Hi there,
I am having a bit of a week filled with emotional stuff. Especially since I miss my friends back in the Netherlands and this small-town is not even close to growing on me. Seeing family and friends is nice (at least the ones I do see). Yet there are moments I feel entirely alone and I find it difficult to talk to people here about it. My friends are not here, at least not the ones I am really close to. For a part I feel the family love, my nieces and nephews and my dad and his family for sure. Going back to Odda still does not feel like progress but more a step back to a life I do not wish. I knew it would be hard, but some people from my past ( a brute past that is) just keep pushing shit on my path.
More than 13 years ago I left this city with the intention of never coming back. I came to terms with the abuse I experienced here for about 16 years and on very special occasions I came back to visit. Now I feel stuck and the best friends back in the Netherlands feel so far away and busy. I find comfort and strength in visiting my dad and his family, strangely it is the only person that feels like my anchor right now. But it is really hard being back this time, much harder than I expected. Last I lived here for about 8-9 months knowing I would leave very soon. Not knowing when makes me very anxious and I feel very isolated as well. Sure I will learn from the experience, but more than anything I just feel like that scared 16 year old all over again. As if I am pulled back into the maize of uncertainty and memories I wish to forget. It helps to keep busy, but I wish I had more to do so all I had to do was work and sleep. I guess work has always been my drug in a way, my escape from emotional turmoil.
Me and my oldest siblings went through a lot in this place, much more than kids should go through. We had the choice to grow up quick has hell or seek other ways to escape. My sister was the strongest of us in many ways, sometimes I wonder where she took it from being younger than me.
Times have changed of course, no doubt there yet I wish I felt more at ease here. It is tiring to feel these bad energies and deal with flashbacks once more. Trauma sometimes ticks you like this, just when you think you were over certain memories something pulls you right back inn. I hate this feeling and the powerlessness I feel due to it. What I would have given to be from a normal family at times....to have not seen what I had to witness as a child and to at the very least forget how it feels like to be a hated child by close ones. I wish I could trust people, but coming back here keeps reminding me why I never really did. Even if I was close a few times to give it to some people, there were always certain notions triggering a cautiousness from the past. There is a saying in Norway that goes something like ¨A burnt child never plays with fire¨. If the fire was replaced with trust, this saying could not be more true for me. I don´t play around with the word or the feeling. I observe and I make the most of the moments I am given. It is what it is and in fear of sounding completely negative I would say I have seen enough to know that pain is a crucial part of life. To appreciate the good we need to feel bad sometimes. Compared to a lot of people I have seen nothing, but compared to a lot of people I also saw a lot of pain and felt my fair share of it as well. Sometimes I dealt with it in a predictable manner, sometimes unpredictable, sometimes acceptable and sometimes not so much.
None of us are perfect.All I know is that right now, in this moment, in this town....I am not having a great time. Not at all and I just wanna get out of here.
I hope to get back to you with better news soon, maybe my inner gipsy is getting the better of me and maybe I just need to keep moving....
xo
Viking
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