Focus

Hi all,

It has been another long wait for another post here on blogger. I kind of lost my motivation to do a lot of things this year. Trying to balance all the stuff that I had to deal with both emotionally and in terms of work and writing. I shall not lie and say I am having an easy time, though sometimes I wish I could. Because most people just want to hear that you are doing well and that you are great. 

The cure? Well I have none other than trying to keep my mind busy with seeing new places in NL and meeting people that make me forget. But truth is, I lost so much this year that I am not sure how to feel completely okay again. I guess there is no other way than to take one day at the time (cliché yes, I know!). This year I have felt the pressure to be flawless and perfect more than once and to shut down my emotions, but for what ever reason the more I try to hide who I really am with flaws and all it just makes me painstakingly aware how imperfect I really am. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel like I am good enough. I have been on this planet for almost 29 years now and I can not remember a single day of feeling good enough for myself. Sure there have been people in my life that have made me feel good and happy, but deep down I am my own worst critic and oh how I wish this part of me could be deleted forever.

Anyway, I am getting too personal again when I should just tell you what I have been up to the last few weeks except feeling sorry for myself. So the last 2 weeks I had flu off and on, but between the fever rushes and feeling slightly better I went to this awesome street-art exhibition at Prinsengracht. I went with some Scandinavian friends and I am so glad I did, it was very inspiring to go there and the colours were amazing! 

This was just one of the many wonderful pieces we got to see.

Furthermore I have been to Amsterdam a fair bit catching up with old friends as I will do today as well. There is a light festival going on there right now which I will also go see next week I think with friends. Living in Haarlem makes for a really easy travel to Amsterdam so very happy with my location at the moment as it keeps me from just staying inside all day.

Other than Amsterdam I have been going a fair bit to Utrecht as well as Amersfoort to an artsy friend of mine since we did not see each other for quite some time this year. So in a sense I should not complain at all about life, I am blessed with good friends and lots of them seem to care about me. I am glad I have them in my life right now, because I have the feeling I will need them the coming time more than ever. 

Right now the goal is to regain focus of my life and not get distracted by inconvenient emotional attachments. I also want to focus more on my family, the part of it which is mending after all these years and it is finally becoming an important part of my life. Ideally I would like to stay in NL, it became my home for what ever reason and 2016 will let me see whether or not this will be possible. 

Too much has happened and maybe it is fair enough to throw in the towel and go back to Norway if it is going to be this difficult to find a job....but for whatever reason I want to stay. It simply feels right here. It must be the brilliant friends I have. I feel truly lucky to have met so many friendly and inspirational people on my journey. 

The thing about the Netherlands is; no matter if people are too direct sometimes because at least you can be yourself. If you ¨hit a curve¨ people will ask you about it and they will expect an honest answer. If you are down your real friends might tell you how they would rather see you deal with it BUT they will also let you know how important you are to them. I have lost many friends through the years, most of it was probably my own fault or a mere lack of keeping in touch when we needed each other the most.

People of the Netherlands are known to be quite open minded and after so many years abroad it feels like the only place I can be myself. In Norway, I will always be the Viking that had strong opinions, the complicated lass and the one that had a troubled childhood. Dreams and ambitions are not bad words in this country, as I have mentioned before you are praised to be ambitious and to strive to be better. No jantelaw here you guys ;)

Focus is difficult right now, but I will have to try so wish me luck.

xo

Viking