Hola,
So as many of you may know I did not always enjoy my childhood. Sure there were good moments and journeys that were made. But in many ways I was not allowed to feel like a child and I was in some ways more expected to act like an adult from a really young age. Now, maybe I was also in part a very independent personality from the getgo but I would like to emphasise I was a child and I did need to feel like one just like everyone else. There are many grown ups like me out there that were robbed of their childhood due to different sorts of trauma or neglect. I remember that as I moved away from my hometown the first time struggling with the memories and anxiety from trauma. I had NO self-esteem yet tried to fake that I did. After all I was an adult and expected to have my shit together.
The fear you do feel when pushed to the edge of what is bearable is beyond my words. But I can tell you that day inn and day out felt like I was being chased, criticised and that if I lost my way I would end up back in hell. Little did I know that these emotional states would come back to haunt me every-time I would fail at something or have a setback. I wished so hard for a pill or a magic button to appear that would wipe my memories clean or re-set my feelings to neutral. It was that bad that my life did feel like torture as a teenager. I turned my frustration inwards and needless to say I suffered a lot because of that. Now, there are many people that go through this and all I can share are some of my stories and how I got through some of my tough times on this blog.
So one of the things that helped me use my feelings constructively was a therapist. A good one and to focus at one thing at the time. To exhaust my excess energy that often comes with restlessness and frustration.
Every-time I was chased by nightmares and poor self-esteem I would work out more intensively and it removed stress in the most liberating way. There is almost no use for people to join me when I do sports because I am so intensely working on what is within that I zone out and run until I almost collapse. I focus and I calm down thereafter but for me this works. To regulate this immediate fix has been an issue previously because with my very independent and high achieving personality it can become an addiction or a way of self-medicating. I think I have come to the point when I know what works and what does not work for me. But it does not hurt to be careful even so.
The traumas I experienced growing up will always be with me in a way. But I found that when I accepted what they made me or who they made me into and how I ended up dealing with situations and people they made some sense. Nightmares are way less and I work through frustrations in a healthy way mostly these days.
Bullet points for people who struggle with similar things that I did.
- speak to a professional and get emotional tools from them
- move your body, get out the negative energy
- meet people and learn from those who inspire you
- shut out people who give you negative shit, it is hard but worth it and it is perfectly OK!
These days I am doing ok though I like anyone have my D-days. When they pop by these days must be a reminder of how far I have come the last 10 years. Only I know what I have really had to go through and only I have the ability to fight my own issues. That is why I choose who I share certain things with, with the most care. I would advice anyone who go through similar things to do the same.
Xo Viking
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