Hello dear readers,
After speaking to an old friend from my hometown I realized something that I sometimes tend to forget. That after all these years I did get somewhere, I became someone as I evolved. I am not talking about professional advances here, but more who I have become as a person and the journey I have made through all these years.
There were times in my life when things were rough you see. Abuse was something I had to endure and so much so I had no clue how to live without it at some point. When it was gone from my life it left a void that was soon replaced with loneliness and self-hate. I tried to fill this void with physical work and helping others, any time of day I had was spent on these activities as well as studies. Because if I had only 1 hour alone I would start feeling something bad and I did not want that. With so many things keeping me busy I lost weight and I lost it fast. Getting compliments for being thin was something I had never experienced before and so slipping was too easy. After 4 years of overworking my body and hating it at the same time for not following my paste I broke down mentally and physically. I had to learn to live again and to find out what I was avoiding from my past that made me punish myself the way I did. It was a hard journey, a journey I am now writing a book about. Nevertheless, this journey thought me that I am not alone, not completely anyway. Millions of women and men focus their energy on an addiction. My problem was that having anorexia was accepted by society, it had a connotation of success attached to it and all I wanted was to not feel like shit so it was an easy road to walk down in hind-view. As the addiction twisted and turned me into a zombie I saw the faces of my family change from pride and joy to despair and I realised I was causing more pain than pride. Having the privilege to feel nothing when I was in that mode it took time before I realised that my life had value to someone and that my personality was not all that bad when I put it to good use. People came to me with their problems, I helped them and I enjoyed it. To see their faces change and to feel that my energy and life was useful in some way. When I got sick, real sick I could not help anyone...because in order to do so I needed to help myself. The challenge was to not feel bad about asking for help, to feel like I deserved this help...that was hard. Seeing my lovely granddad and grandma upset over my lack of kilos and health made me gather my very last strength to fight my disease or addiction (choose your definition..)
So many people struggle with addictions and breaking patterns. It is indeed difficult to let go of bad habits and emotions that seem to stick.Life has its ups and downs if we like it or not and some people have it easier than others. This does not mean they do not have problems, it just means they might have other means, paste or ways to deal with them. It is rather personal to write about these things, but then again a lot of people are going through similar things that i did 10 years ago.
I now know that I have got strength from my recovery and an insight into how we humans are put together to cope with abuse or other types of stress. Once I gained weight and my organs started to function again the gibberish the doctors talked about started to make sense. Also the bad emotions were fading as I worked through them and got the tools to do so.
Yesterday I had a horrible day in terms of feelings. Confusion and chaos were the words that popped into my vocabulary at first. Still it feels weird to pack my boxes and bags, but I also find memories reminding me that after 10 years I am wiser, a better version of who I was back then and recovered from years of abuse.
My dad said it once that I was too independent to reach out to as a child. Maybe I was or maybe I was scared to seem weak to other people, because where I came from your weakness was what got you into trouble. His statement got me thinking about a lot of things though. It can be hard to accept that people look at it like this or in a way that you don´t, but once I did I realized more about how my life and decisions looked to the outside world. It encourages me to be more open about what I went through an why. So far it has mostly just resulted in good responses. People who cannot handle that I went through something so difficult years ago or choose to walk away when I am open about it probably just have their own journey to endure before they can accept the concept of being human, of having gone through the emotions in different ways.
Looking back, I have achieved not only to break my unhealthy patterns and some of my addictions. But by doing so it led me onto an amazing journey. It has also led me to become more open, even though I might not always be great at explaining every detail. It takes time to feel comfortable with a time in my life I am not proud of, but by the looks of it was probably necessary to survive what I had to endure for so long.
I am not saying I do not have any ¨mountains left to climb¨ but I do think ¨mount Everest¨ has been put behind me never to be climbed by me again. Next chapter can begin and I hope that it will lead me onto an awesome road. And to all those out there who has yet to climb Everest, I am here to talk to should you need it :)
xx Viking
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