Coping

Hi there,

It has been a while again. Life is quiet in many ways and in other ways not so much. I am trying to keep my focus though I find it hard. A lot of nice and sweet souls in this town and somehow I did not expect that here anymore. I remember how nervous I was to move back. Yet here I am actually connecting with people and making friends. 

I try to keep as busy as I possibly can and divert from thinking about my past. Keeping busy though makes it harder to focus on the future as well. 

Now I am getting bartender training and I actually do enjoy it. It is a fun job next to the kindergarten work I am currently doing. Two different worlds I would say, yet both give me a lot of fun memories. Plan is now to stay in Odda for a while and keep saving for Stavanger as planned. Who knows how long it will take, but I want to go live there. Meanwhile I enjoy spending time with my new friends and planning trips to the Netherlands and other places when I can.

Sometimes it is good not to plan everything. So I try to keep enjoying my time here, of course knowing I will not stay forever.

I am almost 30 and certainly did not picture myself where I am today. At times I feel like I failed in many things, however I cannot change who I am nor what I went through in life to become who I am. Somethings I can adjust and adapt, whilst others root so deep I can only accept that I am the kind of person I am. Good or bad I never try to hurt people and I guess that is what is important for me. I try to fix things yes, but never hurt anyone intentionally. 

It has happened more than once that I forgot that not everyone  will be like that. I mean, if I hurt someone I will say I am sorry and really mean it. Too many people have not done that in my lifetime. That hurts of course, especially when people close to me act like that. I can get really disappointed by that in fact. I try to ignore things that hurt, but it  may take every effort I have not to say fuck you back when I do. Because what silly idiot like to insult someone they care for or they know care about them? It beats me, to think I deserve such a treatment. But then I guess I am not lonely in feeling this way. Such a weakness must be just as tiresome as some of my weaknesses are to me. 

People who saw me grow up know some of the things I went through. It can feel bad when they belittle me for who I was back then and when they know nothing about who I have become. Those are just thoughts though....because people forget, I changed a lot and especially family.

Besides these little snags in the road, I am doing well. Coping well with the changes and of course, dreading winter...brrr. I never cared much for the cold and WINTER IS COMING! Slightly tempted to move to Spain or somewhere more warm at least! Maybe South America will do;) But first I need to learn some Spanish hehe.

All in all I am ok, content but eager to move on. I have good friends and lovely family members backing me up and my father and his partner have been the most awesome support. I never expected that when I moved back, but I feel closer to them but I did. I am lucky to have them and I am especially glad that my dad and I have such a good bond now. It feels good to feel like I am not a failure in every family setting there is ;)

xo Viking