The Imperfections

Dear Readers,

I am sorry if my last post seemed really negative, it was not meant to be. It was just the truth about how things were going for me right now. No one wish more than me that the situation was different at the moment, that I could tell you I had good news. Many of you, including my friends know me as an easygoing person, someone careless and cheerful and maybe even many of you see me as a strong-minded or tenacious person.  Well, I am only human and not made out of rocks nor of super materials that makes me unable to feel sad or upset when things get to me or go the wrong way in my life. The last months have been tough, tougher than what I sometimes dare to admit. Because although I would love to say I have superpowers and the ability to always stay positive so people will not worry or see me in a certain way the fact it I am like anyone else made out of flesh and blood and I have negative feelings too like the next person. We stumble through life like toddlers really, it is a trial error thing. I guess the difference is that most people do not share some of their experiences and feelings in a blog.

A friend I once knew told me a few months ago he did not like how I felt or saw life in this moment. As is his right, yet when I read this statement it hurt. There is nothing more disappointing then to see that you have been put on a pedestal by people and they think you can handle anything with grace and when you do not the image of you has been stained. 

The truth is I have been strong for a very long time and hopefully the fact that I am now ¨cracking¨ up a bit in the seems and mocking my own defeat will be a laughing matter in the near future. No one and I mean no one likes to be sad or upset and let alone to write about it (admitting it on paper!) and especially not me. Yet one has to face the truth at some point and sometimes the only way for me to be honest about things is to write. In a year I am sure I will look back with a totally different feel about things. Because maybe in a year I have found a job I can build a career in and maybe in a year it will seem silly that I worried about these things. Yes, in a year I would like to sit down over coffee and feel stronger because I went through these though months, but right now I struggle some days because things are not as easy as they seem, even on paper. Of course I could choose to get angry about it, but what good will it do? Besides the energy I have can better be spent on trying to find a job or to write something that might help me put things in perspective.

If I could predict where I will be in a year and what I would be doing, I won´t lie and say that would not be handy. In this way I guess I like to control things a bit, have some sort of notion about what will happen so I can make more calculated decisions. Finally, I am so much more than this blog and though it may seem like I am sharing my whole life, this blog is but a mere tip of what is really playing part in my life. I understand that not everyone will want to or can understand why I share certain things or why I do certain things and that is perfectly fine. Because I am more than this blog and for those of you who know me a bit better you know the less digital me. You know the joker, the girl who laughs when something makes her sad or nervous, the woman who is shy when she meets a group of people or someone who puts her on centre stage. Some of you really see me and all the other things I am for real and others do not have the time, energy or need to look deeper.The  good news is that for what every reason, some people do and some people truly care and understand me and that is all I need.

I learned a loooooong time ago that nobody is perfect and certainly not me. It is why I understand and forgive people who have hurt me by being honest about how they feel. In this way, most people are not that different, we are all imperfect.  

xx Viking