Hia peeps!
An eventful week to say the least. Busy at work and earning some money so I can catch some wings to get out of this place in a near future. It has also been weeks where I have been allowed to discover sides to myself that I used to ignore or feel uncomfortable to confront. One of those sides being the inner critic. A lot of people do not know how much stress I feel at times because I do not let it show. I smile it off or talk about it in a calm manner. Fact is this that despite my open mind I am very harsh on my own life, not only looks but all the other aspects too. Perfectionistic is maybe not the right word for it, because most times I really do not give a shit about what others think of me. Yet there is a certain insecurity that lurks deep down and it only pokes its ugly head out now and then, a D-day. Only I feel it and I call it my "Turkey-days". Other females might identify more, because it starts in the morning when I look into the mirror. I do not like what I see already then and making an effort sometimes make me feel even worse. So the day starts like that, then one of my favourite jeans suddenly looks tiny on me and things are buldging out here and there. It is not even a vain thing but more a metaphor for something else my mind would like to disguise I suppose. So I make a joke to myself in the mirror to put the smile back on my face. It almost works and then as the front door closes behind me and I head out a burning starts in my belly and I do not know why but I know this might be one of those days...
As I approach people on this kind of day or groups at least I find it hard to draw my breath and get words out. Luckily I have learned from a young age that a smile even if fake can take the edge off anyhow so I do that. I remember somewhere in my stressed out head we are all people and then I suddenly recall how to greet people again. Why this is an effort on these kind of days I do not know for certain but I know it is. Well anyhow, I used to go back to bed when I had these days or isolate myself slightly when I was in my teens almost up until I was 20. Slowly I got more kickass about the whole ordeal (it might be called growing up?). I told myself to fake it till I made it. Now I am to that point where only I notice if I have these moments or days. I go out anyhow and I make the ekstra effort to counteract my inner demons. If I feel like shutting the world out I might do just the opposite to avoid the destructive circle.
It has come to the point where I think it should not matter good or bad feelings, I have to meet and greet the day anyhow. Doing that on a shitty day gives mental rewards I found. Somehow you do become more resilient to your own silliness really. It is interesting to move without my "support-wheels" now and without much distractions. I found ways to turn hard situations to a bit better and endurable moment.
The turkey days are far apart luckily and I know where they stem from. Some broken reflections though can be a challenge to fix and it takes time. I deserve some time now. Alone I have the joyful task, to push myself into a whole new atmosphere of opportunities. I just need to face my music, to think about how to move forward. To maybe find myself in a sea of people is a scary thought on such a day, yet lately I have done just that. Feeling like a train wreck inside-out yet I did it and jumped head first into the sea of people! Life allows me to challenge myself now because I have time to focus on my own shit (finally!).
It is a nice way to live, it even makes life in Odda interesting. Especially because it feels more intense in this place certain situations. So many memories that influence the pulse. I notice I am not the only one that have a journey to make with regards to emotions and behavioural adaptions. I am learning everyday that I am stronger than I used to think I was. Without those hard days I would not test my own limits to this extent. The best part is that in this current time I bug no one else with this constant rebellion against my own patterns. Within I am changing and I think it makes me a better version of myself. Explorations of new countries may halt for a while now. I have enough in this moment to keep myself busy.
Meanwhile on my journey I keep smiling ;* Viking
No comments:
Post a Comment