Knock! Knock ! Knocking on Viking´s Walls

Hey there,

It is another smalltown grey day in Odda and I am prepping for another day at work. The air feels moist and a bit heavy as I walk towards the town centre. The wind though jumps through my hair as if to say ¨I WILL HAVE NONE OF THAT SLOW PASTE LIFE MISSY!¨ It kind of makes me cheerful and it kind of makes my thick gipsy hair messy. Then again, who do I really care to look good for in this town right? I do not want to stay for long, I cannot stay for much longer. My life consists of not much other than working my behinds off and sleeping or thinking about work or how much I miss my pillowcase!

Sharing my train of thought can be great, yet sometimes a somewhat repetitive exercise. At least it feels like that is what I am doing. However, I do feel calm in some manner because even if it disturbs me somewhat I am settling inn a bit for the moment. I am jamming to tunes with people who found themselves stranded in Odda from all over the world. We are not perfect, none of us are and so it does feel like we have at least that in common. Yesterday I sat on a bench outside the diner where I work waiting for a bus when 3 of my colleagues came outside and made a friend sandwich of us all on the bench. That moment was nice, I could barely see due to tiredness and my back was hurting like hell yet there we sat the lot of us shoulder to shoulder laughing of the crazy days we have had. It felt like an episode of Seinfeld when they meet at that bar and just sit and feel tired together while sharing that dayś events with each other. All ages, all so different and yet still imperfect and in the same mode at the end of the day. Sure we annoy each other senseless at work sometimes albeit we do work rather well together even so. 

On this day I was contemplating my next step as well as thinking about how much has changed in my life the last 6 years. The hunger for stabilising a little in a city instead of a town was very much present and that too might be why I am no counting on myself more and more and on others less and less. I do not want to feel like crap for being a bit selfish now and then and to feel like I have to be sacrificing parts of my life or health for someone else just because I grew up thinking others matter more than me and my own life. I am single for selfish reasons now and still I find myself often pushing my own needs aside for the people I care about around me. In order to figure things out in my own life I need to put the needs of others a bit in the background for a while. I hope that it will not be a mistake since my gut strongly disagrees with these sort of decisions. I just have to teach myself that this is normal and that most people are a bit selfish now and then and in fact it happens a lot more than one would think. 

I am awfully good at giving advice. Brilliant in fact, however I should maybe follow my own advice now and then and not worry too much about the consequences every singe time. Is my personality really this uptight with my own ego? I need to relax and just accept how life pans out and stand by my decisions no matter what happens. The road is long though and I know it will be a challenge for me. After all I am a hardcore controlfreak in some ways. But heck, let´s see if I can manage to pull my life together in a more stable way in the months to come.

xo Viking

Cancel My Plans! I am Growing Up!

Hey there,

It has been a while. Truth be told I have been so busy the last 3 weeks that I rarely got anything done with regards to writing. 

Emotionally things are clearing up as well. I guess I needed a reminder on that it is ok to just be honest to oneself and others. It is okay to disagree, yet it does not make it less difficult for me when discussions get too intense. Somehow I struggle when I see my opinions or actions hurt someone else. Too long I pushed myself to the edge of the conversation to avoid conflict and just sat listening to what others thought  to be best. I figured I was clear enough with my action but I guess that people will have to want to listen as well for the message to be conveyed.

Things will fall into place now, maybe they already are. The painful part is feeling like a shitty person for a while, but I am an adult so I should deal with that in such a way as one then should.... yes there will be chocolate involved and shitloads of coffee! Yes there will be PJ nights with a certain lapcat involved and oh icecream...possibly an appletini....but just Saturdays. ;) The other days I guess focusing on a new wardrobe will suffice !

Life has a funny way of teaching me big and small lessons here and there. Finally I understand some things that I failed to see clearly in the past. My patience has been tested to the point of breakage and you know what ...I think it was a good way to learn though a painful lesson at that.

I do try to learn from my mistakes, but I know I am not the most easy person to deal with at times. Some will say I own no emotions whilst others say I have too much of it. It is a balance game peeps, when to listen, when to let go, when to accept the lack of control and when to stand up for oneself.

So not saying I am perfect though! Far from it, but I do want to be better at certain things and try to understand others better. I sometimes wish my patience was better suited for this world and that my people skills in tense situations were somewhat rounder in taste. Yet I am as square with those as I am when I am in the kitchen....and I tend to flee to get that fresh breath of air again. 

Funny in a way to know the logical side to an emotional response yet being unable to deal with it any different than the biology determined so many thousands of years ago. I have not been angry in many many years, not really but this week my patience really got tested to the limit and I must say it shocked me a bit. Yet my response was to leave the tense situation I was in finally. I do not like getting angry nor to feel pushed in a corner and yet there is something about the whole ordeal that really flicked a switch in my head. I realised how I must have put some people on the spot like this a few times myself without empathy or much emotional understanding as to where they were coming from in times when they felt cornered by my discussions. I cannot explain it any better than this because I do not want to go to much into details here, but something definitely changed within me.

This week turned out very different from what I planned, but I learned so much about my own responses to stress and emotional situations. I guess you could say I grew up a little (however only a LITTLE!)

Big Smooches from the Viking !

Road-trip to Voss

Hi peeps!

Today me and a nice company of friends ended up taking a road-trip to Voss. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed every nostalgic second of it. I have managed to get a fever since this morning and that is unfortunate though most probably a passing problem.

The different shades of green merging with tones of grey and blue in the landscape brought back memories of a time in my life that I remember with a smile. Times on the horseback, moving out of my hometown and the first time I ever felt excited about living and learning. It has been a a long time since I went to Voss and really spent time there and relived some beautiful moments in my life. I left Voss about 12 years ago and the first time I saw it again was this time last year. Back then there was not time to really spend a significant moment  there so today I tasted every second of the green warm environment where I started my journey to who I have become today.

The fresh air was just as lovely as I remembered it to be. Whilst the hot air was lurking out the heavy clouds from the background I closed my eyes for a moment and listened to the sheep bells in the background and took a mental  picture.

The journey I started back then in 2003/2004 might be over but I am pretty sure that a new one has begun and just like back then I am like Bambi on the ice. You see I always had a backup plan with my study and career to justify any sacrifice or move and now those have been ripped away and apart so what is left to blame or grow from??? I am back where I started and in many ways confused about a lot of things, pondering about my next steps ahead and if the ice will be slippery, will my motivation stand on the road ahead like it did back then? 

   Voss from up High! Own photo (July, 2016)

So many questions lurking in my head these days and I am trying to feel life's little cherries and close my eyes and ears as well as heart to those people and moments that really disappoint me and fail not only to support but are just clearing space in the calendar for people who never see the 'rain'. 

No journey is without sacrifice or planning of course, the impulsive journeys however...will always feel like the most refreshing, cunning, lovely and let's not forget, surprising ones.

Until next time peeps!

xo VIKING!

My Sparkling Diamonds

Hi Peeps,

How are you over there on the other side of my pen? Are you happy it is summer? In this moment are you feeling like tomorrow holds hope of another great day? Looking inside and feeling the rhythm of you beat does it feel strong or weak? Steady or chopped up? 

Reading my blog, does it give you insight in me or yourself? Are you on a soul search or just curious ? I wonder if you find it supportive to see my journey through my ups and downs or if it is merely bedside reading? 

I am guessing there are a mix of people reading though I find it difficult to picture sitting here on the other side. When I was younger I would have wished someone to post their experience for me to read though. Because going through emotional stuff and travelling along life alone can make one feel isolated and strange or uncommon or just like an abnormal tumour. Hahaha I am sorry for my colourful description there but I just had to ;)

Well there was none of that but then maybe I was not looking in the right places back then. I guess I was too busy battling dark stuff to reach out. I hope there is some help in my writing though. Because even if I sometimes use it as an outlet of grief, happiness, frustration or tales of my adventures on this earth I also do wish to share with people who struggle with different things in life that you are not alone and it is normal to have your ups and downs. You are not the hard nor difficult person you tell yourself you are, but a unique treasure waiting to be discovered and your sparkles might blind some people as you pass them in high speed. Yet your sparkles will be very much appreciated one day by the right people.Yet keep evolving and search for mental feed and seek the balance that will keep you on the right track. Practice that and you will not be tipped over so easily everytime shit hits the fan and threatens to dull your sparkles. It might seem easy but it is not always that way.

None of us are perfect but we can sparkle even so. I met a woman in my hometown I did not know, she is a bit younger than me and her hard exterior and harsh comments fooled me into thinking she was a right bitch. Yet I have come to realise she is more like me than what I could have imagined. In the beginning we were not really getting along but now I see her sparkles, she has let down her guard and let me see that just like me she had her struggles in life and just like me she has tried very hard to hide her vulnerable side. But it is there and it makes me smile to see that despite a horrible first impression we have more similarities than what I first thought. But more than anything I saw the sparkles of this person, just that she tried hiding it made them difficult to see.

I can also be bitchy at times and hard to read and I guess to some that makes me look like a royal B! Yet I wonder not about who I am today, I wonder who you are? Hiding behind my printed letters? A friend of mine already?Interested in the internal life of the Viking? Interested in adventure across the lands? Or just in search of something to ease the pressure of life a little? Does reading calm or soothe your soul?

Who are you little diamond?

                                                                        Picture found on Google ( 2016)

                                        

xx Viking

Euphoric Tales

Hi there,

Busy days for a busy head over here, the difference now is that I know I am not going anywhere anytime soon. Though I did just order a trip to Bergen for the end of July! :D

The city grows on me everytime I visit it. It is different now that I am older and the visit does not contain greeting any lab coated person that wants to probe me. When young the only things I tended to see there was the inside of a university hospital and all the tests they used to do. 

Luckily it is very different now. Finally I will travel a bit again if not for too long then at least a wee bit until I go to Stavanger and the NL yet again. Travelling makes me happy and at ease somehow. In times of terror it might be odd that I feel so comfortable at an airport as I do. Not sure how I have become this strange lady so easy on her wings but somewhere along the way it happened. I am sure I would be rather different growing up under different circumstances but the travel urge and spirit I possess would probably have been very strong no matter what. What happens as I take off in a plane? Well I can only explain it like this, it feels like the whole of my insides are smiling in a promise of new beginnings. As I take off I let go of burdens I once carried and I let them be in the part of the world I am leaving. 

Of course life is not has simple. I cannot run away from my problems, THAT would be a grand illusion for sure. All I am saying is, that the take off feels like that and for a while I feel free of all worries. Strange ay, however very honest. It might be I am not alone in feeling this way, it would make sense if I was not.

There are moments in life where everything else just fade and a sort of euphoria grabs you so hard you can do nothing but enjoy every second of it. Flying is one of these moments for me. 

Right now I am not flying and work is calling me so I gotta run and say...until next time peeps!

xx Viking

I Love the Blur

Hi there peeps,

It is pouring down with rain the last few days and the scent afterwards when the sun hits the moist mountain air, concrete and green leaves is somewhat addictive. It brings me back to the innocence of childhood. Not sure why that is, could it be from when I used to run away from home to live an adventure? Or is it from the times we used to build tree-huts with branches or leaves the lot of us? Was it from a hide and seek game in the fields outside my childhood home that imprinted on my brain after a rainy shower? I am not sure, but it smells familiar and it is a calming scent for whatever reason. 

The rainbow soon follows the rays of sun, as if the tiny drops of rain still hanging in the air and the rays are dancing together in this magical dance that ends up in a beautiful display of colours. 

Nature is inspiring, breathtaking and all together brilliant. It challenges us and it makes us feel humble. It also makes us soul search and face things a busy city usually tends to blur out. I find myself learning that I have become that kind of person  that loves nature but like to blur things out. I like distractions, moments that draw me towards a bliss, a smile and good times. No need to look back I think, at least if not necessary. The city makes less time for thinking, in fact it makes less time for anything to be fair. Less time for health, less time to think of things that makes one less effective. It is easy to run away from feelings in a city and get drunk on tempting new experiences. I find myself a bit torn between the 2. I like nature but I like the blur and the high paste of things in a city. I blur inn with the rest as well and I can be anonymous, to be nobody can feel rather liberating at times. To just blend inn and feel like making mistakes is no biggie. Do silly and crazy stuff without being afraid or held back by countryside gossip. Sitting on the train with music in my ears the day after a big party with the feeling I am flying through the landscape and racing through what needs some quick review in my mind, yet not for too long since the trains in the big cities tend to be quick to reach their destinations. At least in NL that is.  

In september I will finally feel like that again. Visiting the Netherlands and the cities that contains great historical monuments and energy and the famous blur I have come to appreciate. Smalltown issues become insignificant there and it takes extra effort to keep on top of everything, no need to dive into the past.

There are many good sides to blurring, there are many bad as well. After a while blurring away in life tends to extend to health and happiness. Choices become harder to make and the fear of getting pinned down to one place or person become greater with the years.  After that every encounter with people who wish to love you might just feel like an approaching cage because it threatens to unblur things ;)

Scared is a strong word but it kind of fits the setting. As we get older and more used to making our own course any threat to this no matter how great the emotions or intentions feels unfitting and scary. Because for people like me who love the blur, dealing with being a unit means dealing with giving up a part of ourselves we learned to appreciate. Maybe someone in the unit will tell us to deal with emotions or the things we like to push away for a more convenient time in the back of our heads?

Escapism is a broad term a philosopher once told me of. It fits the shoe I thought and so what? It does not matter because it just defined how I felt. I do not wanna be defined as a unit, nor just a woman or a Norwegian lass. The definition I am the most happy with is the one my friends give me....which is a broad shitload of things but none of them narrow it down to a unit or just a woman. Time and experiences along the road changes all of us , it can never be static and as much of a curse that might feel like for some. I like it this way, forever changing and evolving and who knows one day I might feel different about certain stuff but I doubt it.

Until next time peeps,

xx Viking