Thank you for all the sweet feedback on my last posts. Though it was not really helpful posts in my opinion, but more personal ones it warms my heart to see so much positive feedback.
I am still searching for a job and still have had no luck in finding one yet. I swear every-time someone ask me about it, the stress levels rise from 10- 150. Because I have no other option than to find something, if I don´t well... then that sucks for me I guess. Not just a little but a lot lot! Since I was 16 I have managed on my own and I never thought I would end up in this pathetic and desperate search for a job.
My friends are fabulous in all this, without them I would have not known what to do with myself. In times when family is too busy to understand where I am at, there is nothing more comforting than good friends to lend an ear and possible solutions.
My birthday was kind of goodbye to a life I thought I had sorted a year ago. For the life I wanted but for numerous reasons just slipped through my fingers. It was a kind of goodbye to the Netherlands, if not forever then maybe for sometime. I need to find a way to work out what I will do next here. There are just very few options right now than to stay in this very stressful moment hope for my applications be seen and acted upon.
Sometimes I wonder how people manage without their family until I realize how alone I really am in this sense. All I ever wanted was for mine to be ok, yet I have come to realize we probably never really will be. Despite how large mine has become it just seems like when we need each other the most, we fail to be there for one another. Communication does seem to pose a large problem and the willingness to understand one another. Maybe I am no better, though I always hoped I was....I tried to be there for people when they needed me. But maybe that is the thing, maybe I was never needed in the first place. My thoughts from young often circled around this subject. As I grew older and moved away I felt needed and wanted somewhere else. That feeling to make a difference in someone´s life was amazing. Priceless in fact, I had never felt so good before and it helped me a great deal. One of the places I felt understood and needed was around animals and people who cared for them as well as helping people with different sorts of addictions and problems. To be needed is a good feeling, but it is also quite a relief to feel understood and loved. To feel you were brought into this world for a purpose and that one is not just a waste of space.
Right now with all this job drama I feel small and useless again and to make matters worse I am not needed. Not needed at all and it feels horrible and lonely somehow and I was hoping it was just my silly traumatized soul.....but I was wrong again I think. It is me on my own again, as if there was ever any choice there , I just hoped there was a choice I suppose.
With that being said I am so glad I have good friends around who wish me to stay and help me when they can. I cannot believe how lucky I have been with them. It truly brings tears to my eyes to know that people who do not even need to be there for me are there for me anyway, just like that without as much as a hesitation. As low as I have been these last 6 months I have not felt in many many years. It is asking a lot from a friend to be there when shit starts happening, but I also know that the ones who do are the real friends in the end of the day. The only sad fact is that with all that I have been through in my 29 years....I just do not expect it any more, nor do I wish to ask for it.
Feeling shattered and ¨slightly¨ depressed (making it look less serious then it is) that I made all this effort the last months for nothing is not exactly what I had in mind last year. From starting the year so happy to ending it so unhappy is really something I could have not predicted at all. I was so happy a year ago...so very happy. One day I hope from the bottom of my worn out heart, that I will find my way back again. Because being unable to occupy myself with work just is not the best idea for me right now.
Until the update is required peeps, I will have to love you and leave u.
xx Viking
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