The Rain

It is raining outside again. Somehow it slows the world down a bit, just enough for me to kind of keep up with it all. At least enough to follow it and to think for a moment on myself. It is ironic how the rain used to make me feel restless and how I did not appreciate the silence it left behind. I was high wired to the busy life and to please everyone. Looking back now I feel foolish because this moment in time as the sky is granting me silence and time to feel the exhaustion of all events and wear-outs and it is ok to just think of me for once. To think of my next step forward again and to build my own ¨castle¨, my own future.

To be honest I always saw myself with someone to share life with before. To share the good and bad, the heavy and the light. Pure moments in the sunshine along one of Europe's streets laughing together with a special someone, a partner in crime that would cherish that moment with me. On rainy days like this when I look out the window and have time to reflect I know a part of my mind will always want that still, yet I think it was not meant for me. There are other ways of sharing moments, there are other ways to feel complete and my new quest will be looking for those and live those. I am done with the hopeless fantasy. I will try to find happiness elsewhere, to find self-worth again but not in that kind you find when someone else makes you feel special because if that is all I have then it will only lead to painful endings. We all do it more or less as it is natural to want to share life with another person as it should be. It is just very bad for you if that person becomes your universe and pretty much makes or breaks your day. Once it crashes, everything will come crashing down. Of course I have been through this before, but I guess the 3rd time was a charm because I am not going to have another one! One is never too old to learn from ones own mistakes. Though I do not regret much, I do regret getting lost into someone else, I regret not holding myself back more because it would have soften the fall.

In any case, blame is what it is...an ugly word and in Norway we say. What is done is done. My new quest for the good things in life starts now. And I will do it on my own from here on. Sitting in the window with my laptop looking at the wind blowing through the green crowns of the trees outside and noticing the droplets of water drawing patterns on the window is a start. Feeling how it calms me down and lets the pressure in the stomach and head out a little bit. This European adventure is just starting.....though with some hesitant steps I will manage.

xViking