Amsterdam where the ¨sinners¨ and expats go....

Hey peeps,

It is almost Christmas, the time of year most of us love yet for those who know me I prefer Easter. Less pressure to be someone else then yourself in Easter and I like that. 

For most of you who know me you know Amsterdam might not be my favourite place to live yet there are things about this city that brings me back every time. For a starter I have friends there and it is close as well and there is a vibe in Amsterdam that I have yet to find anywhere else. Openness and opportunity and let us not forget beauty between the red light district and the scruffy coffee shops. The beauty is subjective of course, but to me it is that I can be myself there without any expectation to be different and the history that is connected to every street there. You can literately walk through the streets that Rembrant walked and see buildings that were still there back in the day. In those moments all the loud tourists disappear and I see moments in history instead as I listen to my music and just watch.

Another thing about this vibrant city are the quiet streets where the tourists do not come. It is where you walk past big royal looking windows in the dark and see a family that are eating dinner just like that on display. You see lovers strolling down the street hand in hand in the mere purity of silence both smiling. You see shades and lights dance across the canals whilst the scent of numerous restaurants blend with all the impressions. I watch, I see and let it play with my mind and then I let go. To me these strolls create an artwork only I can see and feel . And on a night I do not feel like getting inspired or reminded what and who I met with a year ago in these streets I put on a descent outfit and go out dancing the night away at Rembrandtplein or Leideseplein. The best way to get out of a rut is to dance until your feet hurt and then head home.

Yet every time I go to Amsterdam is different, nothing ever plays out the same and that is one of the many things I like about it. One time you might go for the art, the music, the historical parts, the rave or meet with friends, these are just some of the many different reasons to go there. Though I probably would not like to live there again due to the busy nature of the city I do like to keep it close as a reminder that no matter what people say or do it is ok to just be me with all the good and bad baggage I come with. They call it the city of sinners and maybe they are right, but I am just an expat chasing moments that make me happy and if that is a sin then so be it;)

  Amsterdam December 2015

x Viking

Christmas lights in Utrecht

Hello there peeps,

So I thought it was time to write about one of my spontaneous Sundays. It made a nice change up against recent emotional events to do something like this again.

I woke up Sunday feeling rather out of it, a restless feel was combined with a tiredness I had not felt in a while. So I started writing and then a friend texted me as it happens sometimes. He asked me if I wanted to go to Utrecht a bit later that very same day and suddenly I felt my tired face fold out in a smile. Come to think of it the weather was kind of awesome and Utrecht is very beautiful dressed in Christmas lights. This was exactly what I needed! So I quickly splashed some water in my face, exchanged my much beloved comfy PJ´s with some decent clothes and turned my nose in the direction of Utrecht central. As per usual I was a bit late as I have been since I arrived in the Netherlands 5 years ago (God it has been long!)

I jumped on the train to Amsterdam Central and continued my journey from there to Utrecht. When I arrived in the new station I felt a slight disorientation and not to mention I was overwhelmed by the masses of people. Strangely, I had forgotten how busy it gets around Christmas. Memories of when I first moved here came flowing and it felt like yesterday that I first arrived there with my ex 5 years ago. Since then so much has happened and now and then I wonder what would have happened if we never would have met. I certainly would not have been in the Netherlands, who knows if I would have stayed in the UK or not? Nostalgia sometimes gets the better of me when I go back to Utrecht. I think of the friends I made there and the friends I lost when shit hit the fan.

After a bit of orientation in the masses I found my friend and we headed for ¨de Binnenstad¨ (the centre) where we found the canals and the trees covered with lights. It felt very special to be there again and people were in a good mood. The atmosphere around Oudegracht was relaxed compared to the station and I could feel my chest slowly letting go of the built up tension I had felt the last few months. Though the nostalgia did distract me at times I still utterly enjoyed strolling through the streets looking at my friend getting excited about the lights and snapping pictures of it. As I was watching him do so it just felt like deja vu from 5 years before. Just swap out the photographer with a taller and more slender model and it would have had looked a bit like the young and naive couple who arrived in Utrecht 5 years ago without any clue how they would end up. 

After a bit of picture snapping we headed for some wine and coffee. Cafe de Zaak is a nice place where they serve quite ok wine and coffee is good too. As my friend was babbling about his new job I was quiet, letting the atmosphere of the city just take me back in time and for the first time since I left I let it be ok to do so. Knowing this might be my last year in NL is making me soft I think and certain things are easier to accept than others. As I was looking at the local rebel kids dancing to hip hop music and getting high outside the county council house and registering the older drug addict asking for 50cent my mind was travelling back to moments cherished in this city years ago with friends and close ones I had back then.

After some wines we were getting funny and hungry so decided to go to El Mundo for some tapas after another city stroll and Instagram moments. It was a giggle to see the face of my friend who is a Spanish Enthusiast when we stopped outside the tapas bar. Some people have this natural way of getting so happy for these little things, it makes me smile every time. As we walked into El Mundo another memory flashed through my mind making me smile. I remember my ex getting hit on by one of the male bartenders on our first date in Utrecht over here. I chuckled into thin air as the scent of Spanish food started invading my nostrils and I heard the door close behind me. Just like 5 years ago the bar is full and very warm, it almost feels like a bee hive but with people. There is a buzzing as people are talking enthusiastically over their wine and food and they are relaxing because it is almost Christmas and if everything is not sorted yet then ¨fuck it!¨...was the general feel of the crowd. My face is one big smile and I realize somehow I feel like the old lady who is watching other people do the same that she did years ago.

Of course we have to wait at the bar until there are seats free, then we order some very tasty tapas and more wine. From there the nostalgia fades and I paid more attention to the present as is the polite thing to do. I would not like to be rude after all, because it is not everyday a Dutch person invites me to be spontaneous! ;)

After the food it was already late and time to head home and considering I had not had a good night sleep in weeks and I was finally relaxed enough to get some it was back to Haarlem for me.

Utrecht will always hold a special place for me, maybe one day I move back though I am not sure....heck I am not even sure if I can stay in NL, but one thing I do know is that life will happen no matter where I am. And sometimes the unexpected turn will change your life so much and make you end up in places with people you might not have met otherwise. So let´s see what the new year will bring, I hope I can stay and if not then I will just have to take it as it comes.

                                             Utrecht a few years back.

Until next time peeps,

XViking

Honesty

Hello peeps,

It is strange isn´t it ? How one single sentence can change how you see something or how you feel. For months now I have been wrecking my brain to understand something that happened after summer break. I lost weight, felt horrible about life for the longest time trying to understand the whole ordeal and the people involved. So odd that I could not let go and move on, strange how depressed I felt for all this time just because this one decision someone made had felt like a waste.

Well today I got freed from my emotional hell and I knew it would change me but had no clue it would make me feel so relieved. Have you ever had that? Something nagging your brain to the point where it feels like bloody torture, people not being honest to you for ages and then finally you get that little piece of information you need to let it all go. From now on, I am a free Viking and I will leave the past in the past and forget this silly time I spent thinking way too much about some moment in my life where things were nothing but a lie.

No matter what happened to me I think that people who really care about me should respect me enough to be honest. Today  I finally got that honesty served so I could make my own choice and decide what to do with the truth that was given to me.

I have been served and though it hurt it was like ripping off a bandage, if only it had been done quickly in the first place I would have felt better much sooner. Let the new year come, I am so ready to start over :)

x tired Viking

Focus

Hi all,

It has been another long wait for another post here on blogger. I kind of lost my motivation to do a lot of things this year. Trying to balance all the stuff that I had to deal with both emotionally and in terms of work and writing. I shall not lie and say I am having an easy time, though sometimes I wish I could. Because most people just want to hear that you are doing well and that you are great. 

The cure? Well I have none other than trying to keep my mind busy with seeing new places in NL and meeting people that make me forget. But truth is, I lost so much this year that I am not sure how to feel completely okay again. I guess there is no other way than to take one day at the time (cliché yes, I know!). This year I have felt the pressure to be flawless and perfect more than once and to shut down my emotions, but for what ever reason the more I try to hide who I really am with flaws and all it just makes me painstakingly aware how imperfect I really am. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel like I am good enough. I have been on this planet for almost 29 years now and I can not remember a single day of feeling good enough for myself. Sure there have been people in my life that have made me feel good and happy, but deep down I am my own worst critic and oh how I wish this part of me could be deleted forever.

Anyway, I am getting too personal again when I should just tell you what I have been up to the last few weeks except feeling sorry for myself. So the last 2 weeks I had flu off and on, but between the fever rushes and feeling slightly better I went to this awesome street-art exhibition at Prinsengracht. I went with some Scandinavian friends and I am so glad I did, it was very inspiring to go there and the colours were amazing! 

This was just one of the many wonderful pieces we got to see.

Furthermore I have been to Amsterdam a fair bit catching up with old friends as I will do today as well. There is a light festival going on there right now which I will also go see next week I think with friends. Living in Haarlem makes for a really easy travel to Amsterdam so very happy with my location at the moment as it keeps me from just staying inside all day.

Other than Amsterdam I have been going a fair bit to Utrecht as well as Amersfoort to an artsy friend of mine since we did not see each other for quite some time this year. So in a sense I should not complain at all about life, I am blessed with good friends and lots of them seem to care about me. I am glad I have them in my life right now, because I have the feeling I will need them the coming time more than ever. 

Right now the goal is to regain focus of my life and not get distracted by inconvenient emotional attachments. I also want to focus more on my family, the part of it which is mending after all these years and it is finally becoming an important part of my life. Ideally I would like to stay in NL, it became my home for what ever reason and 2016 will let me see whether or not this will be possible. 

Too much has happened and maybe it is fair enough to throw in the towel and go back to Norway if it is going to be this difficult to find a job....but for whatever reason I want to stay. It simply feels right here. It must be the brilliant friends I have. I feel truly lucky to have met so many friendly and inspirational people on my journey. 

The thing about the Netherlands is; no matter if people are too direct sometimes because at least you can be yourself. If you ¨hit a curve¨ people will ask you about it and they will expect an honest answer. If you are down your real friends might tell you how they would rather see you deal with it BUT they will also let you know how important you are to them. I have lost many friends through the years, most of it was probably my own fault or a mere lack of keeping in touch when we needed each other the most.

People of the Netherlands are known to be quite open minded and after so many years abroad it feels like the only place I can be myself. In Norway, I will always be the Viking that had strong opinions, the complicated lass and the one that had a troubled childhood. Dreams and ambitions are not bad words in this country, as I have mentioned before you are praised to be ambitious and to strive to be better. No jantelaw here you guys ;)

Focus is difficult right now, but I will have to try so wish me luck.

xo

Viking