Breaking Patterns & Letting go

Hello dear readers,

After speaking to an old friend from my hometown I realized something that I sometimes tend to forget. That after all these years I did get somewhere, I became someone as I evolved. I am not talking about professional advances here, but more who I have become as a person and the journey I have made through all these years. 

There were times in my life when things were rough you see. Abuse was something I had to endure and so much so I had no clue how to live without it at some point. When it was gone from my life it left a void that was soon replaced with loneliness and self-hate. I tried to fill this void with physical work and helping others, any time of day I had was spent on these activities as well as studies. Because if I had only 1 hour alone I would start feeling something bad and I did not want that. With so many things keeping me busy I lost weight and I lost it fast. Getting compliments for being thin was something I had never experienced before and so slipping was too easy. After 4 years of overworking my body and hating it at the same time for not following my paste I broke down mentally and physically. I had to learn to live again and to find out what I was avoiding from my past that made me punish myself the way I did. It was a hard journey, a journey I am now writing a book about. Nevertheless, this journey thought me that I am not alone, not completely anyway. Millions of women and men focus their energy on an addiction. My problem was that having anorexia was accepted by society, it had a connotation of success attached to it and all I wanted was to not feel like shit so it was an easy road to walk down in hind-view. As the addiction twisted and turned me into a zombie I saw the faces of my family change from pride and joy to despair and I realised I was causing more pain than pride. Having the privilege to feel nothing when I was in that mode it took time before I realised that my life had value to someone and that my personality was not all that bad when I put it to good use. People came to me with their problems, I helped them and I enjoyed it. To see their faces change and to feel that my energy and life was useful in some way. When I got sick, real sick I could not help anyone...because in order to do so I needed to help myself. The challenge was to not feel bad about asking for help, to feel like I deserved this help...that was hard. Seeing my lovely granddad and grandma upset over my lack of kilos and health made me gather my very last strength to fight my disease or addiction (choose your definition..)

So many people struggle with addictions and breaking patterns. It is indeed difficult to let go of bad habits and emotions that seem to stick.Life has its ups and downs if we like it or not and some people have it easier than others. This does not mean they do not have problems, it just means they might have other means, paste or ways to deal with them. It is rather personal to write about these things, but then again a lot of people are going through similar things that i did 10 years ago. 

I now know that I have got strength from my recovery and an insight into how we humans are put together to cope with abuse or other types of stress. Once I gained weight and my organs started to function again the gibberish the doctors talked about started to make sense. Also the bad emotions were fading as I worked through them and got the tools to do so.

Yesterday I had a horrible day in terms of feelings. Confusion and chaos were the words that popped into my vocabulary at first. Still it feels weird to pack my boxes and bags, but I also find memories reminding me that after 10 years I am wiser, a better version of who I was back then and recovered from years of abuse. 

My dad said it once that I was too independent to reach out to as a child. Maybe I was or maybe I was scared to seem weak to other people, because where I came from your weakness was what got you into trouble. His statement got me thinking about a lot of things though. It can be hard to accept that people look at it like this or in a way that you don´t, but once I did I realized more about how my life and decisions looked to the outside world. It encourages me to be more open about what I went through an why. So far it has mostly just resulted in good responses. People who cannot handle that I went through something so difficult years ago or choose to walk away when I am open about it probably just have their own journey to endure before they can accept the concept of being human, of having gone through the emotions in different ways.

Looking back, I have achieved not only to break my unhealthy patterns and some of my addictions. But by doing so it led me onto an amazing journey. It has also led me to become more open, even though I might not always be great at explaining every detail. It takes time to feel comfortable with a time in my life I am not proud of, but by the looks of it was probably necessary to survive what I had to endure for so long. 

I am not saying I do not have any ¨mountains left to climb¨ but I do think ¨mount Everest¨ has been put behind me never to be climbed by me again. Next chapter can begin and I hope that it will lead me onto an awesome road. And to all those out there who has yet to climb Everest, I am here to talk to should you need it :)

xx Viking

3 more weeks

Hi folks,

The timer is ticking, the boxes are filling up and I feel chaotic, as if all the dust is kicking up memories that only cause to more confusion. Memories from my studies, from 5-6 years ago and memories of a life that does not feel like mine. Finding pictures and letters, books with signatures and items once connected to a time in my life that feels like a vague dream now. Yet they are my memories to hold and it feels strange to leave these behind and close the door behind me. I told a friend I feel like I am stuck in an emotional Limbo where I cannot decide to really let go of all these years and start fresh or if I have a choice at all to do so. 

Living abroad has changed me and without it who am I? Am I a failure? Am I weak? I was the European gipsy, the nomad without any strings attached, without back-ups and yet not really someone special in that. When I look ahead it is scary but not only, I also see the possibility of new beginnings and blank sheets. The opportunity to get to know myself stripped down to the mere bones. Something I have not really done the last 10 years. 

First I was the perfectionist with control issues, then the perfectionist student,  the aspiring documentary maker, the animal welfare advocate, the ''aspiring to be perfect'' girlfriend and then I was the nomad....

Now, with all that gone....who am I?

One step in front of the other I tell myself, first priority is health now and getting back into shape. Finding a job to get back on my feet and finishing my book. I tell myself all these things and yet there is a fear of becoming isolated and alone and getting stuck in a lifestyle I do not want which is silly I suppose. Because I decide which way to go right? Another 3 weeks will pass by like grains of sand in the wind and I feel like all I am doing is lagging behind, standing still at my beach just hoping thing will sort out. Most people who know me will know me as a busy bee, always keeping a high paste and sorting things out, always trying to avoid disasters and aiming to build something great. Behind all that there is just a soul standing still in her mind, on that beach as the grains seek contact with my cheeks. I know I have given my all in what I had set my mind to and I hope that this failure I have encountered will be a sign that it was not meant to be. Emotional limbo so be it, it is always hard to say goodbye to a lifetime of memories and hopes. It is always difficult to let go of a life and  to hold together in the seams when so many things are happening around me... at times I feel like it is okay for other people to make mistakes or to stumble through emotions, just not me. I really dislike stumbling. making mistakes and to fail. 

Hopefully this is something that will pass once I have landed in the mother country and found my base again. So weird to start over again at this age but hey, I know I am not the only one and that helps. This upcomming week will be spent packing and sorting stuff mostly and the week after is for more goodbyes and walks down memory lane.

Until Next Time Peeps,

xx Viking

Bio Restaurant Recommendation for Vegetarians!

Heeeey good folks,

So yesterday some friends of mine and I went to this restaurant in Utrecht called GYS! It is a biological restaurant with a lot of vegetarian dishes. It is not only cheap and filling but the food was well presented and very tasty as well! I had a vegetarian Wellington pastry with a salad. Instead of meat they had used lentils and onion, smoked mushrooms and lovely herbs and seeds to add nice taste to it. 

It was quite a popular place as well, all kinds of people seemed to be there. The restaurant had an industrial yet green vibe to it. The light bulbs were filled with plants and moss and the colours were bright yet soothing. A bit hipster like place but pure in atmosphere and the Chardonnay was divine as well! We chatted for hours while devouring our vegetarian and vegan meals and watching bypassers and cute couples flirt on the outside dining area. Whilst Utrecht is not well-known for good service when it comes to dining out, my friends and I got excellent service over there. The waitress was quick to ask us if we needed anything when our plates were empty. 

           Picture from GYS in Utrecht (Voorstraat 77) found via Google 2015.

It was a nice evening, a lot of laughter and I was so tired from my part-time job that one glass of wine did the trick of making me tipsy hahaa. Then 'chatterbox' Annie was back in play.... always embarrassing to look back at that. As I was sitting there watching my friends talk I again realised how much I will miss this. Exploring vegetarian restaurants, chatting with friends, enjoying life together. 

All of the sudden Jessie suggested to share the grand dessert and my healthy day had been going south anyway so I agreed. For me though the dessert was my least favourite part, but definitely recommend the breakfast, lunch and dinner menu! There was a vegan burger on the dinner menu that my vegan friend ordered and Jessie she had a quinoa risotto (vegetarian). This is the type of life I want to live, spontaneously deciding to go dine with friends one evening at a new place we have not been before and be positively surprised by both service and food and atmosphere. In any case, GYS has my full recommendation for vegetarian people and people who only eat biological.

xx Viking 

Getting side-tracked again

Hello good folks,

I hope all of you had a nice weekend. I sure did despite the fact that I had to meet up at my part-time job today, buuut it was ok. Life has suddenly gotten busy these days making arrangements for the move but also meeting up with people who are important to me here in the Netherlands. 

Yesterday I went with a good friend to the nature reserve of Het Gooi. I have been there many times before and I love it. The fresh air grabbing my lungs and forcing them to breath deep and discard Co2. The colours of the heathland looks amazing this time of year as everything is slowly coming to life.  If you are a nature person stuck in busy city life in the Netherlands or just a tourist looking for a nice environment to walk or run in then this is a place for visiting. Right next to the entrance alongside the main road there is also a restaurant/café called la Place. Coffee there with this amazing view in front of you after a walk is an experience worth the trip and time.

Time in this country is definitely money spending time outside I truly believe is equally important. The health of a person declines significantly if every moment is spent working or being inside. Seeking a sort of refuge in nature and moving our bodies just for the sake of feeling alive and to work through some emotions and to get the blood flowing is plenty enough reasons to just do it. A lot of us need to think in perspective, not planning everything to a T but daring to live in the moment. We never know just what can happen all of the sudden.

After coming home to the house I spent some time to land and cuddle and play with my cat Freya. She is doing great and like a flower she is opening up more and more every day. I can pick her up now and cuddle with her and she starts purring and pushing her head against my noose. To think that this cat could tear people open if people got to to close or just run off in pure panic in June 2015 is amazing. Because now she is still shy but rather seems to enjoy attention from me.  She used to be scared of cat toys and sudden movements, all kind of noises were reason enough to stay in her carrier for up to 3 hours without moving an inch just out of fear.

Now she is curious, she plays with her toys happily and cuddles and playtime is not scary anymore. At night she curls up on my lap and falls asleep soundly. She snorrs a little which is funny because I used to always say...that when dating someone if they snorr this is a dealbreaker :P Well how ironic then that my cat snorrs with a peeping noise on exhale. Her noose is like a whistle hehehe so if I fall asleep first it is usually ok. One gets used to things and she brings me so much joy, This cat fits my life perfectly, because I learn things from her and this may sound strange but she knows exactly when I am having a crapshit day. She walks over to me sits next to my leg and dumps her back alongside my leg and purrs her way to my heart.

I like my cat, no I love her deeply. In an odd way it is like my child (not being anthropomorphic here just saying;), it feels like I am her protector and that she is what helps me pull myself together and feel good when that sort of thing might be needed. Her piercing yellow gaze has the ability to turn my moody days into a good day. Funny this effect that animals have on me, I find it very interesting how they can read me so well but people can more often not. Maybe I am more animal than person? Acting on instincts more then rational computerized mind?  I am not sure but, what I do know is that I always had a connection with animals and that I feel more at ease in nature and amongst them then with people. Yet I would not say that I am like the wolf man or something like this, no I do find human behaviour distinct from any other species and very interesting to analyse and I must admit, I like humans as well ;) Animals just read me easily and so it makes it less complex to make myself understood with them. In the beginning of my 20s my interest in human behaviour grew. I found myself asking questions about communities, cultures and individuals that in the past I was less aware of. In fact I used to not care, I was too busy surviving and observing the other living creatures I surrounded myself with. 

But look at me babbling on, I mean this post was supposed to be about my lovely Saturday walk and a little bit about my cat hehehe. Getting side-tracked tends to be what I do in this blog as well as when I have conversations with people I have been told. Oh well, things are busy and I feel very tired at times so when I write my mind takes off and my fingers race across the keyboard. Distracting me from the fact that I am leaving the Netherlands in less than a month (terrified). The good point to all of this is that I am getting in touch with people I have not been talking to in waaay way too long. It makes me a bit excited as well in a way to know that something new is beginning. I will miss the Netherlands even so and some people I really really care about. But I am looking forward to visit and see them as often as I can.

Take care peeps.

xx Viking and Freya

Contrasts

Hello good folk,

I had to laugh today when I saw a post my dad shared on facebook. The local newspaper was writing about how our home-town will get a new cash-point one of these days. In contrast the Dutch newspapers today amongst other subjects writes about the interrogation of another terrorist...science behind curing different types of cancer....about everyday heroes etc. 

After 8 years abroad with all sorts of things happening everywhere and events unfolding making me feel scared but also alive I wonder how it will when I go back to the town where new ATMs are the most exciting news there is to be found ;) I was joking (not about the ATM!) I should make the local news then, because even though I am not the most interesting person in the world, I tend to end up in the middle of things and maybe I´d make the local news hahahahaah! I sure should ;)

But seriously guys and girls, how will I survive this boring city for months? I really hope I get a visit every month to survive the ¨safeness¨ of the city.  Sure, living abroad away from family and friends in Norway was not always a ¨dance on roses¨. Most of times it was damb hard not to have home to turn to. But like my dad has said many times before, I was always used to manage on my own. Miss Independent is a nickname many have given me and at times it is a blessing but at the same time it is ¨a bit double¨ as they say in the Netherlands. Because at times it was also a lonely way of life and hard as well. Like with any personality trait there are good and bad sides to it. The Dutchies have shown me a great deal of directness and along with it I have learned that even if they are a proud and stubborn kind, they have thought me it is okay to accept help spmetimes Even more so, it is normal here than you now and then receive a helping hand.

I am scared to go back to Norway, because I am still not that good at asking for help when I need it. Here in the Netherlands I have friends that see it, even if I protest and say I will be fine...people close to me here, they tell me to stop being stubborn and accept their gesture and care. It is different back home, few people understand me like my friends here do. I value them so highly that leaving them feels like leaving family. Because they are the family that I choose and they choose me. That is the thing, I never needed to prove myself to them, not at all. Being who I am was just enough and also there was a sense of simply understanding each other even without words at times. 

Though I refuse to be sad right now, it will be okay to go back. I am already trying to make some plans to keep my busy and making it worth the trip back. Thinking if I have a goal with it all it will not be a bad thing. I certainly will do everything in my power to make a Norwegian summerhouse happen for me and all my international friends :D As I said in my earlier post there is also a great deal of pros going back home. Family, Norwegian friends and also the opportunity to starting my own business actually getting paid a NORWEGIAN motherfooo salary! Yeah baby! No more half-decent salary or pocket-sand at the end of the month! ;) Sorry Holland I will not miss the ridiculous salaries I got here ;)

I will miss the total disregard of humbleness. When it comes to the Dutch dream, because if there is one thing the Dutchies have thought me it was to throw the Jantelaw out the window and to dare to dream big. So what if it does not work out, at least you tried and it got you somewhere, it thought you something! :)

But hey, May is drawing near and I guess I will be the lucky girl trying out the new ATM in Odda in the very near future. The paparazzi better prepare for some pretty crazy shit..I will draw that cash like it was no tomorrow and spend it on the club that is not there ;)

Wish me luck sweethearts heheeh. I think I will need it!

x Viking

Waves

Sometimes when I am in Zandvoort or Bloemendaal my thoughts take my feet down to the grainy sand. I am not quite sure what it is, but there is on occasion a need to reflect on the past and present as well as the decisions I have made in life and what could have been had I been somewhat wiser with my choices.

As the cold wind presses against my pale and and wary skin that has rejected caress too many times to be counted, I feel as if I can let go. As I let my feet carry me and make visible tracks of my existence along the edge of the water I remember things I pressed away. Since I sometimes go early mornings to see the sunrise I feel no need to contain my inner unease should I feel it.

It is something about feeling the elements of this earth hit me with a power only mother nature can create. As if she is reminding me that I am alive and that I need to foresee my road ahead. I think about whatever my brain or heart needs to deal with and I find some kind peace or keep some kind of reckoning of what I have done and from that what I have learned.

When I walk along that beach without any person in sight and the sounds of the waves repetitively and increasingly washing across the footprints I already left in the sand I can laugh about the silliness and funny moments I have had with people and I can cry if I need to. Because the judgement of people is far away, fake friends are far away and real ones are not going to get worried about seeing my messy self before I collect my thoughts and turn back.

With the increased use of social media as a channel to share feelings or opinions grows the judgement from others. People who has not been a part of your journey, people who do not have a slightest interest to be a part of it because all they really want is to make an opinion about you and to be angry or annoyed at something or someone who are not like them. Making an opinion about these kind of people is easy, but looking at my own retrospect is somehow less endurable. Does that make me a bad person? I gather it does not, yet sometimes I wonder. Why does a part of me sting when I find out that someone makes an effort to hate the things I do?

As I find it more and more appealing to walk along the beach or seek nature to contemplate these things instead of writing online about it I do gather I could stop writing all together. Stop sticking my head out in the quest to still the chatter and gossip that has always surrounded me. But then I question, if it was already there before facebook, before instagram and before blogs were ever created....will it really stop? Should I care or should I just accept that it hurts a bit and move on and focus my energy on the things that make me move forward?

It seems like an easy enough choice and it is. Yet I catch myself too often thinking about it and pondering what steps to make next. After all, in the end our footprints in the sand will not last forever so will it matter to fight the gossip? Will it matter if I have fun playing at the water edge for a while without writing about it?  

We all have our places or manners to deal with insecurities and the events we have and may encounter. I go to the beach sometimes or just seek comfort in the natural world wherever I am and yes I write. Not to catch people´s interest or because I think I am awesome or very important. It is an inner need to describe what I see and distinguish my feelings from reason. It has always been in me and if people choose to read it, this would be their own choice. If anyone finds any help or gather any greater knowledge or joy from what I write that would be a nice compliment, but it is not always my goal in writing. It is simply to write. We all have our own way and this is mine.

xx Viking

As the boxes and memories get packed...

Hello there,

Many of you know that I have lived in the Netherlands over 5 years now. 21st of March 2011 I arrived and despite having lived abroad in the UK for 3 years as a student I had NO IDEA what to expect. Sure I read about the Dutch culture and tried learning the language without luck (there was no Dutch teachers in  my hometown). But I was nowhere near prepared. 

Little did I know I would be moving to a country where capitalism would define who you are and what you are entitled to in your community. I struggled to adapt to a world where money matters that much, because believe it or not, I am just a girl from Norway who is not focused on capital but intellect and goodness of a person.  I left Norway thinking that my good intent, motivation and love for someone and of course the sense of adventure would be enough. That my personal attributes would be enough for not only the man I left my comfortzone for but for the new country I was moving to. I had heard of and visited the liberal city of Amsterdam and I had seen other cities as well here in the Netherlands before I went. 

I was green, foolish to think my fairytale would end happy. Because I was met with a attitude that being me was simply put: NOT ENOUGH! What was my plan? Had I applied to jobs already? How much was I planning to earn? I would have to settle with a low-paid job right, since I was a foreign person?! How did my CV look?! Did I already have interviews?!  This was my first week in the Netherlands, even the 2nd day I had these questions thrown at me. There I was having worked my behinds off for years, working and studying without holidays for almost a decade and then I get asked to answer such questions straight away when I finally have landed next to the man I had been separated from for almost 6 months. I wanted a week of peace, because yes I had applied to jobs when in Norway next to working 2 jobs to pay for my first months in the Netherlands but I needed to land a bit mentally. I needed to spend some time and tend to the relationship. I was not allowed to and we all know it ended by now.

It felt like I was not enough, not rich enough to deserve to stay, to be with him or to even be entitled to apply to jobs which were actually in my field. Unless I had an awesome businessplan and means to ensure me lots of revenue fast to be important enough to be cared for. This is how it felt and THAT pressure was immense, I got stressed and I felt abandoned by the one that was supposed to support me and be there. Suddenly I realized it was not just him, but the system of which the Netherlands works by. It was a part of a capitalistic model that has been in place since WW2 but even before that. Examples are given all through Dutch history, unless you have lots of money you have few rights to feel special, but if you do your world is golden, your opportunities are plentiful. 

Health care is the same, if you have little or no money your health system is pretty much non-existent (unless you count the 10 Euro advise for paracetamol against every possible disease you may or may not have). And unless you have been really sick and without a job in the Netherlands you would not know what I am on about. 

In work situations I believe in motivating people with positive reinforcement, team building and good communication. I have seen it work and I expect that any capable manager or supervisor will respect their team enough to treat them more or less like equals or important pieces of a big puzzle they are trying to make great together. But that is not how it works here, not even close. It is mostly capital ran motivations that count, putting people under immense pressure and that results in burnouts at a rate you would not believe. I think they called it the new 'folk-epidemic' because never before has the amount of people been this young when getting a burnout and there are so many! Pressure is high unless you have money and the right contacts to make that pressure go away. 

Here are the trigger points for me moving back home. Because though I love the Netherlands for its liberal way of life and incredible melting pot of people. And even if I like that the Dutchies encourage you to make big plans and dream big it only goes so far...... it only goes for those who have the means. I could go in more detail on this but I will not, the post will just become too darn long and it calls for a somewhat slower heart-rate to be honest.

I have learned a lot from my 5 years in the country though. Capitalistic social models aside, I have learned that Dutch people are social creatures that makes things happen. I have learned that once you get past the directness and seemingly cynical side of the culture there are some people who are not like that at all and these people are so great and important to get to know. These people are the people that became my friends. I have also met more cultures in this country than I will ever meet anywhere I think. To be more open and not 'typical Norwegian'' has been a work in progress for me since I came. It has been difficult at times because even for a Norwegian lass I have been through quite a bit in my life that has made me rather closed in ways difficult to put into words. I have learned that systems and models are not that easily changed, just because I feel different does not mean it will make a difference. A sad lesson was that I cannot follow my heart anymore, but I need to put my common sense first to find my path in life. Only then I will feel comfortable enough to share life with someone else.Furthermore, I have learned to observe and not take things for granted, because people are not always as they seem or say. Actions speak louder than words, I always knew that but then again one needs to see it and experience it to really know the deeper meaning and the absolute pureness of the truth behind it.

I have learned that a story has more than one or two sides and that sometimes it is just too damb easy to say something is right or wrong. In a sense I have also learned that the energy I used to spend on people who hurt me was not worth spending. More importanly , living in the Netherlands taught me it is ok to dream big and that if there is a negative angle to a story there is bound to be a positive side to it as well.

Though certain sides of the Dutch system have great flaws indeed, I found in all the good and bad it has taught me to see things in context and to be fair and clear regarding the choices I made myself. For this was a life experience I would have not been without. The travels, the friends and the great smiles and laughter exchanged over a nice meal in original bars or restaurants all over the Netherlands. The funny evenings in Amsterdam without plans nor goals beyond a good time and hip-hop dancing through the night. To put words to my feelings or at least trying to, has materialized through this blog while I was abroad and I dare say experiences (both ups and downs) have been shared through my writing.

Needless to say I will make the most of these last weeks in the Netherlands. And I will not say for certain if I will stay in Norway or move abroad again, because if an opportunity bids and I have an urge for another adventure I might just act upon it. Only next time I will be somewhat wiser and base my decisions on a better analysis of the situation at hand.

x Viking