Moving on

Dear Readers,

It has been a while and it has been a very difficult time. Though I am still trying to figure out how to get out of this shitty place I am in at the moment things are if nothing else getting more busy. Some days I still feel lost, but at least there are friends close by to offer an ear or a hug when days slow down and my brain goes into overdrive.

Coming to terms with the fact that someone simply does not love you when you loved them a whole lot is hard. Especially when most of your life this has been what people have been telling you. Trusting someone is difficult anyway. I usually am keeping people at a safe distance emotionally because I learned that disappointment often goes hand in hand with trusting someone anyhow. I guess for once I wanted to do things differently and went inn with an open heart. It was my own fault, my own stupid mistake. Yet you live and you learn and this will not make me hate anyone in my life, just more cautious with people I meet in the future. More aware that everything you put effort and emotion into could disappear in a split second.

Sometimes I want to give up and really bad. I hate myself more than anything for that, for silly emotions that take over and puts my brain into this overdrive whilst my body moves and reacts so slow. The mind and emotions are weird connections that sometimes just refuse to cooperate when things go wrong.

I know everything will be alright and that emotional dismay will pass. I know the trees and sky will look green and blue again but I need time. This lady needs time to find back to the strong woman she used to be and I need to stand my ground despite what others think of me. For me that is a huge challenge and unfortunately I am more prone to run away from my problems when it gets really difficult rather then face them. In moments when I really need support I will turn away and hide as I do not want people to see the weaknesses, the sad and the broken Annie. Yet I share, I share too much for my own liking, it is usually fear driven though. When I say I am afraid of what will happen to me it is a genuine fear that I have seen come true many times before my eyes.

For now I find keeping busy and meeting with good friends and new people is probably the best way to find my way back to where I need to be. They are welcome distractions for my brain.  Back to basics it is, back to basics. Hopefully it will not take too long to see life in colors again and to feel good.

xViking