Hidden Heroes

Dear Readers,

Today I would like to write about something slightly different than I normally do. It is not so much about cultural differences but more about cultural similarities or more accurate...about humans. Somehow I ended up in conversations today that all kind of revolved around how you ¨see¨ people and then how you truly see them once you get to know them better.

People you work with though smiling from ear to ear or being strong headed and at times stubborn, they are all people with stories. People you meet for the first time with awesome personalities or not so awesome personalities. They all have a story, a life line already lived. Some people choose to laugh about their issues whilst others hide them. Some are silent in their suffering and some are more open and others...well others they shout. There is no right or wrong way, just the rippling effect of words and actions on the world around us, the repercussions of our actions. What one chooses to share and the things we chose to hide deep within. Feelings, memories and bad decisions ....all too easy not to talk about unless in a situations were we can laugh about them together because we had similar experiences which makes us ¨more normal¨ in the eyes of the masses.

Every person I ever met has had hard times in their life. Young and old it does not matter, they all have been through something who made their character what it is today. What fascinates me so much about people is how some might have pretty much the same upbringing and then still end up so very different as they leave their home. I admire people who are strong and kind despite their struggles in life and people who stand their ground despite having had the ground crumbling beneath their feet more than once. People who can understand other peoples views, opinions and actions despite not being met with the same understanding themselves. I almost envy their perseverance and consistency as I do not have it in times when I wish to possess such ¨superpowers.

I know people who have been raped, beaten, abused in horrible ways, seen family get killed or worse in front of them, I know people who live or have lived with addictions, constant pain or illness yet still they smile every-time I meet them. And then they ask me how I am doing (of all people!). My life is really not that interesting! I know people from all kinds of cultures and they all have been through a lot. More than I could ever fathom. These kind of people who are my heroes everyday as they smile to the world and by just being an inspiration for me become a better person.

People leave tracks on my soul, whether is in good or bad ways. They are all carved into me one way or the other. Not sure how to explain that in any other way, but I wish that my emotions did not always get the best of me honestly. If I was more like my inspirations in my everyday then I know things might have been different. Everyday I work on myself, yet I have a long way to go before I can really look at myself and think...yes I am proud of myself. It will come I hope, but looking around me at people I think I have such a long way to go.

Sleep tight peeps! 

xX Viking! 

Delft

Hi Peeps,

This weekend has been busy and keeps me busy though I can feel the flu creeping into my throat, head and nose. Flatmate has it so I guess I am next right. Anyway enough about that, I went traveling this weekend. Went to Delft and today I am heading to Amsterdam to meet up with a friend. 

This time in Delft I really got to see the city center and wow it is old, classic and beautiful! The old church 'Oude Jan' is pretty impressive with the tower leaning to one side just like the leaning tower of Pisa except it is not that famous though definitely worth seeing.  Though I went to Delft before it was mostly the new station and a neighborhood I saw. This time a friend of mine showed me the city center and told me what places was worth visiting. Willem van Oranje used to live there and he also got assassinated there in his home. An important Dutch guy from the history books you better look up ;) 

You see Willem helped fight off the Spanish king an his army back in the 1500-1600ś and he was later named Willem the Prince of Orange. He was the leader of the revolt and for the Dutch the reason why they are neither Spanish nor too Catholic anymore. It was gastly business to be a believer of any other faith than Catholicism before Willem helped to fight off the Spanish king and give people the freedom they clearly needed and wanted. There were public beheadings of Calvinistic people and their leaders, no freedom of faith as they would say in English before the Prince of Orange started fighting off the Catholic regime. There are books just dedicated to Willem Prince of Orange and it is a very interesting and cool story to read about so no joke that you should read about it! 

Anyway Willem moved to Delft in 1572 and made the Prince's Court over there as it was the safest city of the the Netherlands at the time with a good defense. His royal successors are buried in Delft as well in Nieuwe kerk. I found it very interesting to learn and as I was strolling up the street towards the place where he was put to rest the world stood still and I was alone with the history of the place for a moment. I pictured how it must have been like standing in that exact place more than 500 years ago and how dangerous the world was back then. Leaning on the bricks that protected the royal family back when royals still fought for their people and their country the way the young the young heroes must have done back then just took me back in time for a little moment. 

After the history lesson I went out in Delft and I was surprised how much fun that was. They really have a night life over there. Most of the bars seem to be named after a church or a Willem of Orange but despite that it is remarkable lots of places you can go to get nice drinks and grounded locals to chat with. Service was really good as well, I never had to wait long like I would in Utrecht or Amsterdam, the waitress or bartender was quick and very polite and lets not forget friendly.  For anyone with a nose for history and that likes to travel around the Netherlands then go to Delft and really take a historical tour through the streets. Totally distracted me from the worries of the world and sucked me into the world of history and gore for a while. Definitely need to go again, yet I had someone recommend some cities in Belgium yesterday. Was told if I liked Delft there are some places in Belgium that can even top that. I know someone i Belgium that I was thinking of visiting anyway so maybe this not such a bad idea after all. It is a plan in the making in any case.

More traveling awaits the Viking and I can not wait to write about it!

x Viking

Willem van Oranje (Google)

Dreaming of Destinations

Dear Readers,

Autumn has recently grabbed a hold of the Netherlands and it seems so long ago since summer passed already. Almost like it never happened.... 

This week has been fully booked again. Traveling around NL this weekend to meet with friends I have not seen in a while. Slowly things are getting back to normal over here and I can breathe and look ahead. Next week is already filling up and so I guess I will see very little of home that week as well. Today I came across an article about a library in Prague which I really would love to visit! It is called the Klementium Libary and it is the perfect excuse to book a weekend in Prague for January.

    Sean Yab (via Pulptastic, 2015): Klementium Libary

Wednesday I had a meeting with my landlord after work which needed to be done since the house is like a sinking boat in terms of leaks. It went better than expected, the owner even brought us flowers and was really friendly. The real-estate guy seemed happy about the meeting as well. I think I am slowly getting the hang of the Dutch directness finally ! I just hope I will not become rude in the process hahaha but I think my Norwegian friends already find me a rather blunt little lass after more than 4 years with Dutch influence. Yet being direct is maybe a better approach for me in the long run. That way nothing is left unsaid and though the truth is not always comfortable to be confronted with it might just be a better approach for me.

The cold air and darker days somewhat hardens me. It brings a kind toughness with it to prepare you for winter and an urge to take flight across the boarders. In my hometown Odda I grew up between towering mountains, biting winds in an industrial city. People there were hard workers and they still are. I remember how it felt living there, how you seek shelter within yourself and prepare for the weather by covering up and getting on with things. You are more humble because you realize how insignificant you are in this world. I kind of sit with the same feeling now. Prepping myself for what's to come, within I find that quiet place again that no one can touch or reach and somehow I know I will be ok. I was speaking to my friend Jo about it the other day. Despite everything the last few years and especially recently when the worst has passed I get the feeling that things will be ok for me. 

I might go to London in December or just somewhere in Europe in January, though I am not sure. I all depends what happens with work. A lot is up in the air so I dare not to hope or plan too much, but I can feel the craving for adventure from deep within turning my nose to other destinations. I know for sure that I want to go travel for my birthday i January, far far away .

Dreaming of new places is always exciting. Crossing my fingers there will be good tickets for sale soon !

xxViking

The Rain

It is raining outside again. Somehow it slows the world down a bit, just enough for me to kind of keep up with it all. At least enough to follow it and to think for a moment on myself. It is ironic how the rain used to make me feel restless and how I did not appreciate the silence it left behind. I was high wired to the busy life and to please everyone. Looking back now I feel foolish because this moment in time as the sky is granting me silence and time to feel the exhaustion of all events and wear-outs and it is ok to just think of me for once. To think of my next step forward again and to build my own ¨castle¨, my own future.

To be honest I always saw myself with someone to share life with before. To share the good and bad, the heavy and the light. Pure moments in the sunshine along one of Europe's streets laughing together with a special someone, a partner in crime that would cherish that moment with me. On rainy days like this when I look out the window and have time to reflect I know a part of my mind will always want that still, yet I think it was not meant for me. There are other ways of sharing moments, there are other ways to feel complete and my new quest will be looking for those and live those. I am done with the hopeless fantasy. I will try to find happiness elsewhere, to find self-worth again but not in that kind you find when someone else makes you feel special because if that is all I have then it will only lead to painful endings. We all do it more or less as it is natural to want to share life with another person as it should be. It is just very bad for you if that person becomes your universe and pretty much makes or breaks your day. Once it crashes, everything will come crashing down. Of course I have been through this before, but I guess the 3rd time was a charm because I am not going to have another one! One is never too old to learn from ones own mistakes. Though I do not regret much, I do regret getting lost into someone else, I regret not holding myself back more because it would have soften the fall.

In any case, blame is what it is...an ugly word and in Norway we say. What is done is done. My new quest for the good things in life starts now. And I will do it on my own from here on. Sitting in the window with my laptop looking at the wind blowing through the green crowns of the trees outside and noticing the droplets of water drawing patterns on the window is a start. Feeling how it calms me down and lets the pressure in the stomach and head out a little bit. This European adventure is just starting.....though with some hesitant steps I will manage.

xViking

Utrecht

Hello Readers,

So yesterday I went to Utrecht. It was nice, Jessie and I had a slumber party.It is always weird to be back in a place were I spent 3 years of my life. The city is also changing so rapidly due to the rebuilding of the station and area around. It looks nicer every time and far grander compared to when I lived there.

The day was sunny yet grey. The clouds were threatening to bring cold rain with them but in the end it was mostly sunny. As I let my feet dance down the stairs in a rapid rhythm memories popped back into my head from a distant past. It dawned on me that this is how Leiden will feel like whenever I go there. Like a distant memory pressed into the back of my brain where it is stored and feels like it was not my life. Maybe that is for the better anyway? Not sure, but it is how my mind works itś magic I think.

Yesterday I arrived at the station in Utrecht and got picked up by my friend and we went to do some shopping, before heading to Oog en Al where she lives. We watched a movie that froze half-way through and so each of us had a bottle of wine. I have no clue how that happened but it did and we could laugh at our sorrows and the world. This morning we had to laugh again as we were quite a funny bunch yesterday with our deep conversations and our stories to tell about things that had gone good in life and things that had gone down the shithole. As we sat there chatting away the sky opened up and the chilly rain dressed the concrete below. Somehow it felt like a lullaby and I soon after fell into a deep sleep. No dreams, no nightmares, no emotion. There was just the sounds of rain covering the ground gently with it's water-coat.

It is nice to spend time with people again. People who speak their mind and never cover up their true emotion. As I get older, I realize I wish I was more like that and that more people would be like this. I am convinced that would be a better way to live. However, I guess we live in a world dominated with egocentric views and actions and if you want to get anywhere or prevent getting hurt then put a lid on things and get on with it. Harsh as it might seem it is very often what I see and I admit I am also no angel when it comes to this. I just wish it was different, especially now that is all and it is refreshing to be around people who are so kind and and put others before themselves. I guess Utrecht is a place I will always come back to in order to meet friends and the city has certainly not gotten ugly since I was gone. Yet it will always have more nostalgic atmosphere about it after what happened and though strange it was good to be back for a bit.

x Viking

Moving on

Dear Readers,

It has been a while and it has been a very difficult time. Though I am still trying to figure out how to get out of this shitty place I am in at the moment things are if nothing else getting more busy. Some days I still feel lost, but at least there are friends close by to offer an ear or a hug when days slow down and my brain goes into overdrive.

Coming to terms with the fact that someone simply does not love you when you loved them a whole lot is hard. Especially when most of your life this has been what people have been telling you. Trusting someone is difficult anyway. I usually am keeping people at a safe distance emotionally because I learned that disappointment often goes hand in hand with trusting someone anyhow. I guess for once I wanted to do things differently and went inn with an open heart. It was my own fault, my own stupid mistake. Yet you live and you learn and this will not make me hate anyone in my life, just more cautious with people I meet in the future. More aware that everything you put effort and emotion into could disappear in a split second.

Sometimes I want to give up and really bad. I hate myself more than anything for that, for silly emotions that take over and puts my brain into this overdrive whilst my body moves and reacts so slow. The mind and emotions are weird connections that sometimes just refuse to cooperate when things go wrong.

I know everything will be alright and that emotional dismay will pass. I know the trees and sky will look green and blue again but I need time. This lady needs time to find back to the strong woman she used to be and I need to stand my ground despite what others think of me. For me that is a huge challenge and unfortunately I am more prone to run away from my problems when it gets really difficult rather then face them. In moments when I really need support I will turn away and hide as I do not want people to see the weaknesses, the sad and the broken Annie. Yet I share, I share too much for my own liking, it is usually fear driven though. When I say I am afraid of what will happen to me it is a genuine fear that I have seen come true many times before my eyes.

For now I find keeping busy and meeting with good friends and new people is probably the best way to find my way back to where I need to be. They are welcome distractions for my brain.  Back to basics it is, back to basics. Hopefully it will not take too long to see life in colors again and to feel good.

xViking