Hi there,
Is it just me or is the world getting wackier by the day?
It sure feels like that, because there are so many things going on yet again. At times there are too many thoughts in my head, too many considerations and I shut down. Yet despite these moments everyday I am learning new things about myself. I see that as a positive side to all the craziness and the fact that I am learning to grow new bonds with people in my family. Sometimes when bad stuff happens around you it can have the great side-effect of drawing people together. It certainly feels like that is how it is like with my dad and his family. Sure we have our differences, but we are learning to understand and to communicate those differences as a whole family unit. I am glad I have them now and it feels like they are glad to have me here.
Whilst my head is busy it feels like they are my pillars of stability. Also happy that I have friends that despite the distance from the Netherlands to Norway keep in touch and stay supportive and helpful in their feedback.
As I told my dear friend Jessie today, I am finding back to the core of myself now. Being single and back at square one does that to you. And let us face it, square one twice does not really happen BUT it is a feeling none-the-less ;) Whilst the work-situation has to change I would like to highlight that work is not all you are. Too many people forget how much of a trace they leave on the people surrounding them. The ring effects of oneself are often overlooked by the most humble. I would not call myself overly humble after living 5 years in NL yet I am not so good complimenting myself or my own achievements from within. I spoke a whole lot to my dad and his family about it. Shared some thoughts now and in the past, compared how I used handle things and how I handle them now. I realise that I changed a lot in social settings but that deep down certain things are still wild and unruly, terrifying and traumatised yet sharp and clear cut. I could have given up last year when my whole life felt like it was falling apart. I was writing a letter even to say sorry I give up this shit see u in space peeps! Yet somewhere inside me I found that wild child that would have none of that. I was so ready to give up and there she was, that spirit of mine that kicked inn every-time things got bad. I had to get angry to find the strength to carry on. I had to accept how depressing and shitty I felt and to get over it and find a solution. I still remember how embarrassed I was to ask for help. Really kudos on Jessie, Noelia, Robert, Jo, Yvette, my Dad and his lovely lady Jorun as well as Paul for being so strong and helpful when I was nothing but an angry, lost and wild shut down prune of a person. I needed to be a prune for a while, just get all the shit out of my system ;)
I firmly believe we are too obsessed about showing a fake positivity as a society so we are preceived in a nice light on social media. After facebook and instragram people became more aware how one picture or sentence online can change how people look at you forever. This means of course that a moment in time with harsh times hanging over your head could mean a potential personal disaster ! I get that people are scared of this and I get that negativity can be overwhelming and unnecessary as a constant as well. Duh! I am not stupid! Of course we need happiness as well to shine. But why is it we are so scared to feel vulnerable and to show the purity of our emotions? Why is it so important to be so damb positive all the time even when it is untrue and actually a fake projection of how we wish to be? I mean would we really want to be anything else than human? A human is not perfect or happy all the time right?
It dawned on me when I went through what felt like hell and back that people did not accept the depressed version of me at all. At least not most people. To find a comfort when all else seems dark and unlivable is hard and I was darn lucky to have Noelia and Jo at that point in my life. What happened to people just giving each other a hug or glass of wine and room to heal ? Has facebook and other social media made us less capable of physical and actual communication? What happened to dragging your depressed friend out on a movie night with friends or just offering a shoulder so one could mourn a loss of a loved one or to contemplate what to do next? We should be better and I am also referring to myself in this. I wish I was as good with my words in person as I can be in writing. It is not so I am afraid and right now, I am learning this the hard way.
We are all humans, however due to these advances in technology and our absorption of it we really need to be reminded of it sometimes. We are such a social species dependent on actual contact with actual humans so fear of making mistakes or seeming imperfect should not stop us. Those are the very things that make us better, make us learn about ourselves.
You could argue it is just me and not the world that is getting wackier of course;)
xo
Viking
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