite what some people may think or feel, I never intend to hurt or be mean back. If someone I am close to hurt me due to different reasons I expect nothing more than I am sorry before we move on. At least the people I am close to and have known for an odd few years.  Daring to love oneself despite what kind of hurtful things people might say or do is one hard task. I would be the first one to tell you. For years I lived with the feeling that I was worth less than a grain of sand blowing in the wind. A few broken ties later did not make it any easier and so I started writing to help me sort out my emotions and create new perspectives and life strategies. In the process I was hoping to help other people see how wonderful life and it´s journeys could be. I hoped that it would make some people feel less alone and less like an emotional freak as well. Cultural highlights and lows have also been important to share for me. I did not always understand why certain ways of life had to be so different and difficult to handle so I wrote about them to let people see how it was like to be an expat, a new one and perfectly imperfect in a strange place.

It is hard not question myself half the time. Slowly I am learning to stand for what I believe in and believe in that I just like everyone else deserve to be treated with respect. Hopefully this blog has not just been easy reading for you all the time, hopefully it challenged your way of thinking and helped you create an understanding of other people´s way of life and struggles. Sometimes the posts might have had you tare your hair with frustration and probably I did as well when writing them. It was because I could not always write about flower petals and the sun ;) Sometimes you might even had loved what I wrote about or felt the soreness of emotion pouring through my words and wanted to lean in and hug me. Sometimes you might have wanted to hug yourself after reading between the lines a story that was similar to your own...

It has been an interesting experience, being so open and honest. Yet after a lot of soul searching I am going to stop writing on the blog. I feel like I have shared enough now and it is time to spend my energy on something else.

I wish you all a wonderful and interesting journey. Thank you to all the people giving me their sweet advice and kind words in times when I needed them the most.

Over and out- The Viking;)

My Inspiration and the Hunger for Knowledge

Hola,

Despite the last months of pain, there are moments of great joy as well. This weekend for example, it was amazing and I had such a colourful and lovely warm weekend with the best man I ever met. He has seen how difficult the past months have been for me and I think he just wanted to make me forget about it for a while and so Saturday I woke up to a tidy and clean house and a bf that held a tray of fresh made omelette and coffee and greens for me. Smiling and just a tad disappointed that he did not reach the bedroom with the tray before I had woken up. Because he is away for studies next week he had planned to spend as much time with me as possible. A year after we started dating I am still head over heals with this kind and gentle and smart human being. We visited my dad and youngest brother and played games and we visited my boyfriends parents as well. Eating vegetarian pizza and just chilling with family was very nice. Then today before he left we went for a walk and met up with my brother and played masterminds before my bf had to head to Bergen. 

I cannot say it enough how much I love him and keep falling more and more in love with this guy. We understand each other most of the time and when we do not we talk about it and sort things out. He is very supportive and I am learning to be more supportive as a partner as well with him. Everyday we are learning new things about the other person. I like that a lot.

After he left for Bergen I lit up the fireplace and found my study spot in the couch and started reading about foster-care pedagogic modules for next year. It was very interesting and again I got weak and ordered a book about how different cultures understand and act upon learning and problematic behaviours in children. It is on days like these that I get inspired to read and to learn more, I get focused and driven when I am in the zone. I decided yesterday already that I would spend the evening reading about next years modules and learn some basic concepts in the first and most central module. I think by next week I will look upon module nr 2.

Being with someone who reads and has a hunger for knowledge inspires me. He is the kind of person I would like to be more like. With him I feel more driven to get there and to get started on my new degree and the great thing about us is that were I am weak he is strong. And where he is weak I am strong so we help each other to become better in things we are not so good at. This is how I know this relationship is healthy and although you cannot be certain in anything in this life I dare say I hope and think this is the man I am meant to be with the rest of my life. I need a man like him in my life! So I think this was the way things were meant to happen now. I had to be crushed and see how relationships with no talking about issues or the opposite where there was only conflicts and arguments were like before I met someone who was used to talk about issues and solve them as a team. More people should be like this. Maybe we are just stupidly in love with heart-shaped pink glasses on and that is why it now seems so simple. If that is the case, I hope those glasses are glued on us for the rest of our lives! When my struggles are real, he is the one person to bring my soul joy and the one person who makes me feel like a ok humanbeing. When I am stuck, he inspires me to let my hair down and get unstuck. This is something I think I did not have in the past. But without my past I would not have learned enough to be with him and so with all the scars I have there are lessons. I am a slow learner when it comes to these things but I learn. This year has been amazing in the lines of love, learning and I am pleased to see that a lot of new knowledge is to come and stimulate my grey cells yet again next year! :D 

                                                                                                        The 2 Vikings ;)

Priority until then is to keep the pink glasses on, mend my health, work my butt off and to read a lot. Somehow I think it will come together. It will be a hard but wonderful new year and it has for sure been a very interesting year that passed. 

I am a lucky Viking :D

xo

To Stay Alive

Hola,

Strange title for a post I know and it is a rather strange thing  to have to write about. Because there are times when I feel like I have to fight systems to stay alive and to get the help and support from doctors and employers that is needed, which should just work well in the first place. To have to defend seeing a doctor or go to the hospital should never be the case, ever. Yet in very many cases this is just what happens. The employer has no right to stop you from going to get the care your body needs to survive. Equally surprising to me is the lack of effort and knowledge in the healthcare system when it comes to really get in depth information from the patient and to use all elements in the system to give the most accurate diagnosis. Personally I am feeling the effect of this system on my body and I am forced into situations where I have to take stands and press ultimatums forward when really I am so tired and in so much agony I just want to give up and crawl into a soft black hole of duvet and hugs and never speak again. It is hard to be something I am not, a pressing, overbearing and complaining someone just to get basic rights met. Everywhere there are people who think they know what is wrong with you (especially at work) but for real they do not have a clue.

Right now a lot of things are finally happening after years of trying to get the correct diagnosis and  appropriate treatment I was entitled to all along. But my health has had to dive into one heck of a hole to get there. Right now there are not only kidney pain but also possible infections and internal  issues in the uterus as a result of a stupid mirena spiral that should have been removed long ago that a doctor insisted I keep to avoid too low iron levels. The pain in my abdomen went from bad to worse after the removal of the spiral and in 24 hours I have lost so much blood that I need anti bleeding medications and several antibiotics and pain relief. In one day I spent over 100 Eur on healthcare and about 6 boxes of medication. Strangely I feel that I came a long way today because now the doctor's alarm bells finally kicked inn and many things will happen ahead. Explaining where the pain was and about the extent of the bleeding was the only thing I managed to do today, had very little energy to do much more. If am honest I also felt pretty sorry for myself sitting there pale as a ghost and in constant agony. I got sent straight to the surgeon and he will see me again at the hospital in a few days. We have to see if the medications help at all the next few days. Talking about these things may be a good thing, because talking about bleeding and genitals, period and uterus is still a stupid taboo and how it affects the rest of you maybe even more so. Getting checked for cancers and other illnesses in your reproductive systems are crucial check ups one should do no matter how embarrassed or odd you feel about it. If something is up you may get to the right specialist and the right treatment much faster.

I am not sure what to tell myself today, like I said I feel like I am battling a system that clearly does not work as effectively as I would wish and I am just trying to stay alive at the moment. Norway, the Netherlands or England... they per my current assessment seem equally rubbish to me when it comes to healthcare and being treated right at work should you be so unlucky to fall ill without any clear diagnosis over time.

And if another person tells me to be positive now I would honestly like to say shut the fuck up! This does not help me at all, right now I am going through hell and no it is not any positive aspects to such pain! People who say this just want to feel good about themselves and experience a less negative instant vibe. This is rather selfish considering their kidneys are fine and their uterus does not feel like it is being ripped out of their abdomen. I do not want to say I am sorry for my ranting right now because it is important to know that when people are in constant pain even with painkillers or very ill it does not help them to call them negative believe it or not.... strange I know ;)

Just a tip from the iron fist Viking ;)

I do hope it all goes well and right now I am just waiting for things to happen. It seems this month and the next are going to be the ones to get answers. Crossing all my fingers and toes now and hoping for the very best.

Xo

Viking

Uncertainty

Hola ,

I hope all is well with you. Right now the snow is covering the mountain tops in Odda and I am contemplating to work out a bit. Not sure if I will go jogging outside seeing the sun is shining for once. I reckon that this girl will end up on one of the training machines in the training room hehe. Maybe a stroll later on today.

Since I wrote last I went to the hospital to get a doc check why I have immense pains in my back and sides of my lower abdomen. They now suspect the same as I did the last few months, kidney stones. I will go to get a scan of my body in 20 days to see if they can find anything and destroy it. The good news is that if it is this then there are several ways to remove kidney stones and thus remove the symptoms, the bad news is that you are in agony worse than giving birth until they do so. Currently it is so bad I feel dizzy and vomit when the pain is at its worst. I find that taking pain killers, drinking a lot of water, reducing salt and sugar intake and working out helps. Yet some days nothing does. In part the body and its coping mechanism fascinates me. When it is your own body however it is somewhat limited how focused you can stay when it hits you like a brick. It has been like this for a long time now, it started in 2014 and has increasingly gotten worse and the symptoms are typical for kidney stones.

One feels very lucky to have a partner to lean on when  the symptoms are at their worst and it is hard to be working as a normal human being. It creates uncertainty in my life and more so than what one would think, but he is there and tells me no matter what he will not bounce out of my life. This is new to me and I have a hard time trusting it all. The only thing that has dominated my life until I met this guy was uncertainty. Is this a new era ? A new direction and if so will it last? I hope so.

Meeting someone who is rock solid in their morals and belief of a partnership is just what I need I think. When I am like sand running through someones fingers, well he is that bucket that catch me and makes me solid as well. It is a fine thing having someone believe in you when you feel like there must have been something wrong with you seeing almost everyone else  has left you when times were tough. It brings back a positive view on life and a hope that I am good enough for someone. Many people do not realise how hard it is to have faith in your own ability when your body is not working the way you want. It affects everything, including the way you respond to trivial conflicts. I hope the next year will start with clean kidneys and no pain and thus a brand new focus and love for life!

Certainly, having the warm loving family of my bf around has been such a blessing. Out of all the people in my own family I can say that it has ultimately been my dad that has been the most supportive the last years. When my life got ripped apart in 2015 he took those broken calls and even-though I figure it was a new thing to hear his kid pour her heart out to him he listened and helped where he could. It is almost embarrassing how low I was when speaking to him. I expected him to bail at any point as he had done in the past. But my dad has learned a lot from the ups and downs in our family and so he stuck in it for me. I am grateful for that, because honestly I was ready to throw in the towel at that point. I had been broken so many times I could not put myself back together. In those times it is important to have family I think and good friends that say, GIIIIRL we are here no matter how bitchy you are or broken, we are here for you right now and expect nothing more from you than that you get up in the morning and exist until you again feel the beauty of life hit you with the warmth of a summer breeze. When you finally get through these though times we will feel so happy for you. That is the kind of people I choose to surround myself with and I expect myself to be just an equal support for those when they have a hard time. Of course timing affects such relationships, sometimes we go through things, hard things at the very same time. Those moments are good points in time to be a bit more distant. I am glad not everyone have to go through hardship at the same time as me though, I have no clue how I would get through this without my dad, my bf and his family.

I hope that you are having a good day and if not remember it is okay to be feeling like shit sometimes. You are not a freak at all and it is natural  to feel down when you are going through harsh times. Just remember to breathe and get outside and meet those warm people once in a while. Let them inspire you to find that happy place once more. :) 

xo Viking

Just my Friday Contemplations

Hola,

We live in such a strange world. I look around me and sure, I want to conclude that it can be good this strangeness. Yet I find it hard to say. The words just get stuck like a dryness in my mouth. Not because of my own hurdles, but because I know of people who have way bigger struggles than I have. I also know people with less. No, the reason I find it hard to picture our world growing into something better or awesome is simply one good look around me. I am so lucky to live in Norway and not have war pulled down over my head like a size zero sweater. Too many people starving, war ridden, running from terror and dying to get at the very least a roof over their head in a place where hate does not drive their families into their grave. It is strange to sit here and listen to the eternal rain hitting the roof and the winds pushing the tree back and forth outside the window in the living room knowing people, small kids are out at sea drowning just to have tried to get to Europe and a better life than what they had. I also think about research, documentaries and the papers I have read about what the causes are for these desperate attempts. The symptoms of a dying planet and the growing hate and division of people. I am not sure knowing stuff always make you happy, but I know that not knowing would be strange as well in our digital age. I think that our planet as we know it will change forever and it is happening right now, spreading like a wild fire through dry grass. When people get desperate and scared it is easy to say and do desperate things, when we are too many it is easy to overlook one head, two small hands reaching for a simple commodity as still water is. To risk the most basic you have, your own life to save the most important people in your life...would you do it? 

Sometimes I wonder, would any of my family members do that for me? I mean if it came down to that desperate decision , would my life be worth more than I think it to be? 

The research tell us natural resources, climate and species all around the world are already in a bad way. Why is it, that we who have the money and privilege keep disregarding the signs of a dying planet?? Or even more important , why do we do so little to save the lives of our children that will live in this earth after us? We can never know for sure what the future will hold, we could get hit by a comet or have some super-volcano erupt... yet we do know 100% the planet is in a bad way, we know people suffer as a result of poverty and shortly put, hate. All of us can contribute to lessen those 3 facts.

It is a horrendous cycle of a few factors:

1) Poverty and overpopulation- lack of resources and lack of knowledge

2) Corruption and war - bad politics

3) Use of technology that pollute and kill important key habitats and species

4) Capitalistic focus in i-countries leading to use of unethically produced products and deterioration of natural resources.

I could draw these points into a circle , because they feed each other and affect each other. Not to be negative but there is no upward spiral here. A country with a lot of poverty will see negative effects on their governmental institutions, their loved ones and natural resources. Bad politics is an effect of impossible expectations and promises in a place where people have nothing left to hope for but change. The people who get into a powerful position in poor countries often walked over corpses to get rich enough to get there. They lied to people because they know they are desperate for just THAT little piece of hope. Sadly the win of political power often starts a new cycle of war and corruption leading ...essentially to no real change at all.

The real tragedy is that it takes a lot to get a country out of such as cycle, yet it is damn easy to end up in poverty. That fear of loosing the so called upper hand, that is the seed of corruption and division.  The start of ¨they¨ and ¨not us¨.... ¨our culture¨, ¨their traditions¨.

It is easy to fear the unknown. Norway has not been a rich country for long, about 5 mill. people, it is a big country and has a lot of natural resources and fossil fuels... easy money, quick money... unethical earnings. The oil barons are scared to loose their income and their employees are as well. They know what effects they have on other people in other parts of the world and they know the ultimate sacrifice. Where fear goes, corrupted thoughts follow. Time and time again documentaries and research shows us the same answers time and time again. As long as we keep overpopulating the world and some keep the fear of loosing materialistic things I will be honest and say I do not see any break in the bad cycle. You never know though, maybe that super volcano will be less of a curse after all?

There is no point ignoring the world we live in. We are all inn it together, like it or not. Reality is what it is and just because some people choose to turn away does not make the challenges we face go away. I do not hate people who think differently, just think ignorance is bliss and fear is fear...

There you go, there is my typical brain storm on a Friday evening. It will not change the world, but I cannot let it go.

xo Viking

September Adventures in Malaga

Hi there,

My last post was rather critical and about things of the past. It has been a hectic time med illness and other negative things after I got back from Spain. Due to all the surreal things happening and still going in I forgot to write about my time in Malaga. So I thought, let´s do it now! :)

We flew to Malaga on the 12th of September. It was very rainy as we left the Quality Hotel near Stavanger Airport. For breakfast we had watched the planes take off in the rain. We took a taxi to the airport which took about 5min. Our plane was of course having some delays so we waited at the gate for some time, yet we did not care. The very first time going to Spain for me and going on a longer trip to an unknown country with the boyfriend so I was more nervous and excited about that fact than anything else. We had invited some friends of us to join us on the sunshine coast of Spain but we were told they had other plans and that they were in Luxenburg when we planned to go and not days left to take a holiday from work. Bummer but we thought nothing more of it, because it is rather common these things. What we did not know was that these friends were planning a trip to Malaga as well and they surprised us at the airport! It was so funny. The moment I got a Snap picture of the back of our heads waiting at the gate I turned and saw their faces smiling back at us. Totally confused we started laughing. It was the start of an awesome trip I thought. 

I was right, the trip was amazing and I have no clue why I had let my past make me nervous about travelling with my lovely man. We rented an apartment in the city centre, it was right next to the harbour, train station and main bus stops. We landed in the sunshine and 33 degrees Celsius! Loved it!

Due to traffic and rebuilding of the roads going through the city centre it was hard to find the apartment by car. So we jumped off in the shopping street and walked to our block. It was an old piece of architecture and a beauty of a building. 

We stayed there for 2 weeks in the sunshine and went to visit numerous historical places. There were so many places to see and several beautiful religious buildings that were artwork in my eyes and very interesting sites to check out.

One of the days we went to a ¨the castle on the hill¨ called Castillo Gibralfaro and that was some hike I can tell you right now. In 34 degrees in the shade we climbed up the tiles in the sunshine and at the very top we had this wonderful view seen below! Just an amazing feeling to experience with someone you love.

We also went to the beach of course but mostly we were there for the experience of a new culture, architecture and food. The sunshine was also important, the past years I have not had a real summer and so this time I wanted to feel the warmth on my skin again and wear a dress. Silly as that sounds it did me good to wear a bikini and get the D-vitamins my body was longing for.

It was not just that, I have not since I was 15 had a summer holiday that was longer than 1 week. Because I have been working or helping people whenever off from work or studies it was simply needed to find the calmness within and to try to mend my health. 

And boy we had such a good time. Every day I felt myself skipping down the street and looking for the next adventure. We went to the Picasso museum and learned new things about the artist and his paintings and sculptures we did not know before.We ate a lot of Spanish and Italian food and we even found a vegetarian restaurant in the city centre. The service it Spain was either good or bad, some places you would be treated like royalty whilst others you would be ignored or treated horribly even by the waiters. I often found the recommended restaurants filled with tourists so we started not going to those unless having no choice. Overall the Italian restaurants were pretty good in service, food and price-wise. The local and small scale Spanish restaurants were also pretty good.  All the fish restaurants my friends tried were horrible and had little choice for vegetarian or willingness to fry just vegetables. My advice would be stay away from fish places, they were expensive and had foul food. I had a tomato salad at one of these places, it tasted like raw fish....horrible ! It was 1 sliced tomato with some salt and balsamico and it costed over 10 euro so nope not my cup of tea.

Except for that, Spain was great. I loved it and will go back for sure! We visited the botanical garden Carmino del Jardin Botanico and it was wonderful and had lovely food and service at a good price. Entering the botanical garden costed 5 euro for both of us and the food we got served was organic and locally grown vegetables. It was around 10 euro for the goat-cheese salad and around us were such colourful beauty and botanical artwork almost taking our breath away. We even saw a lizzard passing us as we strolled through the gardens. It was a very old and sometimes we caught ourselves feeling like we travelled back in time.

They even had a barbie house dedicated to the family that used to own the gardens and a lot of historical buildings in memory of the royal holiday resort which it was back in the 1800´s. It was warm in the gardens, we found places to cool down in the shade and read about the history behind the gardens on information boards situated around the huge facility. I would go there again! To have gone to Spain and spend a whopping 2 weeks in the sun did me good. We got to go on an adventure together and got to swim in culture and got to see fragments of history which a lot of people seem to forget exists in Malaga. 

We will be back ;) This was just the type of travel I love<3

xo Viking

#metoo

Dear Readers,

Many of you have seen and re-posted this metoo tag online and some of you might still wonder what it is about. Media is covering it as well and it is a tag highlighting just how many women (online) around the world have experienced sexual harassment or rape.

Sadly I kind of feel it is a tag trend as well. Because the real tragedy is that  the online women might talk about the sexual harassment and rape as adults online, yet there is a little girl going to school right now getting harassed or raped and the teachers, adults and friends around her is turning their chin away. They all pretend it is not happening. Whether or not this is because it scares them or because they freeze just like that little girl I am not sure.

My story is one of those where the teacher turned away and so did peers for many odd years. It has affected me greatly and due to this and other circumstances as well  I struggle to trust and confide in people. It is easier on a sheet of paper or on a page I will not lie. I still remember the first time I experienced sexual harassment like it was yesterday, even without the hashtag I see the faces of the guys which put bets on who dared touch my boobs and ass. Dark haired, ginger and blonde... I remember how angry I got and how the shame just flushed over me because everybody saw what they did to me in the schoolyard! I kind of wished no one saw as silly as that sounds, it would have been less of a betrayal and maybe I would have still had some faith in friends and family. But no such luxury and result is a person who does not trust anyone entirely. I often landed myself in fights due to some arse of a boy touching me or making me look like something dirty. First time I must have been 13 years and the worst part was that girls thought these guys were cool and at times they even copied the lads that were harassing me. My exterior self showed an angry and feisty lass, but the school toilets showed many suppressed tears and anxiety attacks. #Metoo means people talk  about and highlight sexual harassment and that I suppose is good, but the damage is already done. Yet I ask you.... today if you suspect that a kid is being harassed  or touched at school in such a nasty way...what will you do? Or if you look out the window as you are eating your lunch and you see a girl from your class punching a lad in the face because he just grabbed her from behind...for a 10Eur note or a cigarette from the rest of the crowd...WHAT will you do?? Will you speak out? Even if you have issues on your own? Will you truly? #MeToo , will it change the way we deal with uncomfortable or inconvenient truths? Or will we continue to chew and swallow the lunch and hope someone else dares to speak out? A hashtag will not change how it feels when you are let down or shamed I can tell you that right now. A hashtag is not  the rescue the young kids needs, a hashtag is just a hashtag , it is another trend or a result of something that should have never happened in the first place and I know it will never change the scars I am left with. It will never change the statistics I am now a part of. Yet I hope the stories behind it in some way or form will motivate you to take a break from your lunch and look out the window in a new light and stand up for that girl or boy. Tell the bullies that this is not something anyone deserves. The harassed might be strong but that does not mean they do not need your voice to help them.

xo

Viking