Traces

Hi Everybody,

Long time no typing. I do not really know where to start, but not to worry ya´ll because I am still in love and still feeling safe with the boyfriend :)  Health-wise I am still on a waiting list and still caught up in a slow moving system. It feels a lot like I do not even care much anymore, I just want answers to what is going on with my immune-system and get some tests done that have been a long time coming. If they cannot get them next time I do not know how strong I can stay anymore. It is troubling not to know why certain things are occuring out of the blue and to have a fair bit of health issues affecting my day-to-day life. Very much looking forward to moving to a big city again. Longing for Stavanger and staring a new study as well as better doctors and healthcare systems. Next year it all begins, a new adventure and hopefully even more joy and good news than what I have had in 2017.

I know certain things will be though, they always are (what was that word again..called easy I think...nah still have not had the pleasure to meet it yet...;). Yet I am in a place where I feel mentally strong when it comes to challenging myself and developing my own intellect. I want to get better, to be a better person than what I have been in the past. I want to be smarter and more open. To not let the past shut me down ever so often as in the past. I will admit it is not easy to change my ways. I often find myself caught between 2 sides when trying to mend things or highly criticised when trying to be open and honest. I mean it when I say that I deep in my soul do not wish to hurt anyone. I try to understand certain people eventhough they might hurt me or cause me grief. Because if I understand then maybe it hurts less, this has not always been the case. People are odd, especially those you hold close. Some waste your time or at the very least do not respect your time. Others well they twist around their own axes not noticing that the clouds they create makes them see less of the clear blue sky nor the lightning that strikes what used to be their favourite spot. Understanding people can be so hard and trying to be patient and understanding even harder. I try to turn to people like my bfs mother who is such a lovely lady and ever so patient with everyone it seems. I look to people who show kindness instead of envy and I strive to be less emotional in the negative sense and solve my problems less impulsive.  Those are really my most weak points, that when I get hurt I either fight or run, I prefer to run, run , run because anything else cause me great stress or panic. This is of course not true in every situation, but when hurt badly surely and especially hurts caused by the people I love or that stand very close to me. I hope to evolve and to become better but building up patience is hard, people are hard to be with sometimes. I am also hard to be with sometimes. At times I also lose a hold of what is the right way to react, especially when I feel anxious about a situation or pick up on a really bad vibe. Working on becoming better is the only way to be truly happy for me. 

                                                                                           ( My charming feline Oct , 2017)

                                                            

Think about the traces we leave on people´s hearts. I sometimes wonder what mine will be, if I suddenly left this earth who would miss me and more importantly what kind of trace would I have left on someone´s heart. Family or friends or even past friends not in my life anymore. I think about that alot, it matters to me and I am not sure why if that makes sense. Is it really a good thing to ponder on those things? Not too sure, but I know I can be better at so many things. I cannot say it enough. Even if I am a hard nut sometimes, the nut has a heart. It has been cracked open many times, glued back together and smashed again and again. I thought it would be impossible to glue it back together one more time but I have been so very lucky. If only this was the last time it had to be glued together. One can only hope, but I chose to think this time it will last. :)

                                                                  (Winter arrived on the scrubs in Buer Valley, Oct 2017)

xo

Viking