It is only human

Dear Reader,

This week was shorter than normal yet it felt longer because I have embarked on a new job which has a lot of training in admin systems and  animal diagnostic equipment as well as lab-accessories. Do not get me wrong, I really love the challenge and the fact that the company really takes care of its employees, I like that it is international as well yet I put a lot if not all of my energy into it, it is much tougher than I had expected. I did not expect it to be easy, just a tiny bit less exhausting.

Additional to this very obvious investment of energy and time I faced other situations this week which claimed its share of me as well. A lot is going on behind the scenes, I have people in my life scrutinizing my every step. We all know people like this of course, those who try to get under your skin. Deep down I do however have faith in that these people are in this world to teach me and others something. 

You see even super smart people can be like this, carving into your brain and looking down on you, making you doubt if you are good enough or smart enough, yet this particular activity is something even people with a low IQ can do. Sometimes people get me wrong or shares their thoughts of me to others even when these are incorrect I wish it did not affect me but all too often it does. It takes a lot of energy to put it aside and try to ignore it. If people like that were less fortunate as far as intelligence goes I could easily have put it aside and just excused it. Why? At least they have an excuse I guess. Someone once told me, Annie do not spend so much energy on people that want to hurt you or that act like idiots. I admit this person is right, at least partly and yet sometimes it costs we a lot of energy to bite my tongue ...to just be quiet when people are acting unfair, unreasonable or insulting. I am learning to retain the urge to answer back even if it might seem right to me. It is something everyone have to go through once in a while. Still, when I take a step "out of my box" in order to look at this from a different angle I realize that despite my best intentions I can sometimes seem harsh and unreasonable as well.

Let me explain. It can be difficult to understand how you make other people feel. No matter how hard you try or want to be nice the misinterpretation of communication and the person behind the words you can never be entirely right. Even a super-smart person poking me or being pushy with his or her opinions (seen from my angle)  are not able to understand me completely. Heck they might not even want to understand me! All they see is my mirror of what I think I see and how that makes me feel even if I am not aware that I do this. And humans try to mirror each other endlessly in order to fit in or ¨fight¨ to protect themselves. So with the reactions I project as a response to what I think I see or to certain things that annoy me I am in fact making an avalanche of mirror behaviour! So does this mean I should blame myself endlessly (like I sometimes to do) or are there other ways to deal with it? 

Well I can tell you I am still trying to find a balance. I suppose I am rather sensitive without clearly expressing that I am. Sometimes it has its advantages and other times...well it makes it an even bigger challenge to let go of certain situations with people that to me seem mean and inconsiderate and if I may say so rather anti-social.... (ranting altert!)

Moving abroad has certainly made me understand  that these situations can occur anywhere, anytime and to anyone. Sometimes small changes in our own behaviour can make other people adapt their own ways of conduct whilst others will stick to their ¨guns¨. We are only humans and not everyone change for the greater good of those around them. AND even-though I tend to over-think these things I do wish (especially on days like these) I had the key to solve these challenging situations to make the best outcome for everyone.

xxx Viking

Open-minded Viking?

Dear readers,

Many of you already know that I am an expat and that I have been for more than 7 years of my life. One would assume that I was an open minded person to begin with (as did I!) yet after so many years abroad I think that is not entirely true. 

You might wonder, why does it matter? Do we really need to be so open to the world? If so then what is it to be open minded?

Well I do not have all the answers in the world nor do think I will ever. What I can share is how traveling and moving around the world has opened my eyes and mind more and changed me in so many more ways than what I thought possible. My first move across boarders was of course to the UK. I was going there to do my Bachelor degree and by then I thought myself really smart and a weeee bit scared..... I was ¨Miss Smartiepants¨ who thought I knew exactly what I wanted to be and what to expect. I thought myself a flexible and open person and boy was I wrong! The culture in the UK was rather easy to get used to (everything except the excessive drinking and party-dresses....or what do you call shreds of fabric?). My classmates were all very nice. I truly miss almost every person I studied with, because each of them thought me a lot about myself. I realized very soon that most of them knew much more than me and were super smart. In fact I realized how much education I had actually missed out on and that I was slower then these brilliant Britons. So I decided to put all my hard efforts into catching up on ¨smartness¨. After 6 months I got my grades back for the first term and it was devastating! After all the long nights and tiresome days with my nose in books and writing one long assignment with word counts after the other I honestly thought I would have caught up with the smart Britons or at the very least that I got close.... no such luck I am afraid. I suffered my first academic defeat! I was broken (hahah really!) and as the little girl I was I thought I wanted to give up and go back to safe Norway because after almost no sleep for months my mind was collapsing into nothingness. Looking back on it now I think of it as a funny matter. Back then however it took me a lot of strength to get back in the saddle and to try even harder. It felt impossible, but once I did loosen up my act just a little and put some fun into my study and not just wake-less nights in my room I did my work much better. I started making friends and to quiet down in class just to listen more. I never did become the best in my class (something that seemed important to me at the time) but I did however get better. It would take me some years after graduation to realize that improving is always a nice step in the right direction.

So after 3 years in England I figured I was an open minded person (you see a lot in 3 year on campus and in Essex in general believe me!) So going to the Netherlands to work and live was surely not gonna make a lot of difference right?? :P Hahahahaha well again miss I-know-it-all was wrong you see! Today i just read an article about how Norwegians have very strict expectations to how people should behave (tightness). We expect people to follow the rules or general norm in a proper fashion along with other countries such as  Pakistan, India and South Korea (Michele J. Gelfand et al, 2011). In countries such as Brazil or the Netherlands people are more ¨loose¨ about it.  So with this in mind you can imagine how ¨prepared¨ I was for a ¨loose¨ culture such as the Netherlands. Sure I had been abroad, yet I think the English culture is still a bit more similar to the Norwegian one. 

My first year in the Netherlands was ...well different than what I had pictured. I felt awful when I had a bad experience because I would be sure that someone would tell me I could JUST DRAG MY SORRY ASS BACK TO NORWAY if I did not like it. As you might know I am not really a crier at all...but my first year in NL...I cried.... all the time. I dreaded going to work and I was very close to trowing in the towel again. It was not the resistance but the difficulty to explain myself and communicate and to understand how different Dutch people are compared to us Norwegians where to ¨place¨ these differences. Yet I decided to crack on and try to learn Dutch to the point where it was fluent. I figured once that was sorted I would start finding the Netherlands a bit more friendlier and be able to udnerstand the country better. I gave myself pep-talks in front of the mirror ¨You know Anniee (italian accent) this is nothing to worriii about...yo will be fine and once yo show dooos punks what yo can do..mmmm then it will be much better.....you need to speak the lingo ....":P Yeah I know it is silly but imagine me with the Godfather accent just cheering myself up there all alone with a swollen teary face behind a locked bathroom-door. Luckily this did not last too long, but at least the 1st year I can say that I really struggled to adjust. 

But when did it change and what helped me open my mind to such a different culture? Well the main thing was that I had to learn the language and find a job where people were willing to give me time to learn. I started making friends and thus speaking more and more Dutch. I worked in different places and learned that not all companies are the same (DUH!). It helped on the motivation to discover this and get other much more pleasant experiences at work. One thing I did that really helped was to connect with people from couch surfing and the Norwegian society here in the Netherlands. I did this to get the expat view on the culture and to learn that I was not alone in my ups and downs. Until this day I am so happy I did because I made friends for life and I finally started to understand more about cultures and especially my own. It was not so strange anymore that I felt a bit ¨lost¨ in fact I was normal (THANK GOD!) ...well at least as normal as this Viking can be. From a personal perspective you do not need to be open minded to go somewhere or even live there...obviously since you have many cultures that isolate themselves and maintain old traditions arising from their ¨mother land¨ or religion.  Yet I think that it is important to seek out situations that challenge your own views and traditions as well as culture when you step onto new land so to speak. As an expat you will always have your own culture close to your heart, you will compare every other culture to that of course. What do I do with the new cultures I encounter and struggle with? Well I try to take a look and learn from it. By looking at useful and good things about a culture or try to turn it around to positive learning moments and discard then things that I really am against in a culture, or at least let it pass without spending too much energy on it. A medal always has two sides to it and I search for the good stuff that is more useful to me. The Dutch culture is very direct compared to mine, it is something that can be both good and bad. You hear this a lot and what I find nice about directness is: I can adjust easier if I get direct feedback and if I do not like what is being said I can remove myself from that situation or ask what they actually find good about what I am doing if there is too much criticism. Instead of guessing what people think of me I get will know almost instantly when I meet them. Another thing I heard a lot when people criticized me or gave me harsh feedback the 1st year and if it upset me was ''well I was just saying this to help you!¨ and indeed helping is one way of looking at it. Being Norwegian I felt awful telling them that HELP is meant to make people feel better or save them from a nasty situation that can potentially be life threatening ! (no pun intended) Once I managed to formulate and stand up for my own view and still be open to that of others I think I found some grounding for myself. You do not always have to agree or be defensive as long as you know what you believe in and that there are plenty of different opinions out there.

As you can see it took me time to find a balance and figure out how to be open-minded but at the same time set my own limits to what I would allow. Because being open-minded does not mean you should just sit down and let people run all over you. I think to be open-minded is not a state but more a process that is ongoing. No matter who you are and where you are from you might think yourself open-minded compared to someone or some other culture but within only you know your own limits and how to stretch them. In order to create balance we need to know when it is okay to set limits and when to remove them. By getting to know yourself and your own culture better you can better deal with challenges in other cultures.

At least that was my take on it, of course it could be you disagree. Feel free to write a bit about your own views or experiences surrounding this topic. I always find it interesting to know more about how other people experience situations. 

x Viking