3 more weeks

Hi folks,

The timer is ticking, the boxes are filling up and I feel chaotic, as if all the dust is kicking up memories that only cause to more confusion. Memories from my studies, from 5-6 years ago and memories of a life that does not feel like mine. Finding pictures and letters, books with signatures and items once connected to a time in my life that feels like a vague dream now. Yet they are my memories to hold and it feels strange to leave these behind and close the door behind me. I told a friend I feel like I am stuck in an emotional Limbo where I cannot decide to really let go of all these years and start fresh or if I have a choice at all to do so. 

Living abroad has changed me and without it who am I? Am I a failure? Am I weak? I was the European gipsy, the nomad without any strings attached, without back-ups and yet not really someone special in that. When I look ahead it is scary but not only, I also see the possibility of new beginnings and blank sheets. The opportunity to get to know myself stripped down to the mere bones. Something I have not really done the last 10 years. 

First I was the perfectionist with control issues, then the perfectionist student,  the aspiring documentary maker, the animal welfare advocate, the ''aspiring to be perfect'' girlfriend and then I was the nomad....

Now, with all that gone....who am I?

One step in front of the other I tell myself, first priority is health now and getting back into shape. Finding a job to get back on my feet and finishing my book. I tell myself all these things and yet there is a fear of becoming isolated and alone and getting stuck in a lifestyle I do not want which is silly I suppose. Because I decide which way to go right? Another 3 weeks will pass by like grains of sand in the wind and I feel like all I am doing is lagging behind, standing still at my beach just hoping thing will sort out. Most people who know me will know me as a busy bee, always keeping a high paste and sorting things out, always trying to avoid disasters and aiming to build something great. Behind all that there is just a soul standing still in her mind, on that beach as the grains seek contact with my cheeks. I know I have given my all in what I had set my mind to and I hope that this failure I have encountered will be a sign that it was not meant to be. Emotional limbo so be it, it is always hard to say goodbye to a lifetime of memories and hopes. It is always difficult to let go of a life and  to hold together in the seams when so many things are happening around me... at times I feel like it is okay for other people to make mistakes or to stumble through emotions, just not me. I really dislike stumbling. making mistakes and to fail. 

Hopefully this is something that will pass once I have landed in the mother country and found my base again. So weird to start over again at this age but hey, I know I am not the only one and that helps. This upcomming week will be spent packing and sorting stuff mostly and the week after is for more goodbyes and walks down memory lane.

Until Next Time Peeps,

xx Viking