Hi there,
I promised myself I would not write too much when inn this state but I somehow a part of me might find it calming.
As many of you know, last year I moved back to Norway inn hope of finding my way and become a more healthy person. I was ill all the time which is not like me, not really my thing to be sick. I used to ignore it until I fell. Somehow I always found the energy deep down. Well after 2007 I found my body slowly breaking down. It got escalated by stress, yet I ignored it, pushed it and pulled it up my hills of goals and helped break it down. When I finally had a breather it collapsed and I got very ill for sometime. When I moved to NL I started to get sick all the time, struggled to keep my eyes open and felt pains and infections creeping inn and out of my body. I hated it and I refused to see a doctor for a while since none of them had really helped me in the past. Also in part I was just sick of white coats. As a little epileptic girl and an recovered eating disordered patient I was kind of done with shitty healthcare personnel that just did not have social tools to deal with people nor the expertise to help find out what was wrong with me.
It is of course not easy or straight forward to diagnose a problem and certainly not when you are dealing with someone like me. Why? Because I was so done with it all and hurting from mistreatment from the past. Needles, clipboards, journals and pins were ordinary memories to me. Memories of dad passing out in an ex-ray room because I had too many tubes and wires connected and a mum telling me to lay still and do as the doctors said.
I did not want to have that sort of attention and I certainly hated the medicines that made everything I ate taste like shite! I am certain this was the beginning of a eating hell, but inn any case the point is not this.... it is that I got sick of it all. When you have seen doctors since you were 5 and you feel relatively out of place and overrun it is just one of these things you wish to push back and not experience longer than possible. Certainly complaining about it gets old and most tests a habit.
Anyway, this is just the background of how I came to be so sick of lab coats and health care personnel. There is a longer version but I will skip that. As you know I hoped that after my body gave up several times while in the Netherlands, Norway and it's nature and fresh air and low paste would help. Only bad combo is that I do not know how to relax. I want to work work work and certainly ignore my body until it is too late. I was feeling better this winter, especially when working in the kindergarten, though I had some small set backs with kidney infections here and there and kid's diseases I was all inn all not too bad. I must have called inn sick 2 times only which is a grand improvement from before. When I started a new job this spring I felt good, had energy and bounce and felt like I could do anything. Had not been sick in a while and felt great. Little did I know that after a busy summer with a lot of unforseen events and kidney infections my body would crash like this.
Every morning I wake up feel dizzy and lethargic, my kidneys ache and the doctors do not know why. I feel shaky and very sleepy. Almost intoxicated like I was drugged and my head hurts most of the time. Emotionally I can feel flat and not care, I just want quiet to sleep and not be disturbed much. Some days I feel myself tear up at trivial things. I feel scared because my legs are shaky and as if I have an infection. I get fevers out of nowhere and if I have a lot to do or deal with a difficult situation my body refuse to work with me. It is no good way to really explain how scary it is that my body is now sending out signals urging me to stop moving without a concrete cause. It scares me shitless! As I am writing this for example my right hands fingers are vibrating when I try to keep my hand still. My head is pounding again and I have a fever.
I have gone to the doctors and been forwarded to specialists in Odda after a year of just treating symphtoms. If they do not figure this out I will probably be forwarded to Haugesund or Bergen. Urg! On one hand it is great that I seem to be getting some help, on the other hand I still feel like this part of my life should be over until I turn 60 or 75 at least. I ask myself, WHY is this happening NOW? I mean I used to never feel ill before I went to England. It is like my body is just shutting down and several systems are not working as they should or when they should. On Thursday walking to the bus that takes me to work I felt my legs give inn and the twisting and spinning of the world begun again, I was leaning against walls to get to the stop where I normally wait. Truth be told it freaks me out, because as I have handed in my notice a while back now I know I will not work inn my current job after September and I can go back to working with the kids. My body will not listen. It is like an unruly teenager beating the shit out of my kidneys and brain. Maybe I just need to have different life, it can be hard to find the right balance?
Someone I used to know told me he gave animal names to his friends to remember their names better. If I was him right now I would call myself a SLUG because that is how I feel. Like boneless gue with sensitive feelers on my head. I feel I am loosing control and I hate it of course. No clue what I will do but I hope it will be okay. Just very scared of yet another hospital era.
Now I have a few days off so I will try to not sleep away all of them and just enjoy them with the supportive man I have in my life :)
xoViking
