Living on the edge?

Hi there,

The rain is pouring outside and I am off work for the weekend, the dogs are relaxing at my feet. Me? I am sending applications out and talking to recruiters to hopefully get things sorted with a fulltime job.  As I am sending out applications I cannot help but ask myself will my life always be on edge? I struggle to remember 1 single time in my life when I did not need to be on guard or to be prepared for though times. Maybe this time last year I thought I had found something like that, but for a borrowed moment only. It is as if life sometimes puts my through some kind of sick test at times. Do not get me wrong, a life on the edge can be thrilling as well at times...not knowing what will happen can feel quite freeing. Yet after so much stuff happening in my life I cannot help but feel really really old, as if I am ready to retire from it all without a worry in sight. As a baby I already started a life on the edge, was declared dead for 30sec and luckily a doctor saved me from such a short life. How many times after that I have been with one foot on the ¨other side¨ I have no clue any more. It seem to follow me this bad habit of ¨sleeping¨ on the edge. I do not say this to scare anyone or because I am depressed or anything like this, it was merely something that popped into my mind this morning. 

Sometimes the two words WRONG TIMING play in repeat in my mind as if my brain is trying to tell me it was bad timing that caused all these events in my life that broke and rebuilt me. Like a vintage vase that is impossible to put back in the exact same way. I change a bit each time and it feels like those events did not happen to me in a way. Though some days I see it like a film playing on my iris and it feels overwhelming and as if I am 100 years old. 

Right now things are going somewhat in the right direction with work. And even if I am happy that at least I am earning some money and keeping my mind busy...a strong sense of impatience drills into my chest. As if this old person inside me wants to slam the drums and make stuff happen and fast! There are so many things I want to do and I want it right now! Ever had that feeling? If I had the finances for it I know exactly how I would have started up my business. I know where  I would invest and what charities I would support. It is all clear in my mind, all these plans of mine...living on the edge does not help my cause though. Not helping my cause at all. Was it ever a choice to have this kind of life? Maybe, it does not really feel that way at times due to stuff that happened...yet , yet there is something in me that would get bored with a A4 life I suppose.

The Viking needs adventure, needs stuff to happen though I would like for it to be more good things happening at the moment. Some patience would have been nice as well, why wasn´t I born with some more of THAT quality??

Looking ahead again is a great feeling, but is it enough?

xx Viking