Once upon a time , in the little town

Hi there,

I am having a better week finally and finding some peace with it all. At work I am lucky so far to have nice people to work with. We joke around and we are an international bunch of people. My boss is a nice lady and helpful which I respect.

Further, I am coming to terms with that this town change little to nothing. Coming to terms with the concept that some people choose to look away when bad people destroy their children by physical abuse. I never realised how much more common it is in this town to use violence as an attempt to solve disagreements. I was lucky to not have a dad like that, just unlucky I had mom that was more than happy to swing her hand.

When I was little and until my teens I saw and heard awful things. Not just speaking about within my own family, but also saw violence chew it´s way through other families. A childhood friend of mine for example, I saw him get beaten up real bad when I was like 6 years old by his dad. Years later when I was a teen, the same man put his hands on me. I was disgusted by the man because he was a family ¨friend¨ which we spent a  lot of time with. I too am guilty for looking the other way with such people, maybe I did not know any better but I understand why I prefer to stay out of the line of fire. I mean how much can you do as a 6 year old? Or as a 14 year old?

I started staying away from the so called family friend. I knew he was disgusting and abusive. His kid went through way more than I ever did and I understand that such events can seriously affect and even destroy a person mentally if it goes on for long enough. The point is, I realise though with sadness I was not alone getting a though upbringing forced upon me. As I settle inn again I see the scars and effects from several broken childhoods surface and I see the parents, aunts and elderly pretend that the abusers are awesome and great people that did nothing wrong. Instead they are claimed to enrich the community. Is it strange I never said anything about how I grew up until I moved away?

It is not that I wish to humanize abuse or look away at all, but I understand why some people use violence to try to sort out their issues. It is the same reason I fear the inevitable human mind that I was also born with. Abusive people often have a history of being abused themselves and the sad story continues through generations. For me it has helped to cut strings with the people who really hurt me even if they were related. I moved out when I was 16 in order to remove myself from a really bad situation and my heart was adventurous enough to keep moving. I had lost my attachments by compartmentalizing the traumatic events.

Though there has been trauma in my life, I have been lucky to survive it with my personality intact. Due to getting away I was allowed to get sick, heal and re-built myself and work through the emotions. I did it with the help of people outside the abuse circle and tried not involving anyone that were attached to me in my upbringing. Some people though had to be a part of it, but those people had the ability and insight to understand to some extent what I was going though.

I love my family, even though some of them will never understand why I have turned out the way I have or acted the way I have done in the past and present. It is okay for my part, not everyone can face the music of life.  

Odda is a beauty of a city, if someone would start a big project here that made a lot of jobs the town would be booming and it would be good for the community. But I do hope however, that the old way of solving problems can be left in the gutter where it belongs. No need for violence any more, after all kindness doesn´t cost a thing and it is much more effective.

xo Viking

When things get personal...

Hi there,

I am having a bit of a week filled with emotional stuff. Especially since I miss my friends back in the Netherlands and this small-town is not even close to growing on me. Seeing family and friends is nice (at least the ones I do see). Yet there are moments I feel entirely alone and I find it difficult to talk to people here about it. My friends are not here, at least not the ones I am really close to. For a part I feel the family love, my nieces and nephews and my dad and his family for sure. Going back to Odda still does not feel like progress but more a step back to a life I do not wish. I knew it would be hard, but some people from my past ( a brute past that is) just keep pushing shit on my path.

More than 13 years ago I left this city with the intention of never coming back. I came to terms with the abuse I experienced here for about 16 years and on very special occasions I came back to visit. Now I feel stuck and the best friends back in the Netherlands feel so far away and busy. I find comfort and strength in visiting my dad and his family, strangely it is the only person that feels like my anchor right now. But it is really hard being back this time, much harder than I expected. Last I lived here for about 8-9 months knowing I would leave very soon. Not knowing when makes me very anxious and I feel very isolated as well. Sure I will learn from the experience, but more than anything I just feel like that scared 16 year old all over again. As if I am pulled back into the maize of uncertainty and memories I wish to forget. It helps to keep busy, but I wish I had more to do so all I had to do was work and sleep. I guess work has always been my drug in a way, my escape from emotional turmoil.

Me and my oldest siblings went through a lot in this place, much more than kids should go through. We had the choice to grow up quick has hell or seek other ways to escape. My sister was the strongest of us in many ways, sometimes I wonder where she took it from being younger than me. 

Times have changed of course, no doubt there yet I wish I felt more at ease here. It is tiring to feel these bad energies and deal with flashbacks once more. Trauma sometimes ticks you like this, just when you think you were over certain memories something pulls you right back inn. I hate this feeling and the powerlessness I feel due to it. What I would have given to be from a normal family at times....to have not seen what I had to witness as a child and to at the very least forget how it feels like to be a hated child by close ones. I wish I could trust people, but coming back here keeps reminding me why I never really did. Even if I was close a few times to give it to some people, there were always certain notions triggering a cautiousness from the past. There is a saying in Norway that goes something like ¨A burnt child never plays with fire¨. If the fire was replaced with trust, this saying could not be more true for me. I don´t play around with the word or the feeling. I observe and I make the most of the moments I am given. It is what it is and in fear of sounding completely negative I would say I have seen enough to know that pain is a crucial part of life. To appreciate the good we need to feel bad sometimes. Compared to a lot of people I have seen nothing, but compared to a lot of people I also saw a lot of pain and felt my fair share of it as well. Sometimes I dealt with it in a predictable manner, sometimes unpredictable, sometimes acceptable and sometimes not so much.

None of us are perfect.All I know is that right now, in this moment, in this town....I am not having a great time. Not at all and I just wanna get out of here.

I hope to get back to you with better news soon, maybe my inner gipsy is getting the better of me and maybe I just need to keep moving....

xo

Viking

Smalltown Nostalgia

Hello Dear Readers,

So, it has happened. I have landed and unpacked on Norwegian soil once more and as suspected all I want is to get my ass back abroad. Despite the warm welcome home I can honestly say that even now it feels like I do not belong. Odda is where I grew up but certainly not where I developed into who I am today. I am lucky to have found a temporary job here and the people there seem very nice. Yet, there is no doubt in my mind that this is just a transition for me, a quick stop on my journey to another adventure. I have decided to earn some money and try to find a job in a big city in Europe (no matter where this might be). Any suggestions where there are good pays and long term job opportunities? 

Seeing my family is great of course, they have been so sweet and very helpful.  Especially my dad and his gf have really been stunningly supportive. Of course there is also my granddad and granny which are as per usual there with a hug and a smile when I need them :) It feels equally good to see my siblings and my nieces and nephews. It certainly makes the situations more bearable to surround myself with their company, yet I know I cannot stay for too long in this city.

Group selfie! (May 2016)

My youngest brother (10 years old) approached me today with a smile that had a hidden question in it somehow. ¨You will move abroad again huh? ¨ Inside me I could feel a sting, as if I was already disappointing him or even myself. But something in me told me, he is my brother and he loves me very much and just maybe he realise that I am a sort of nomad or gipsy. I nodded and added the most determined ¨Yep¨ I could muster. He nodded and said ¨Yeah, I figured that much. But maybe you could move to another city in Norway instead this time?¨ Little did he know I would have loved for that to be the outcome. But already staying a few days in my hometown feels like months. You see, there is a nostalgia steaming and pumping out from this community ever since one of the 2 factories that were built here in the beginning of the 1900s went bankrupt. People talk a lot about how things used to be before when both factories ran smoothly, instead of thinking forward. People here plead the youth to stay and keep life in Odda, yet not much is done to keep us here. Political decision-making about the future of Odda goes slow and for us young and educated, a future here is non-existent. Financial cuts in the public sector and a centralised health-care system are not exactly helping either. In my opinion, if the city Odda wants to survive the next 50 years they need to invest more in science, they need to develop the infra-structure and public transport further and they NEED to invest in the young people and their business plans not only in time but ON time. If not this small-town/city will be nothing but nostalgia in a few decades. People will keep talking about how it used to be and the youth will get frustrated and move away or result in drugs. What is needed is innovation and openness to new pulses in the community. Even at a more grand rate then what we see now. I see it and I think anyone who has some kind of background in analytics or social studies also see it. Thinking logically though, I believe most people should see it even without this education because it is a simple question you can ask youth to break the ¨secret code¨...what do you need to stay in Odda? What would it take to make you stay and breathe life into our smalltown? If the politics are driven on ¨how-things-used-to-be¨, then it will keep us on this path. The innovative communities and cities which move at a higher paste will tempt and draw out the very people that could keep towns like Odda alive. 

Many people are sad about the situation yet do not try to do anything about it. The impulsive flare is gone and we young people will move once we catch a ¨good wave¨ to a better life, a future and an open minded culture. 

Honestly, I hope I am wrong in my analysis and that I one day find the elements I am looking for in my hometown. Still, I am afraid that I am correct in my assumptions. This is happening to a lot of smalltowns that have increasingly less to offer and do not keep up with developments in the world.

So far I am back for a few days and it is okay, but it does not feel like home. I miss my good friends, Dutch food, the world kitchen, other vegetarians, the ¨keuringsmerk¨ of the ¨dierenbescherming¨ on my groceries etc. Maybe it is dawning on me that this might be home for a while until I figure out my next move. I think once all my arrangements have been made with the move I will be able to continue on my book again and let my imagination take me to a inspirational  place kept safely in the back of my mind. For now though I will just enjoy being with my family, earning some money and getting my health and fitness back.

Wish me luck, come visit and ¨I´ll be backkkkh¨

xo Viking

Suntannes and goodbyes

Hello dear readers,

It has been an awesome journey and it seems it is coming to an abrupt end. Little over a month ago I would have thought it would end differently but I think deep down I also need a breather. 

This weekend I spent moving my stuff to Utrecht, they will stay there until I am ready to pick them up or ready to come back. Yet it feels like this is goodbye and I am not great with goodbyes as we all know. Me and my friends from Utrecht and Bussum went out in Utrecht and partied like there was no tomorrow (or at least until the Viking´s energy was drained and she got shipped back to bed in a taxi!):P Then we woke up the next morning to land ourselves on a beach to recover some vitamine D after a long cold winter. In 25-30 degrees we were stretched out as if nothing would ever change. Between hipsters, potheads, transvestites, business people, gay, straight and wonderfully different people we soaked up the sun in  sometimes silence next to the water and on occasion chatting away time. 

Next week will be one of emotions, because not only am I PMSing but I am freaking out about leaving these great people that I have in my life. Good friends don´t grow on any tree! And I am well aware of that and to me they are all I have in life right now and I am leaving them behind. It feels though and not in a good way. So I tell myself it is a 3 month holiday, a breather to find some answers as to how I will run my life. Even now, in this writing moment it feels wrong. I wish I could take them with me and unwrap them as I unpack in my hometown they would feel like little presents on Christmas eve! Yet no, not possible and that my dear readers, that sucks big time. 

Ha! Enough wallowing though! I am making the most of my last week in the Netherlands. I will see as many people that I can and say bye to all the things and people I will miss. This is why I eat lots of icecream on a warm day, I take pictures of my favourite moments (like a sunset landing on the grand Amsterdam Central station!) or go to my favourite beach in Bloemendaal when I can. Strolling in Utrecht the other day was amazing, we were walking for hours and just taking pictures of busy squares and the Dom tower that makes the accent of the city. 

    Photo by: Myself, Amsterdam Central, 2016

   Photo by: Myself- Utrecht Oog in Al, 2016

  Photo by: Myself- Utrecht Dom Tower, 2016

   Photo by: Myself- Amsterdam and the Nemo Science Museum, 2016

   Photo by: Myself- Bussum on Kings Day, 2016

It is weird to think that next Sunday me and my cat Freya will be a part of Norway and not the Netherlands. I will start working and figuring out the next steps ahead in life and it kind of feels like learning to walk all over again. Is this the moment that will define me or did it already pass?

I choose to think it is yet to come, but of course I could be wrong. Many have told me that I have the soul of a gypsy, I am a nomad and will probably never feel roots anywhere. Maybe they were right? I hope they are only partly so, because I would like nothing more that find a foundation to lean on right now, if only for a while so be it.

In all this I have both new and ¨old¨ friends to thank for all their support and hugs. Even though it is not the end of the world to move back home it is still something that is a big deal for me and something I would rather not do at this moment in time. I just need some time to figure things out and to find a career path I am happy with. Also family time will be much appreciated, but as I said the other day I need strange people and a good dose of weirdness surrounding me to feel at home! The Netherlands though also not perfect gave me that ! Artsy, quirky, ambitious and all the words in the world would not be enough to describe the broad spectrum of people I like to surround myself with.  We all need something and I , well I need that....many odd and wonderful individuals surrounding me! And if I did not say it already, to me odd and weird are the best of compliments you get from me, it means I like you HA! (Seriously!)

Anyway peeps, I gotta go sort out my life now! Will write when there is time :)

xx Viking