Uncertainty

Hola ,

I hope all is well with you. Right now the snow is covering the mountain tops in Odda and I am contemplating to work out a bit. Not sure if I will go jogging outside seeing the sun is shining for once. I reckon that this girl will end up on one of the training machines in the training room hehe. Maybe a stroll later on today.

Since I wrote last I went to the hospital to get a doc check why I have immense pains in my back and sides of my lower abdomen. They now suspect the same as I did the last few months, kidney stones. I will go to get a scan of my body in 20 days to see if they can find anything and destroy it. The good news is that if it is this then there are several ways to remove kidney stones and thus remove the symptoms, the bad news is that you are in agony worse than giving birth until they do so. Currently it is so bad I feel dizzy and vomit when the pain is at its worst. I find that taking pain killers, drinking a lot of water, reducing salt and sugar intake and working out helps. Yet some days nothing does. In part the body and its coping mechanism fascinates me. When it is your own body however it is somewhat limited how focused you can stay when it hits you like a brick. It has been like this for a long time now, it started in 2014 and has increasingly gotten worse and the symptoms are typical for kidney stones.

One feels very lucky to have a partner to lean on when  the symptoms are at their worst and it is hard to be working as a normal human being. It creates uncertainty in my life and more so than what one would think, but he is there and tells me no matter what he will not bounce out of my life. This is new to me and I have a hard time trusting it all. The only thing that has dominated my life until I met this guy was uncertainty. Is this a new era ? A new direction and if so will it last? I hope so.

Meeting someone who is rock solid in their morals and belief of a partnership is just what I need I think. When I am like sand running through someones fingers, well he is that bucket that catch me and makes me solid as well. It is a fine thing having someone believe in you when you feel like there must have been something wrong with you seeing almost everyone else  has left you when times were tough. It brings back a positive view on life and a hope that I am good enough for someone. Many people do not realise how hard it is to have faith in your own ability when your body is not working the way you want. It affects everything, including the way you respond to trivial conflicts. I hope the next year will start with clean kidneys and no pain and thus a brand new focus and love for life!

Certainly, having the warm loving family of my bf around has been such a blessing. Out of all the people in my own family I can say that it has ultimately been my dad that has been the most supportive the last years. When my life got ripped apart in 2015 he took those broken calls and even-though I figure it was a new thing to hear his kid pour her heart out to him he listened and helped where he could. It is almost embarrassing how low I was when speaking to him. I expected him to bail at any point as he had done in the past. But my dad has learned a lot from the ups and downs in our family and so he stuck in it for me. I am grateful for that, because honestly I was ready to throw in the towel at that point. I had been broken so many times I could not put myself back together. In those times it is important to have family I think and good friends that say, GIIIIRL we are here no matter how bitchy you are or broken, we are here for you right now and expect nothing more from you than that you get up in the morning and exist until you again feel the beauty of life hit you with the warmth of a summer breeze. When you finally get through these though times we will feel so happy for you. That is the kind of people I choose to surround myself with and I expect myself to be just an equal support for those when they have a hard time. Of course timing affects such relationships, sometimes we go through things, hard things at the very same time. Those moments are good points in time to be a bit more distant. I am glad not everyone have to go through hardship at the same time as me though, I have no clue how I would get through this without my dad, my bf and his family.

I hope that you are having a good day and if not remember it is okay to be feeling like shit sometimes. You are not a freak at all and it is natural  to feel down when you are going through harsh times. Just remember to breathe and get outside and meet those warm people once in a while. Let them inspire you to find that happy place once more. :) 

xo Viking